Monsters, Inc. (2001)
Billy Crystal: Mike
Photos
Quotes
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Sulley : [is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball] Mike?
Mike : Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.
Sulley : Mike, you don't understand.
Mike : Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.
Sulley : I'm being attacked!
Mike : No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a team. Nothing is more important than our friendship.
[Boo approaches Mike, frightened]
Mike : I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive.
Mike : [Sulley is being strangled] Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am baring my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!
[Throws snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knock him out]
Mike : Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.
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Mike : Good morning, Roz, my succulent little garden snail. And who will we be scaring today?
Roz : Wazowski! You didn't file your paperwork last night.
Mike : Oh, that darn paperwork! Wouldn't it be easier if it all just blew away?
Roz : Don't let it happen again.
Mike : Yes, well, I'll try to be more careful next time.
Roz : I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching. Always.
Mike : Ooh, she's nuts.
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Randall : Cheating? Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in five minutes?
Mike : Ah, I get a time-out?
Randall : Everyone goes to lunch! Which means: the scare floor will be...?
Mike : ...Painted?
Randall : EMPTY! It'll be empty, you idiot! You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up...
[forces Mike's left arm up]
Randall : and the little hand is pointing up...
[forces his right arm up]
Randall : the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points down...
[bends the right arm over the left; Mike groans in pain]
Randall : the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?
[Mike whimpers and nods]
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Randall : [Finding out that he caught Mike instead of Boo] Wazowski! Where is it, you little one-eyed cretin?
Mike : Okay, first of all, it's "creetin". If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping ME is gonna help YOU cheat your way to the top.
Randall : [chuckles evilly] You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
Mike : Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled... like that... And now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
[a Handle Bar is placed down preventing Mike from leaving, and his hands get cuffed on]
Randall : I am about to revolutionize the scaring industry, and when I do, even the great James P. Sullivan will be working of me. First I need to know where the kid is, and you're gonna tell me.
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Mike : Roz, my tender, oozing blossom, you're looking fabulous today. Is that a new haircut? Come on, tell me it's a new haircut, isn't it? It's got to be a new haircut. New makeup? You had a lift? You had a tuck? You had something? Something has been inserted in in you that makes you look... Listen, I need a favor. Randall was working late last night out on the scare floor. I really need the key to the door he was using.
Roz : Well, isn't that nice? But guess what? You didn't turn in your paperwork last night.
Mike : He didn't... I... no paperwork?
Roz : This office is now closed.
[closes the window on Mike's fingers]
Mike : YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
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Celia : Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays but this is the best birthday ever.
[Mike stares lovingly at her]
Celia : What are you looking at?
Mike : I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
Celia : [shyly] Stop it.
Mike : Your hair was shorter then.
Celia : Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut.
[the snakes in Celia's hair squeal with fear]
Mike : No-no, I like it this length.
[the snakes sigh in relief]
Mike : I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
Celia : What did you say?
Mike : I said...
[Just then, Sulley's face appears in the window behind Celia]
Mike : Sulley?
Celia : Sulley?
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Sulley : How can I do this? How could I be so stupid? This could ruin the company.
Mike : The company? Who cares about the company? What about us? That thing is a KILLING MACHINE!
[points at Boo, who is babbling harmlessly]
Mike : I bet it's waiting for us to fall asleep, and then - bam! Oh, we're easy prey, my friend. Easy prey! We're sitting targets!
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Henry J. Waternoose : This has gone far enough, James.
Sulley : She's home now. Just leave her alone!
Henry J. Waternoose : I can't do that, James. She's seen too much. You both have.
Sulley : It doesn't have to be this way.
Henry J. Waternoose : I have no choice! Times have changed. Scaring isn't enough anymore.
Sulley : But kidnapping children?
Henry J. Waternoose : I'll kidnap a thousand children before I let this company die, and I'll silence anyone who gets in my way!
[Waternoose knocks Sulley to the ground and lunges at Boo]
Sulley : No!
[Waternoose instead finds the simulated child]
Voice : Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated...
Henry J. Waternoose : [confused] Huh? But... What?
[the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]
Mike : I don't know about you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we?
[replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]
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Mike : Psst, Fungus. Fungus, you like cars? Because I got a really nice car. You let me go, I'll give you... a ride... in the car.
Fungus : I'm sorry, Wazowski, but Randall said I'm not allowed to fraternize with victims of his evil plot.
