Stark Raving Mad (1999–2000)
Tony Shalhoub: Ian Stark
Photos
Quotes
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Ian Stark : Hey, you're back! How was your sister's?
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller : Oh, it was great! Her kids are so adorable! I learned everything there is to know about Pokémon, and then on the bus ride home, I locked myself in the bathroom and tied my own tubes.
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[Tess ate some bad food at a diner]
Tess Farraday : I'm not putting anything in my mouth for a week!
Ian Stark : Have a nice night, Henry.
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Ian Stark : I just feel that names that end with "y" are weak, Henry.
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Ian Stark : I thought we ordered chicken wings.
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller : Wings are for when you're drunk. Soup is for when you're sick.
Jake Donovan : That's what my mom used to say. Boy, she loved her wings!
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Ian Stark : Where have you been? I just pretended to choke on an oyster for you, then Audrey ran over and gave me a Heimlich Maneuver - from the front!
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Ian Stark : Ya know, James Joyce was weird. Van Gogh was weird - Stravinsky was weird. You know, talent doesn't always come wrapped up in a nice, new, shiny, little box, Henry. Sometimes it's messy and organic and raw and you might just have to look a little deeper to find it.
Henry : And sometimes when it's messy and organic and raw, it's garbage!
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Henry : It doesn't have to be a pick-up thing. You just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a best-selling author..."
Ian Stark : "I'm so lonely and desperate that I talk to strangers in restaurants. Hopefully your life is bad enough to welcome this kind of weirdness, so how 'bout we get together and disappoint each other?"
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Ian Stark : How about this one? I don't have that goofy smile on my face.
Jake Donovan : I dunno. It looks a little scary for the back cover.
Ian Stark : It's a scary story!
Jake Donovan : Yeah, but you still want a photo which says 'buy this book'. This photo says 'buy this book or I'll kill the president'.
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Ian Stark : Good God, Henry! If you'd ever been in the army, your own men woulda held you down and dry-shaved you!
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Ian Stark : She was just lashing out at you for sleeping with Maddie, which she doesn't know you didn't really do. Wait... Yeah, that's right.