The League of Gentlemen (1999–2017)
Steve Pemberton: Barbara Dixon, Charlie Hull, Harvey Denton, Pauline Campbell-Jones, Reenie Calver, Tubbs Tattsyrup, Ally Welles, Anne Hand, Ava De Courcey Ernest Foot, Barry Baggs, Bob Chagall, Daddy, Dave Parkes, Dr Ira Carlton, Dr Lucas Wesley, Dr Timothy Majolica, Farmer Jed Tinsel, Iain Cashmore, Inspector Shakespeare, Jed Hunter, Mary Hobbs, Maurice Evans, Mike Harris, Mr Best, Nancy Glass, Oshi Kurosawa, Pop, The Mechanic, Tish Guppy, Various Characters, Wolf Lipp, Herr Lipp, Timothy Majolica, Various
Photos
Quotes
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Ross : Home.
Pauline : Royston Vasey.
Ross : Family.
Pauline : Dead.
Ross : Friends
Pauline : Pens.
Ross : [more irritated] Friends.
Pauline : Pens! They're the best friends you can have. Everything I know about people I learned from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em. If they still don't work, you chuck 'em away, bin them!
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Pauline : Hokey-cokey-pig-in-a-pokey.
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Pauline Campbell-Jones : Just who do you think you're talking to ?
Cathy Carter-Smith : Well according to my report a psychotic 50-year-old lesbian.
Pauline Campbell-Jones : How dare you. I'm 48
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Harvey Denton : Perhaps you are a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent, a dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread eagled on pillows forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.
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Ross : This is my report. It has everything I need for your immediate termination, and believe me, I'm gunna push for that.
[reads from report]
Ross : Use of abusive and threatening language...
Pauline : Oh, come off it.
[Ross pulls out a dictaphone]
Pauline : [on tape] You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point of you coming in? Sit up straight you bone-idle lazy cunt!
[pause]
Pauline : What was that?
Ross : That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.
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Phil : What people forget is gays are normal, regular, healthy guys.
Olly Plimsoles : Dykes on the other hand are evil.
Dave : Ollie!
Olly Plimsoles : Picture the scene, you arrive home early to find your wife Linda in bed with another man. Only it's not actually man. It's a big fat lezza smoking *my* pipe and wearing my slippers!
[Phil tries to calm Ollie down]
Olly Plimsoles : [shouts] Don't touch me, you poof! Anyway, what was I saying? Tolerance is an important issue...
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Tubbs : We didn't burn him.
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Val : [reading the house rules about scissors] Black for paper, chrome for string, the blue ones from this hook do swing. We keep them clean, don't be mistaken for kitchen jobs like trimming bacon.
Benjamin : Well, that's fine. I need to meet Martin...
Val Denton : Then there's the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard beneath the stair...
[Harvey enters]
Harvey Denton : ...you'll find the red for pubic hair.
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Harvey Denton : When I was younger I suffered terrible facial warts. I remember the whispered comments, "Here comes Harvey toadface." "Quick hide, toadface Denton is coming!"
Val Denton : And that was his mother and father.
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Geoff Tipps : God he's bloody deaf, him.
Mike Harris : Well, you know what they say, Geoff.
Geoff Tipps : What?
Mike Harris : [mumbles]
Geoff Tipps : Eh?
Mike Harris : [mumbles]
Geoff Tipps : I can't hear you!
Mike Harris : I said "bummers are deaf!"
[laughs]
Geoff Tipps : Ah, it's a good one, that.
Mike Harris : I fell for it and all.
Brian Morgan : [Brian catches up] Sorry lads, I was getting that table for tonight.
Geoff Tipps : Here, Brian. You know what they say, don't you? Bummers are deaf.
Brian Morgan : What do you mean?
Geoff Tipps : Well, they're deaf, aren't they? Bummers are deaf!
Brian Morgan : I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.
Geoff Tipps : Well I don't! Mike said it. He was really laughing.
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Pauline : Do you see how easy it is? its as simple as Mickey.
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Val Denton : We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa bed, you'll have your own shower and WC.
Harvey Denton : Into which we do not pass solids.
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Tubbs : Don't touch the things, this is a local shop for local people, there's nothing for you here.
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Pauline : Ooh, it's half past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work. Other men stay in bed until dinnertime watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are... Good morning, jobseekers.
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Tubbs : You lied to me Edward. You lied to me. There is a Swansea... and other places.
-
'Tubbs' Tattsyrup : Are you... local?
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Edward : I used to be in a war. And I put paid to quite a few like you, this is a decent town and a local shop, there's nothing for you here.
Tubbs : Tell him I can't have babies anyway. Tell him my insides are all wrong.
