- Leslie Nielsen: Billy, if the ball moves when you swing, then it costs you a stroke. But if only the Earth moves, then, according to all of the laws of physics, the Earth, which is also a ball, albeit a very large one, then the Earth is charged a one stroke penalty.
- Leslie Nielsen: There is no movement in golf that cannot be made more difficult through diligent study and practice.
- Leslie Nielsen: When a foursome is on the green, "Fore" is not an excuse, "So what?" is not an apology, and "Up yours" is not an explanation.
- Leslie Nielsen: Never take lessons from your father, never teach your wife to play golf, and never play your son for money.
- Leslie Nielsen: There are three key movements in golf: Keep your head down, keep your stupid head down, keep your damn stupid head down!
- Leslie Nielsen: Never mention in front of a club professional that you need a new set of clubs, and never buy a putter until you've first had a chance to throw it.
- Leslie Nielsen: [Leslie walks through a bathroom] Unless you're already bald, never use the comb in the blue fluid.
- Leslie Nielsen: [Billy is trying to hit his ball out of a sand trap] Billy, the reason the game is called "golf" is because all of the other four-letter words have been taken.
- Leslie Nielsen: A sure way to hit a par is to leave a four foot birdie putt two inches from the hole.
- Leslie Nielsen: When you stop your backswing at the top to look at the position of your hands, there are two things you learn: How many hands you have, and which hand has the glove on it.