[Sulley Grabs Fungus from above, Mike looks up overjoyed. In the Next Scene, Randall gets the Scream Extractor working again, only to find Fungus where Mike should be]
Randall : What are you doing? Where's Wazowski?
[Randall turns off the machine as Fungus, now turned white and pale from the Scream Extractor, weakly points out to him]
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Mike : [as the Scream Extractor approaches] What is that thing? What is that thing? Hey, hey, hey, that thing is moving. I don't like big, moving things that are moving towards me.
[the Scream Extractor comes to a stop, pointing itself directly at Mike]
Randall : Say hello to the Scream Extractor.
Mike : Hello. Hey, where are you going? C'mon, we'll talk! We'll have a latte!
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Sulley : Mike, that's not her door.
Mike : What are you talking about? Of course it's her door. It's her door.
Sulley : No. Her door was white and it had flowers on it.
Mike : No. It must've dark last night because this is its door.
[opens the door. A bright light and polka music emanate from the room]
Mike : [to Boo] You hear that? Sounds like fun in there. Well, see ya kid. Send me a postcard. That's Mike Wazowski, care of 22 Mike Wazowsi-You-Got-Your-Life-Back-Lane.
Boo : Mowki Kowski.
Mike : Very good. Now bon voyage. See ya.
[waves a stick in front of Boo as if she were a dog]
Mike : Look at the stick. See the stick?
[throws the stick through the door]
Mike : Go get the stick. Go fetch.
-
Yeti : You wanna go to the village? Okay, rule number one out here: Always... no, Never go out in a blizzard.
Sulley : We need to get to Boo.
[a snowcone gets thrown at Sulley from off-screen. The Yeti points at Mike]
Mike : Boo? What about us?
[Throws another snowcone]
Mike : Ever since that kid came in, you've ignored everything I've said, and now look where we are!
[Throws another snowcone]
Mike : Oh, we were about to break the record, Sulley. We would've had it made!
Sulley : None of that matters now.
Mike : None of it matters?
[Drops the snowcone he was about to throw onto the floor]
Mike : Wa-wait a second. None of it matters? Oh, okay, that's - no. Good. Great. So now the truth comes out, doesn't it?
Yeti : Oh, would you look at that? We're out of snowcones. Let me... just go outside and make some more.
[Leaves]
Mike : Sulley, what about everything we ever worked for? Does that matter? Huh? What about Celia? I am never... never gonna see her again. Doesn't that matter? What about me? I'm your pal, I'm-I'm your best friend. Don't I matter?
Sulley : I'm sorry, Mike. I'm sorry we're stuck out here. I didn't mean all this to happen. But Boo's in trouble. I think there might be a way to save her if we can just get down to that...
Mike : We? Whoa, whoa. We? No. There's no we this time, pal. If-if-if you wanna go out there and freeze to death, you be my guest, because you're on your own.
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Sulley : Mike, this isn't Boo's door.
Mike : Boo? What's Boo?
Sulley : That's... what I decided to call her. Is there a problem?
Mike : Sulley, you're not supposed to name it. Once you name it, you start getting attached to it. Now put that thing back where it came from or so help me...
[pauses, realizing that they suddenly have the attention of the entire scare floor]
Mike : Oh, hey. We're rehearsing a - a scene for the upcoming company play called uh, Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me. It's a musical.
[singing]
Mike : Put that thing back where it came from or so help me... so help me, so help me and cut. We're still working on it, it's a work in progress but, hey, we need ushers.
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Yeti : Abominable. Can you believe that? Do I look abominable to you? Why can't they call me the Adorable Snowman, or the Agreeable Snowman, for crying out loud? I'm a nice guy. Snow cone?
Mike : Yuck.
Yeti : No, no, no, don't worry. It's lemon. How about you Big Fella? Snow cone?
Sulley : [Feeling sad after accidentally Scaring Boo at the Scare Simulator] Did you see the way she looked at me?
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Mike : Get out of here. You're ruining everything.
Sulley : I went back to get your paperwork and there was a door.
Mike : What? A door?
Sulley : Randall was in it.
Mike : Wait a minute, Randall? That cheater! He's trying to boost his numbers.
Sulley : There's something else.
Mike : What?
Sulley : Ook-lay in the ag-bay.
Mike : What?
Sulley : Look in the bag.