Edward : Go on then, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home,
[shouts]
Edward : rape our dead mouths! Just as long as I don't have to hear any more of your disgusting babble.
-
Mike Harris : [a good time later] The thing is we're banking on this road but what if it doesn't happen?
Brian Morgan : I thought it was a dead cert.
Mike Harris : Our company needs...
Geoff Tipps : PLUMS!
Brian Morgan : You what?
Geoff Tipps : It's plums, go on.
Brian Morgan : Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now.
Geoff Tipps : Course it bloody matters! He's right near the end. There's only the Irish man left. Come on Brian. The chief turns to the Irish man, "Death or Mau Mau."
Mike Harris : You didn't do the voice.
Geoff Tipps : Don't matter. Finish it.
Brian Morgan : I can't remember.
Geoff Tipps : Finish it.
Brian Morgan : I can't remember it Geoff.
Geoff Tipps : Please.
Brian Morgan : Geoff. I honestly can't remember.
Geoff Tipps : [crying] It's just a big bloody joke to you isn't it? Oh, Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff is a joke. Geoff enters a talet competition and loses. Me mam said I would win. I was only eight. WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?
Geoff Tipps : [pulls out gun] Oh you're listening now. Well you, are going to tell this joke.
[looks around him]
Geoff Tipps : And we're all gonna laugh. Or Mike gets it!
[puts gun to Mike's head]
Brian Morgan : All right Geoff. For God's sake, I'll finish the joke. The chief says "Death or Mau Mau", the Irish man looks at his fruit.
Geoff Tipps : PINEAPPLES! THEY'RE...
Brian Morgan : Pineapples! He looks at them and says "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau, I choose death." And the chief says to him...
Mike Harris : [Geoff cocks the gun] Get it right Brian.
Brian Morgan : He says... I can't remember.
Mike Harris : He says, "Death by Mau Mau."
[pause]
Geoff Tipps : [calmly] Oh, you heard it?
Mike Harris : Yeah.
-
[Iain is being interviewed at a dating agency]
Olive Kilshaw : Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
Iain Cashmore : I'm sorry?
Olive Kilshaw : Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
Iain Cashmore : I can't really say.
Olive Kilshaw : So, not at all kind to animals.
Iain Cashmore : Well, don't say that...
Olive Kilshaw : No, I've got to take your first answer. Are you quiet?
Iain Cashmore : When?
Olive Kilshaw : In general.
Iain Cashmore : Well, sometimes...
Olive Kilshaw : So quiet.
Iain Cashmore : Don't put that...
Olive Kilshaw : No, I've got to take all your bad points as well.
Iain Cashmore : That's not necessarily a bad point, is it?
Olive Kilshaw : Well, you say that, but you can't get a girlfriend, can you?
-
Herr Lip : If you don't understand any of my sayings, come to me in private and I will take you in my German mouth.
-
Harvey Denton : A dirty brush is a useless brush!
-
[repeated line]
Reenie Calver , Vinnie Wythenshaw : That Merril!
-
Ross : Newsagent, police man, carpet fitter, doctor, vet, tennis player, football player...
Pauline : Hold on a second,
[writing]
Pauline : tennis...
Ross : ...solider, spy, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, fisherman, builder, labourer
Pauline : All right clever dick. That's enough now.
[beat]
Ross : And astronaut.
Pauline : PISS OFF.
[leaning in his face]
Pauline : You can shout out as many jobs as you like Ross, you'll never bloody get one, you worthless dole scum.
-
Harvey Denton : While the wee wife's away just a few words on the subject of onanism. In this house, we don't masturbate. It's not a particularly pleasant thing to do, especially with two young girls running around now is it? I would hate to imagine either Chloe or Radcliffe, tearing down the stairs first thing in the morning, only to find you, hunched double on the sofa bed pumping your fist!
-
Workman : Got a frog here for Mr. Denton.
Harvey Denton : A WHAT?
Workman : A frog.
Harvey Denton : How dare you sir. In this house we do not use the f word. This... is a toad!
-
Phil : [another of their plays] When mum said I was autistic, I thought she meant I was good at drawing. But then again, I was never like any of the other boys. They were into football.
Dave : YAY!
Phil : Or girls.
Olly Plimsoles : Phwoar!
Phil : And I liked books and dolls.
Olly Plimsoles : Poof!
Dave : Mary!
Olly Plimsoles : Homo!
Dave : Nancy!
Olly Plimsoles : [tearful] Linda...
-
Harvey Denton : Batrachianism is a most rewarding pastime. We thought we'd give you a tour of the amphibarium, and then if you're very good you can stroke my greenback.
