Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen (1988)

Monty Hoffman: Self

Quotes 

• Monty Hoffman : This kid walks up to me says "Are you the guy from the Operation game?" I said "no, I'm a fucking ninja!"

• Monty Hoffman : I got something every man wants. Tits! I know what you ladies are thinking. You're thinking "What a hunka hunka burning love". Some people think i look like Elvis. About 3 hours before his death. It doesn't matter, I know in a few years I'll be a sex god. Ladies will scream "There's a fat one, he ain't got aids, get him!"

• Monty Hoffman : I had a relationship going once. I lived with this woman for 14 days. Then she chewed through the ropes and got free.

• Monty Hoffman : One time I got really drunk and came home and abused my wife and kids. Then i realised I was in the the wrong apartment! And I'm single!

• Monty Hoffman : I know what you're thinking. "This guy did coke for 3 years? What was it laced with butter?"

• Monty Hoffman : I like kinky girls myself. Women always talk dirty to me in bed. They say, "GET OFF ME YA FAT BASTARD"

• Monty Hoffman : I was driving around Brooklyn and got into an automobile accident. I took it to a mechanic and asked him to give me a rough estimate. So he kicks me in the nuts and says "$450"

• Monty Hoffman : Matter of fact, I could do with a blow job Been so long I forgot how they taste!