The Odd Couple II (1998)

Richard Riehle: Chief of Police

Quotes 

• Sheriff : Okay, now explain to me one more time how the rental car caught fire and exploded.

  Oscar Madison : He called me a shithead and punched the car, it went rolling down a cliff.

  Sheriff : Why did you punch the car?

  Felix Ungar : Because the shithead threw the directions out the window and left my suitcase at the rental car agency.

  Sheriff : Why did you throw the directions out the window?

  Oscar Madison : Because they caught fire from my cigar ashes and were burning on my crotch!

  Felix Ungar : The first time he's been hot down there for years.

  Oscar Madison : I just wanted you to know what it felt like down there...

  Sheriff : OK, boys, settle down. You two don't get along too well, do you?

  Oscar Madison : Oh, that's not true. There was a period of 17 years that was wonderful. Then unfortunately we saw each other again.

  Sheriff : And who did you say was getting married?

  Felix Ungar : My daughter and his son.

  [the Sheriff and all the deputies have to swallow a laugh] 

• Sheriff : Why did you take his toupee?

  Felix Ungar : We didn't! A truck whizzed by and blew it off, huh?

  Oscar Madison : Yeah. I tried to get it back. A bird sat on it, I shooed him, and he flew away with the hairpiece.

  Sheriff : You shot him? You had a gun?

  Oscar Madison : No, no, not shot him, I shooed him. "Shoo, shoo!" Then a hunter shot him, the bird fell on top of the car, and the hairpiece fell on the windshield. I hope there's not gonna be a trial, because I'd hate to repeat that story in court.

• [the Sheriff has sent Oscar and Felix away for the third and final time] 

  Sheriff : Andy, if those guys commit a triple-murder or rob a bank, just let them go.

• [Felix and Oscar are arrested and having to sit before the sheriff a second time around] 

  Sheriff : So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?

  Oscar Madison : To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.

  Felix Ungar : Look, we didn't murder him and we didn't rob him. Now, you believed us before, so why don't you believe us now?

  Sheriff : Because I didn't expect the two of you to keep bouncing back in here like a beachball.

• Sheriff : I hope you won't be offended by my saying I hope to God I never see either of you two again.

• Sheriff : So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?

  Oscar Madison : To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.

• Sheriff : [to Felix and Oscar about to leave from having been released on their second arrest]  If I see you two back in here under arrest again, then I seriously will charge you with disturbing the law!

  Felix Ungar : Don't you mean "disturbing the peace"?

  Sheriff : No, it's only the law you're disturbing.

• [Felix and Oscar have just been arrested and are having to face the sheriff for a third time, who is horrified about the circumstance] 

  Felix Ungar : So, do you even want to talk about it?

  Sheriff : No.

  Felix Ungar : Ever?

  Sheriff : What's the point? It seems like no matter what I say, you two still end up in here.

  Oscar Madison : [looking over at the sheriff's deputy]  Would it be possible to get the results of a race at Santa Anita? I got a trifecta going.

  Sheriff's Deputy : A what?

  Oscar Madison : A trifecta. It is where you pick the three winning horses in order from start to finish.

  Felix Ungar : You are unbelievable. We have a wedding we cannot get to, and all he's got in his mind is a trifecta.

  Sheriff : I'll tell you who won.

  Oscar Madison : You know?

  Sheriff : Yes! I won. Don't you see? You're my trifecta. The same two men have been arrested three different times and all three times by my men. Do you know what the odds are of that happening?

  Oscar Madison : I would say roughly 12 million to one.

  Sheriff : And what would it be if it were to happen in a little town called Santa Menandez, California?

  Oscar Madison : It would be in the trillions. No bookie could handle it.