-
Olive Kilshaw : Oooh, it's like "Cracker" this, isn't it? Why did you force her? Why did you force her?
Iain Cashmore : I didn't force her... I didn't force her...
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Barbara Dixon : As a woman I could have you under the sex discrimination act!
Geoff Tipps : As a woman, we could have you under the trade's description act!
-
Pauline : Some of us, like Ross here, will want to follow in their father's footsteps... but you can't sign on forever.
-
Tubbs : Yes, can I help you at all?
-
Tubbs : He asked me to open the till, he has a plan he covets the precious things of the shop.
-
Tubbs : Line and lines and lines and lines.
-
Barbara Dixon : The good thing is, they know me there now. I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins once my bust started showing.
-
Barry Baggs : I were looking forward to that scampi.
-
Barry Baggs : You're not havin' this money I owe you.
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Hillary Briss : It's like I always say. I'm a business man; I've a shelf full of black puddings out there, can't say I care for it.
Maurice : You mean... you don't eat the special stuff?
Hillary Briss : Someone has to stay in control.
-
Pauline : Mickey! If you walk out the door, I'll have no option but to stop your benefit.
Ross : She can't do that!
Pauline : Try me.
Mickey : Please Pauline, I feel confident.
Pauline : Well you look ridiculous! I know they put monkeys in space, but do you think they'll have one driving a fire engine.
[Mickey sits down dejected]
Pauline : That's right Mickey love, you stick to what you know, eh?
Mickey : Pauline's right, I am stupid.
Pauline : Right the rest of you, I want you to split yourself into two groups, babysitters and bramble pickers, and we'll look at the next step. Getting an interview.
-
Doctor Matthew Chinnery : [to a dog] Hello old girl. Oh, you really are on your last legs aren't you? Had a good innings, eh? Chased a few cats, chewed a few bones. Well, you won't be in pain for much longer. Oh, don't mind this. Just a silly little needle.
[the dog whimpers as he injects it, but he pets, and soothes it]
Dr. Matthew Chinnery : Off to the land of nod. Good dog.
[Farmer Tinsel then enters carrying another dog]
Farmer Tinsel : Ugh, the galstone's made him put on weight Mr. Chinnery.
Dr. Matthew Chinnery : What have you got there?
Farmer Tinsel : Here's Blacko. The poorly one. The one I want putting down.
Dr. Chinnery : And this one, the... sleeping one.
Farmer Tinsel : Whiskey. My litle angel she is. Aren't you pet? Whiskey? Whiskey?
Dr. Matthew Chinnery : I wonder if you can take a seat Mr. Tinsel, I have some rather upsetting news.
-
Harvey Denton : Maybe if you spent a little less time cavorting with Madam Palm and her five daughters, you'd be a little more alert.
-
Pauline Campbell-Jones : You can't come in here ordering them around and telling them they're useless, that's my job!
-
Pauline : Ross, that is not my responsibility. My responsibility is turning you all into job seekers. Now, where would I be if you all got work before the end of the course?
Colin : On the dole.
Pauline : Exactly! I'd be here sitting next to Mr. Waddilove stinking of shit! This is my job we're talking about!
-
Herr Lip : Lotte will finger your hymn on the organ but I wish to conduct you myself.
-
Barbara Dixon : I've only been on the hormones 18 months. My nipples are like bullets.
-
Pauline : It's about Mickey. He's getting married.
Ross : Oh-ho. The plot thickens. Who is the poor bitch?
Pauline : It's me.
Ross : What?
Pauline : Mickey's asked me to marry him, and I've said yes.
Ross : You and Mickey?
Pauline : Yes.
Ross : The lesbian and the monkey. Sounds like one of Esop's fables.
-
Geoff Tipps : Barbara? Are bummers deaf?
Barbara Dixon : I've no idea.
Geoff Tipps : I don't know why I'm asking you, you're a woman.
Barbara Dixon : Not quite, Geoff. They've got to open me up first, along the base of the scrotum...
-
Barbara Dixon : It's OK once you've been shaved and marked up with lipstick. Course they won't know about lubrication until they open me up.
-
Geoff Tipps : Now, just think what the end is. And go back.
Brian Morgan : There's an English man...
Geoff Tipps : Fruit.
Brian Morgan : What?
Geoff Tipps : It's the fruit.
Brian Morgan : [realising] Oh yeah!
Geoff Tipps : He remembers it now.
Brian Morgan : English man, Irish man, scotchman. They get captured by the cannibals and they have to go out into the jungle and pick ten pieces of fruit. So they come back and the chief says, "So Englishman..."
Geoff Tipps : Do the voice!