Mike : [the Bag Sulley carried over with Boo inside is missing] What bag?
-
Mike : Look at the big jerk. He ruined my life, and for what? A STUPID KID! Because of you, I am stuck in this frozen wasteland!
Yeti : Wasteland? I think you mean "Wonderland"! I mean, how about all this fabulous snow, huh? Oh, and wait until you see the local village, cutest thing in the world. I haven't mentioned all the free yak's milk.
Sulley : Wh... What did you say?
Yeti : Yak's milk. Milking a yak ain't exactly a picnic; but once you pick the hairs out, it's very nutritious.
Sulley : No, No. Something about a Village. Are there any Kids there?
Yeti : Oh, sure. Tough kids, sissy kids, kids who climb on rocks...
Sulley : Where is it?
Yeti : Bottom of the Mountain. A 3 Day hike from here.
Sulley : 3 Days? We need to get there NOW.
[Sulley bangs his fists against the wall in Frustration. A fallen icicle rolls over to a Toboggan and Lantern over in the corner, which could help him get down the mountain quickly]
-
Mike : Oh, you should have seen the look on Waternoose's face when that wall went up. Woo-hoo! I hope we get a copy of that tape. Hey, you all right? Come on, we did it. We got Boo home. Sure, we put the company in the toilet, and, gee, hundreds of people will be out of work now, not to mention the angry mob that'll come after us when there's no more power... but hey, at least we had a few laughs, right?
Sulley : [Having had an idea, from seeing what Boo's laughing could do] Laughs!
-
[Mike and Sulley, with the help of Waternoose, are preparing to send Boo home, but a huge metal door is brought out instead of Boo's]
Mike : Sir, that's not her door.
Henry J. Waternoose : I know, I know...
[Suddenly, Randal materializes in front of the door and opens it, which leads out to a Harsh Cold Environment]
Henry J. Waternoose : ...It's yours.
[Waternoose, holding Boo, pushes Mike and Sulley through the door]
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Celia : So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?
Mike : I-I just got us into a little place called, um... Harryhausen's.
Celia : Harryhausen's? But it's impossible to get a reservation there.
Mike : Not for Googlie Bear. I will see you at quitting time, and not a minute later.
Celia : Okay, sweetheart.
Mike : Think romantical thoughts.
[singing]
Mike : You and me, me and you, both of us together!
-
[Boo, in disguise, walks up to Mr. Waternoose]
Henry J. Waternoose : Well hello, little one. Where did you come from?
Sulley : Mr. Waternoose.
Henry J. Waternoose : Ah, James. Is this one yours?
Sulley : Ah, actually that's my uh, cousin's sister's daughter, sir.
Mike : Yeah, it's uh, "Bring an Obscure Relative to Work Day".
Henry J. Waternoose : Hmm, must have missed the memo.
-
[Boo's laugh made all the lights go out]
Sulley : What was that?
Mike Wazowski : I have no idea. But it would be a really good idea if it didn't do it again.
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Sulley : [Sulley and Mike have just been banished to the Himalayas on Earth - Sulley opens the door to find nothing beyond it] BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sulley : [Opens and closes door, pushes frame, nothing happens] No, no! No, no, no, no, NO!
Mike : It's too late! We're banished, genius! We're in the human world! Oh, what a great idea; goin' to your old pal Waternoose! Too bad he was in on the whole thing! All you hadda do, was listen to me, just once! But you didn't, did you?
[Sulley continues to fret in the doorway]
Mike : YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING!
[Mike jumps at Sulley in Frustration sending them down a hill. Then they get Company]
Yeti : Welcome to the Himalayas.
-
[Sulley's alarm clock clicks, and Mike impersonates the radio announcer]
Mike : Hey, good morning, Monstropolis. It's now five after the hour of 6:00 A.M. in the big monster city. Temperature's a balmy 65 degrees, which is good news for you reptiles, and it looks like it's gonna be a perfect day to maybe, hey, just lie in bed, sleep in, or simply... Work out that flab that's hanging over the bed! Get up, Sulley!
[honks a horn right in Sulley's face; Sulley wakes up and screams, then starts working out]
Sulley : I don't believe I ordered a wake-up call, Mikey.
Mike : Hey, less talk, more pain, marshmellow boy!
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Mike : Follow the sultry sound of my voice
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Mike : Hey, genius. Wanna know why I bought the car?
