The Sifl & Olly Show (1998–1999)

Matt Crocco: Sifl, Chester, Precious Roy, Various

Quotes 

• [Silf and Olly are taking calls from the audience] 

  Olly : Next caller.

  Jargon Scott : Hi, I'm Jargon Scott.

  Sifl : Uh oh...

  Olly : Hi, Jargon, what's your question?

  Jargon Scott : Well, I was gonna ask you boys if you'd be interested in, uh, purchasing a little item I've got here.

  Olly : Not legless dogs...

  Jargon Scott : Today I am offering legless dogs.

  Olly : No, I'm sorry, we're not interested.

  Jargon Scott : Now listen, hear me out... You never have to walk 'em.

  Olly : Oh gosh...

  Jargon Scott : They're like cuddly throw pillows.

  Olly : No, look, we just...

  Jargon Scott : Like cats with personality.

  Olly : We just can't really...

  Jargon Scott : They never run away.

  Sifl : True, but...

  Jargon Scott : They're safe around children. What do you guys say?

  Sifl : No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we're not interested, sir.

  Jargon Scott : Hear me out buddy.

  Olly : Well, I'm sorry, we're gonna have to take another call...

  [They hang up on him] 

• Olly : Next caller.

  Caller : I think these Squirrel Zappers are so inhumane.

  Olly : My friend, what about electric dog fences? What about the fact that squirrels are responsible for 70% of all deaths?

  Caller : No, they're not.

  Olly : But they are. They are actually.

  Sifl : Yeah, I've had serious problems with squirrels.

  Olly : Why would we be lying if we were on television? I think we need to talk to Precious Roy.

  Precious Roy : THIS IS PRECIOUS ROY. And I listen to the Indigo Girls.

  Olly : No, Precious, what about these squirrel zappers?

  Precious Roy : You guys smell like old soup. SUCKERS.

• Sifl : Hi everybody, welcome to the Precious Roy Home Shopping Network. I'm Sifl... and this is my friend Olly

  Olly : (breathes in deeply) Folks if you're like me your legs are all SCARRED UP AND ITCHY WITH ELF BITES. OOOOH, IT'S ITCHY. OOHH.

• Olly : Do you know the language of love?

  Chester : Yeah, it's like...

  Olly : How's it go?

  Chester : Sure, "Hey fruity lips... come on, come on home with me sugar butt."

  Olly : Sugar Butt?

  Chester : Yeah.

  Olly : You called a girl "Sugar Butt"?

  Chester : Yeah, and I keep cereal in my pocket, to feed them.

• Sifl : Hey dude, you're ugh, you're looking a little better. You feel like you're getting over the puberty thing?

  Olly : I feel a little bit better. I need to, I think I'm going to have to start going on those shots, the puberty shots.

  Sifl : You've got to learn how to balance, you know, your emotions and all these chemicals that are racing through your body.

  Olly : What are you dude, a doctor?

  Sifl : Yeah. I got my PhD in Puberty.

  Olly : What?

  Sifl : Yeah, in fact I used to teach Puberty to the elderly. I'd travel from retirement home to retirement home.

• Olly : You know you've tried the bug sprays, you left small poisonous cupcakes out for them, you've called the exterminator and every wizard in the phone book, but despite your attempts, you just can't get rid of these darn elves. You know. I bet, you know, you're asking me, Precious Roy how can I get rid of these fucking elves?

  Sifl : Dude.

  Olly : Folks, you're not dealing with a cockroach or a rat here. You're dealing with a small irritable magical man. Armed to the teeth with a thousand deadly jigs and dance steps.

  Sifl : Oh you know the problems I've been having dancing with elves.

  Olly : Sifl, You've had a lot of serious ass dirty dancing with elves problems.

• Olly : Folks, there's always vacancies at the Precious Roy Elf Hotel. Elves check in but they don't check out, YOU DIG MOTHER. You know, I know what you're thinking Sifl, you're thinking "How does it work?"

  Sifl : No, actually I was thinking about Jaquiline Smith.

  Olly : Exactly. Everyone knows that an elf can't resist a hooker in a Hotel room.

  Sifl : What?

  Olly : It's a simple equation folks. Prostitution, divided by Hotels, equals dead Elves. How does it work? The elves are attracted to the sign outside. "Hookers. I can't wait to get the hookers." They go in, hop in the sack and they try to do the horizontal jig in super glue for the last time. Those... Little... Bastards... Will... Pay... let's take, some calls.

• Sifl : Who does the prostitute's laundry?

  Olly : ...What the hell made you just ask that?

  Sifl : Well... Ho's gotta wash their clothes too.

  Olly : But the thing is, a pimp, that's a pimp's job.

  Sifl : To clean their clothes?

  Olly : Yeah.

  Sifl : I guess, the really good ones do it.

  Olly : Prostitute's are busy.

  Sifl : Pimp's got a bad rap, like they don't do anything for their... Ho's.

  Olly : No, the thing is, that a prostitute, a pimp is supposed to wash a prostitute's clothes.

  Sifl : Wow, did you take a class on this?

  Olly : Sure.

• Precious Roy : [shouting]  This is precious Roy. I'm stuck at a gas station.

  Olly : Precious, what about the Sasquatch feeders?

  Precious Roy : [shouting]  Tastes like cheap lotion. You guys are suckers.

• [Stealth wants to beat up Olly] 

  Stealth : I'm gonna kick his ass, then I'm gonna kick *your* ass.

  Sifl : You're not gonna touch me!

• Precious Roy : I LOVE ALGEBRA! SUCKERS!