Small Soldiers (1998)

Denis Leary: Gil Mars

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gil Mars : [while watching video of the Commando Elite]  hey, wait, wait, wait a minute! Hold on, hold on, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Can they uh, can they really do that?

  Larry Benson : Do what?

  Gil Mars : The thing where he punches his way out of the box.

  Larry Benson : No.

  Gil Mars : I didn't think so.

  Larry Benson : There's a disclaimer. I mean, legal says we're completely covered.

  Gil Mars : You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show 4x4 trucks parking at the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head. OK? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys actually could talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talkin' about toys that are so smart, when kids play with 'em, they play back. Toys in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.

  Irwin Wayfair : Well that's an interesting idea.

  Gil Mars : Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime GloboTech lithium cell. Keep these things around forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.

  Larry Benson : Yeah. Hey, how's this for a slogan: The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy.

  Gil Mars : Everything else is just a toy.

  Larry Benson : Th-th-That's good too.

  Irwin Wayfair : Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and...

  Larry Benson : Irwin. Irwin. We're members of the Globotech family. Surely we can hunt down the technology.

  Gil Mars : We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this, these guys are soldiers right. And what do soldiers need?

  Irwin Wayfair : Hats?

  Larry Benson : Cam-cam- camouflage

  Gil Mars : Ms. Kegel?

  Ms. Kegel : Enemies, sir.

  Gil Mars : Enemies. See,

  [picks up gorgonize cutouts of ocula and insaniac] 

  Gil Mars : These hideous, ugly freaks-- these guys are the enemy. And our guys have to seek 'em out and vaporize 'em.

  Irwin Wayfair : Well, no they're not.. sir? Um, don't you think that's um a bit violent?

  Gil Mars : Exactly. So don't call it violence. Call it action. Kids love action. It sells. Besides, what're you worried about? They're only toys.

• Gil Mars : Excuse me, did you say "learn"?

  Irwin Wayfair : [stuttering]  Learn, learn... yeah

  Gil Mars : ...Next.

• Christy Fimple : Any sign of the Gorgonites?

  Alan : No, none of them.

  Phil Fimple : [calling off shot]  Come on Christy!

  Christy Fimple : [kisses Alan on cheek]  I gotta go.

  [Alan grabs her and kisses her overdramatically] 

  Gil Mars : [getting into helicopter, looking at wreckage]  Too bad, would've made a hell of a commercial.

• Gil Mars : Now these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?

  Irwin Wayfair : Hats?

• Gil Mars : What are you worried about? They're only toys...

• Larry Benson : Uh, Mr. Mars, hi. I just wanna assure to you that i... . I take full responsibility for all of this.

  Gil Mars : Yeah, right. Give me that

  [holding severed Major Chip head] 

  Gil Mars : What were we charging for these things?

  Irwin Wayfair : Seventy-nine ninety-five.

  Gil Mars : Tell you what. Add a few zeros to the end of that number and get in touch with our military division. I know some rebels in South America who are gonna find these toys... very entertaining.