Sulley : Not really.
Mike : To drive it! You know, like on the street? With the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking involved?
Sulley : Wah, wah, wah. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.
Mike : I could use the exercise? Look at you. You have your own climate.
-
Needleman : Hey, Mr. Sullivan!
Sulley : Guys, I told you, call me Sulley.
Smitty : [Giggling] I don't think so.
Needleman : We just wanted to wish you good luck today.
Mike : Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, get lost, you two. You're making him lose his focus.
Needleman : Oh, sorry.
Sulley : See you later, fellas.
Smitty : Go get 'em, Mr. Sullivan!
Needleman : Quiet! You're making him lose his focus.
Smitty : Oh, no. Sorry!
Needleman : Shut up!
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Mike : You know, I am so romantic, sometimes I think I should just marry myself.
Sulley : Give me a break, Mike.
Mike : What a night of romance I got ahead of me. Tonight it's about me and Celia. Ooh, the Love Boat is about to set sail. Toot-toot! Cause I gotta tell you, buddy, that face of hers , it just makes my heart go...
[Sees Roz in front of him]
Mike : Yikes!
-
Mike : Come on, the coast is clear. Ok, all we have to do is get rid of that thing, so wait here while I get its cardkey.
Sulley : But she can't stay here this is the men's room.
[pause]
Mike : That is the weirdest thing you have ever said. Its fine, it's ok! Look, it loves it here, its dancing with joy!
[Boo needs to 'go' badly and is struggling to hold it in]
Mike : I'll be right back with its door key.
Sulley : [laughs] That's a cute little dance you got. Almost looks like you gotta - Oh.
-
[from teaser trailer]
Mike : Oh, that's great, blame it on the little guy. How original. He must've read the schedule wrong with his one eye.
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Mike : [while Sulley brushes teeth] C'mon, fight that plaque! Fight that plaque! Scary monsters don't have plaque!
-
[Mike and Sully have transported to Hawaii]
Mike : Why couldn't we have been banished here?
-
[Sully goes looking for Boo; Mike tries to talk him out of it]
Mike : Someone else will find the kid. I'll be their problem, not ours. She's out of our hair!
[they bump into an Invisible Randall]
Randall : [Turning Visible again] What are you two doing?
Monster : They're rehearsing a play.
Mike : [singing] She's out of our hair...!
-
[running from Randall in the door vault, Sulley and Mike's shadows appear behind a Japanese paper screen]
Mike : Come on, it slides, it slides!
-
[Sulley enters the Scare Simulator room with Mike and Boo in her costume, willing to ask for help which can send Boo home, forgetting Waternoose had been expecting him]
Sulley : Mr. Waternoose?
Henry J. Waternoose : James! You're just in time. OK Gentleman. It's time for you to see how scaring really works.
[Mike picks up Boo and walks away]
Sulley : But sir, I just wanted to ask...
[the lights go out, as if it's nighttime, and the Simulator Child goes to sleep]
Boo : [Excited to watch Sulley] Kitty!
Mike : No Boo. I wouldn't...
Henry J. Waternoose : Now, give us a a Great Big Roar.
Sulley : Sir, can I just...
Henry J. Waternoose : Roar!
Sulley : But sir...
Henry J. Waternoose : ROAR!
[Sulley without choice, lunges out at the Simulator Child and lets out a load roar, causing it to scream. Little did he know that Boo was standing close by, watching in horror]
Henry J. Waternoose : [Applauds] Well done James. Well done. Well Gentleman, I hope you've all learnt a valuable lesson...
[Sulley notices Boo run off crying, terrified from his roar]
-
Mike : [chanting] I don't know, but it's been said, I love scaring kids in bed!
-
Mike : Just think about a few names for a second: Bigfoot. Loch Ness. The Abominable Snowman. They all have one thing in common, pal: Banishment! We could be next!
-
[Celia is hanging on to Mike while Sulley is dragging him]
Celia : Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on right now, we are through! You hear me? Through!
Mike : Okay, here's the truth. You know that kid they're looking for? Sulley let her in. We tried to get her back, but Waternoose had a secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, and he's tring to kill us.
Celia : You expect me to believe that pack of lies, Mike Wazowski?
Boo : [peeking from Sulley's shoulder] Mike Wazowski!
[Celia screams and lets go]
-
Randall : So, how about this kid getting loose? Crazy, huh?