Brian Morgan : [in voice] "So English man, now you must choose between death or Mau Mau." and the english man says "We English will not bow to you savages, I choose Mau Mau." so they grab him and stick the ten pieces of fruit up his arse...
Geoff Tipps : And what did he pick?
Brian Morgan : Oh, the englishman picked cherries.
Geoff Tipps : [cracking up] Ha ha! Cherries. Imagine that Mike, tnen cherries sticking up your arse, Cherries are only really small though aren't they?
[pause]
Geoff Tipps : Go on Brian.
Brian Morgan : Right, so the chief turns to the scotchman and says "Death or Mau Mau" and... oh. What's the scotsman's fruit Geoff, it it bananas?
Geoff Tipps : No it's smaller then that. Just a sec.
Brian Morgan : Well let's just sa...
Geoff Tipps : It's too big! It spoils the next one.
Brian Morgan : Apples.
Geoff Tipps : No.
Mike Harris : Strawberries?
Geoff Tipps : What, in the jungle?
-
Barbara Dixon : To be honest, I think I favour internal protection over towels. I mean, who wants to walk around with a great big matress in between their legs all day?
-
Joseph Lisgoe : Pay attention you ignorant bastard! Now, twinkle toes is gonna try and get that money off you. Off you go.
Glenn Baggs : Got that money Mr. Baggs?
Barry Baggs : Yeah, here it is, ten, twenty, thirty...
Joseph Lisgoe : No, no no! It's not as easy as that is it? Put up a fight like they do with you.
Barry Baggs : Err...
Joseph Lisgoe : Never mind, give it back.
Barry Baggs : No.
Joseph Lisgoe : What?
Barry Baggs : Come back Thursday.
Joseph Lisgoe : We're not playing that now, give me thne thirty quid.
Barry Baggs : No, you can't have it. My mam needs it for an operation, she's having her legs replaced.
-
Dr Ira Carlton : You cannot buy my opinion as you would by a used motor car.
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Olive Kilshaw : Let me explain how a dating agency works. 95% of the people who come through our doors are weirdos. My boyfriend doesn't like me working here. It's not that he's jealous, I say to him, "You should see the state of some of them!" No, its because he thinks it's depressing for me.
Iain Cashmore : Did you meet him through an agency?
Olive Kilshaw : [laughing] No! I shall tell him that tonight, he'll bloody laugh! No, I met him at a friend's party. You see, you meet people through people, and thats what a lot of them haven't got... friends! And you have to question that, don't you? But enough about me, let's get you paired up. Miracles can happen you know!
-
'Tubbs' Tattsyrup : He spoke of walking, but not on legs!
-
[talking about his/her sex change operation]
Barbara Dixon : One little prick and it'll all be over. Then they cut my cock off.
-
Joseph Lisgoe : Right, you two, this is the last chance saloon. How much money did you pair of clowns collect last week?
Barry Baggs : Err...
Joseph Lisgoe : Six pound! Six bloody pound. And you only found that because it were down the back of a sofa you brung in.
Barry Baggs : Is there any sandwiches?
[Lisgoe throws something at him]
Glenn Baggs : Sorry, Mr. Lisgoe, we...
Joseph Lisgoe : I know what it is. You're as soft as bloddy shite. So we're going to have a bit of retraining or you're out on your arses. You, Fatty Arbuckle.
Barry Baggs : I'm not fat, I'm large.
Joseph Lisgoe : Right, here's thirty quid.
Barry Baggs : Ooh, thanks Mr. Lisgoe I'll get some pop. You want owt Glenn?
-
Dr Ira Carlton : Come in.
[Mrs Beasly enters]
Dr Ira Carlton : Sit down as usual. Now, what *seems* to be the problem?
Gina Beasley : I've been having these bad headaches for months now. And I think there's something seriously wrong.
Dr Ira Carlton : I'll be the judge of that if you don't mind! I'm going to subscribe you some tablets, they're called Paracetemol, you take two at the first sign of the pain recurring. Now go out will you?
Gina Beasley : Actually, Dr. Carlton, I've tried Paracetemol and they don't seem to work.
Dr Ira Carlton : You see, once again you are crossing the line. And I don't like it one bit. Are you tidy?
Gina Beasley : I try to be.
Dr Ira Carlton : Methodical.
Gina Beasley : Yes.
Dr Ira Carlton : [pause] Which means you are obsessional, a trait often subscribed to hypercondriacts. And on that note we'll end, come and see me again in twenty two weeks. Now go out will you?
[she is about to speak up]
Dr Ira Carlton : GO OUT WILL YOU?
Gina Beasley : [bursts into tears]
