Dominion Tank Police (1988–1989)

Kate Harper: Auctioneer, Civilian, Frame, Mayor, PA (1992)

Quotes 

• Mayoress : A surgeon operates with a scalpel which he takes good care to sterilize to prevent unnecessary infections. If he uses a *tank*, the patient tends to *die*!

• Chief Of Police : I resent that! It was you politicians who gave us "surgeons" those tanks in the first place. Besides, these days, tanks are about as effective as toothpicks.

  Mayoress : Toothpicks? Well, if tanks are no better than toothpicks, what would *you* consider is appropriate equipment for the police to use in preventing crime?

  Chief Of Police : I'm glad you asked me that. I wouldn't mind replacing my guns with tactical nuclear weapons.

  Mayoress : Nuclear weapons?

  Chief Of Police : Nuclear weapons can stop wars, as they had done; they should be able to stop criminals. Though I'm a pessimist, I don't think we'll ever get rid of crime completely.

  Mayoress : Chief, you cannot be serious!

  Chief Of Police : Deadly serious. It was people like you who gave us the tanks and told us to fight the bad guys. We can argue about whether the law that set us up was a good one or not, but the law's the law and now we're *here*. We're right at the sharp end of the fight against crime, and if you want law and order, I've only got one thing to say: if you want us to stop 'em, *give us more TANKS*!

  Chief Of Police : [in full rant mode]  Don't you understand? This is waaar! And my Tank Police are at the front liiine!

• [first lines] 

  Mayoress : Why in Hell does our Police Department have to carry enough firepower to wipe out the city's population five times over? The police are here to protect the people's rights and property, not to threaten them! When innocent lives are sacrificed in the name of crime prevention, the police are no better than the hoodlums they're fighting against.

  Chief Of Police : Madame Mayor, you should've said that to the Council years ago when they set up the Tank Police. It's worth remembering that the percentage of civilians killed or injured in tank-related incidents is a mere five percent of incidents related to traffic accidents or bacterial poisoning. What's more, the crime rate has dropped 20% since we started using tanks. I think the police should be commended.

  Mayoress : "A mere five percent"? And you're *proud* of that? That kind of attitude could cost us our jobs! I don't think you have any idea how easily the voters could kick us right out of office!

  Chief Of Police : I know that the voters are happy to see murderers and rapists get their asses shot off. Make up your mind: do you want give in to a few fairy pinkos, or keep little old ladies safe on the streets?

  Mayoress : You have a duty to everyone! And that includes rapists, murderers, *and* fairy pinkos!

  Chief Of Police : Don't give me the same crap you feed the press. The thing you really care about is getting re-elected! You can't cut out a cancer without spilling a little blood. Would you tell a surgeon to go ahead and operate, and then order him to stop while the patient - or, in our case, the city - dies slowly and painfully of a tumor taking over his gut?

  Mayoress : I am not ordering the surgery to stop!

  Chief Of Police : Sure you are! You can't take the heat in the kitchen!

  Mayoress : I'm simply ordering *you* to stop doing the operation with a blunt chainsaw!

  Chief Of Police : "Chainsaw"?

  Mayoress : A surgeon operates with a scalpel which he takes good care to sterilize to prevent unnecessary infection. If use uses a *tank*, the patient tends to *die*!

  Chief Of Police : I resent that! It was you politicians who gave us surgeons those tanks in the first place. Besides, these days, tanks are about as effective as toothpicks.

  Mayoress : "Toothpicks"? Well, if tanks are no better than toothpicks, what would *you* consider as appropriate equipment for the police to use in preventing crime?

  Chief Of Police : I'm glad you asked me that. I wouldn't mind replacing our guns with tactical nuclear weapons.

  Mayoress : [aghast]  Nuclear weapons?

  Chief Of Police : Nuclear weapons can stop wars, as they have done; they should be able to stop criminals! Though I'm a pessimist; I don't think we'll ever get rid of crime completely.

  Mayoress : Chief, you cannot be serious!

  Chief Of Police : Deadly serious. It was people like *you* who gave us the tanks and told us to fight the bad guys. We can argue about whether the law that set us up was a good one or not, but the law's the law, and now we're *here*! We're right at the sharp end of the fight against crime, and if you want law and order, I've only got one thing to say: if you want us to stop them, *give us more TANKS*!

  Chief Of Police : [in full rant mode]  Can't you understand? This is *waaar*! And my Tank Police are at the front *liiine*!