Sulley : Uh, yeah, crazy.
Randall : Word on the street is the kid has been traced to the factory. Know anything about that?
Sulley : Uh, no, uh...
Mike : No, no way. But if it was an inside job, I'd put my money on Waxford.
Randall : Waxford?
Mike : Yeah, works over in sector 6, he's got those shifty eyes.
Randall : Hey, Waxford!
-
[Mike and Sully are caught behind Boo's door]
CDA Agent : This is the CDA. Come out slowly with the child in plain sight.
Mike : [Steping out from behind the door with Boo's monster disguise costume] Okay, okay! You got us. Here we are, here's the kid. I'm cooperating. But before you take us away, I have one thing to say.
[Takes Boo's sock out of his mouth and throws it at the CDA agents]
Mike : Catch!
CDA Agent : [as the others jump over the guy who gets the sock] 23-19!
-
Sulley : The power's out. Make her laugh again.
Mike : All right, I got a move here, it'll bring down the house. Up!
[Does a backflip, lands on his crotch]
Sulley : Oh, sorry, she didn't see that.
Mike : What? What'd you do, forget to check if her stupid hood was up, you big dope?
Sulley : Uncle Mike, try not to yell in front of her. You know we still need her to laugh.
Mike : Right. He-he! Hey, Boo! Just kidding. Look!
[Slams the door on his face, making baby noises]
Mike : Funny, right? Huh? With the... These are the jokes, kid.
-
Mike : You're the boss! You're the boss! You're the big, hairy boss!
-
Mike : Hello, is this thing on? Hey, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Nice to be here in... your room. Hi, where are you from?
[kid doesn't answer]
Mike : You're in kindergarden, right? I used to love kindergarden. Best three years of my life.
[still no answer]
Mike : Of my life. But I love sports. Dodgeball was the best. I was the fastest one out there. Course, I was the ball. You see, I... was the ball. All right, kid.
[Mike swallows his microphone and after a few seconds burps it out louldy; kid laughs]
Mike : Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.
-
[Mike complains to Sulley about Randall]
Mike : One of these days I am really... gonna let you teach that guy a lesson.
-
Mike : On my desk, Sulley. The pink copies go to Accounting, the fuchshia ones go to Purchasing, and the goldenrod ones go to Roz. Leave the puce.
-
Mike : Scary feet, scary feet, scary feet, scary feet, oop! The kid's awake!
[Sulley ducks down]
Mike : Okay, scary feet, scary feet, scary feet, scary feet, kid's asleep!
[Sulley roars]
Mike : Twins! In a bunk bed!
[Sulley growls high, then low, then high then low again]
Mike : Darn I thought I had you with that one!
-
Sulley : [Hugging Boo, who wandered off with a Group of Little Monsters] Boo, I was so worried. Don't you ever run off like that again Young Lady.
Babysitter : Aww, what a nice father.
Sulley : Actually she's my Cousin's Sisters Daughter.
Baby Smitty : Mike Wazowski!
Mike : Hi there, shoo shoo.
[Smitty bites Mike's hand]
Mike : YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[Boo laughs at seeing that, which causes the Lights in the Hallway to go out, and the Little Monsters begin to scream in panic]
Sulley : Stop making Boo laugh!
Mike : I didn't!
-
[From the Teaser Trailer]
Mike : [Holding a Hula Hoop around him] Hey, guess which planet I am.
[Spins in Circles]
Sulley : [Walks to the door] I'm gonna go check on the Donuts.
Mike : [as Sulley closes the door] Don't you even get it, you big Fur Rug?
[Growling is heard]
Mike : Oh, nice doggy. Nice *Big* Doggie.
Mike : [Struggling to open the Closet Door] Sulley, open the door. Open the door.
[Mike yells, then Sulley opens it and pulls him back in in the nick of time]
-
Celia : [wearing a cone after being treated by the CDA] Last night was one of the worst nights of my entire life, bar none!
[the snakes on her hair, also wearing cones, pop out to hiss at Mike]
Celia : I thought you cared about me.
Mike : Honey, please. Schmoopsie, I thought you liked sushi.
Celia : Sushi? Sushi? You think this is about sushi?
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Mike : [Boo is holding onto Mike's Teddy Bear, after Sulley tossed it at her] OK, that's it, noone touches Little Mikey.
