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6/10
Squatty gets lucky
Wolfgang_Rodenbach22 December 2009
Warning: Spoilers
Compared to the current slew of parodies that are more like loving recreations of the original series, this long running Sex Trek series that originated in 1990 actually is a spoof. Writer Cash Markham tries to make every piece of dialog into a joke. Most of them are crude and there is so much potty humor that it almost seems to have been written by a teenager, but still. Naturally there are also a log of potshot at well known Star Trek conventions & clichés.

The first installment didn't feature any establishing shots of the Starship Plunderer (unless you count that one shot of a silver dildo being moved by a human hand during the opening credits). This time we get to see uncomfortably large closeups of a cobbled together 'model' made out of several rubber sex toys. As Captain Quirk of the Starship Plunderer, Randy Spears is adequate at copying the Shatner inflections. And as noted in the trivia section, Mike Horner is sadly missing in action in Sex Trek 2, forcing Cash Markham to adapt the infamous 3rd season opener 'Spock's Brain' and spoof the subtitle of Star Trek III.

Just like in the first Sex Trek, the sexual action starts in sickbay of the Starship Plunderer. Here Dr. McJoy (Joey Silvera) gives one of his nurses (Mona Lisa) a thorough examination. This time around however, we simultaneously see Mr. Squat (Randy West) on the bridge doing it with an assistant of his own. She looks like a female Sulu but is later identified as Yeaman Gland (and is played by Miyagi). Both men sport the same early curly perm that looks like the Eighties never finished.

Suddenly time slows down to a crawl on the ship when a mysterious female (Danielle Rogers) appears on the bridge to check out all the men's packages. When the bridge crew awakens, the continuously bad tempered McJoy calls Quirk and Squatty down to sickbay to tell them Mr. Sperm's genitals have somehow been stolen. And even worse: his reproductive organs also house his brain!

After beaming down to planet Dawomb, Quirk orders Seeman Bill (played by sound man J.B.) to pleasure the alien babe Nona (Sharise). Unfortunately Bill is promptly electrocuted by Nona's nipple, just like his brother Bob died a red shirt death in the previous episode. On the fly, Quirk and McJoy make some references to the wimpy crew of the Next Generation waiting in the wings to take over their ship, which indeed they would come Sex Trek IV.

Back on the Plunderer, Squatty pulls his usual trick of disabling the Transporter so he can: A) have the bridge all to himself and B) have another Yeoman all to himself. Meanwhile down below the landing party (Quirk, McJoy and Gland) gets fitted with some nifty dog collars just like in Spocks Brain and in the Wonder Years parody of the same. The leader of the planet of 7000 women (Rogers) takes Gland to her bedroom where Nona is still waiting for some fun. Afterwards the nameless leader freezes McJoy and tries to force her will on the captain, only to become another notch on the bedpost of James. T. Quirk, like everybody knew she would.

James T. and Boner get away from the girls and locate Sperm's meat and two veg - which of course has the ability to communicate with them. And since it is much simpler for McJoy to reconnect the male member to Sperm's body than it was for McCoy to reconnect Spock's brain, the film is over in no time and everybody ends up laughing it up in sickbay (except for the guy doubling for Mike Horner on the table).

6 out of 10
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