Bad Golf My Way (1994 Video)

Leslie Nielsen: Leslie Nielsen

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Quotes 

• Leslie Nielsen : A man of average stature with nothing but a cape, a sword, and a pair of cojones, fights and kills a huge, rampaging bull weighing half a ton. Now how is that possible? Of course it takes courage, daring bravado, but most of all it requires the ability to understand the nature of the beast you're dealing with. If you can see into his mind, it doesn't matter how big he is or how hard he charges. He will be putty in your hands. It's all a matter of knowing what makes your opponent tick.

• Leslie Nielsen : Bob, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, will you lend a helping hand?

  The Caddy : Putt breaks left to right.

  Brad : I don't know what the hell you're trying to pull, pal. I know this green, it breaks right to left.

  The Caddy : Sorry, left to right.

  Brad : Right to left!

  Leslie Nielsen : Brad, is that your right, or is it his? Because if it's your right, then you're right. But if it's his, then left to right is right, right? I mean, if you're standing this way, then it is your right, but if you're standing this way, then left to right is right, right, Brad?

• Leslie Nielsen : Did you know Louie the XIV, the king of France, never bathed in his entire lifetime? Can you imagine how he smelled?

• Leslie Nielsen : Pressure. How much can a player take before he breaks? Why do some golfers just snap like a twig, while others maintain a steely grip through thick and thin? Call it concentration. Call it discipline. Call it... Nagorno-Karabakh. It's the quality that separates winners from losers, and losers from their money.

• Leslie Nielsen : The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery. And only one secret has emerged, one swing of thought that always works. And that thought is: Don't think. But you can't just forget not to think. You must remember not to remember to think. And you must not remember that you forgot to remember. It's a lot not to think about, but even if you sometimes forget not to forget not to think about your swing, there are ways to help your opponent remember to think about his.

• Leslie Nielsen : To putt it hard, to putt it soft, that is the question. To roll the pallid sphere, not knowing where perchance it may repose. Oh, vile green that hath such breaks upon it! Why dost thou punish men with such deception? In, in, sweet sphere, and flights of angels, speed thee to thy hole. Thou crude and speckless blob of rubber stuff, how canst thou come so close and still not fall?

  Brad : Will you shut up?

• Leslie Nielsen : It has been said that a woman with a man is like a fish without a bicycle. So it must be said that roses are red and violets are blue, and I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

• Leslie Nielsen : Zen Buddhism, the ancient Japanese spiritual tradition, is filled with paradoxes, puzzles, contradictions. Does a tree that falls unnoticed in the forest make a noise? What is the sound of one hand clapping, or one mind snapping? The proud man of skill is defeated by the inspired ineptitude of the clown. Or, as the great 12th century poet, Sushi Toro says: "Toro moguro hamachi saki, uni onagi, yakitori sukiyaki." Translation: "Never give a sucker an even break."

• Leslie Nielsen : You know, in the 16th century, King Philip the 2nd of Spain was laying a siege to a sea port town, and his daughter, Isabella, swore that until the town fell, she would not change her underwear. It took three years for that town to fall. Can you imagine if she and "No Bath" Louis the 14th got together, what a dynamic duo they would've been?

• Brad : [Brad's ball went in the water]  I can't believe it. I can't believe it! I can't believe I hit my, GRRR! I hit it in the water!

  Leslie Nielsen : I can't believe I drove the green!

  [laughs] 

  Leslie Nielsen : And look, you almost, aww. Well, you'd have to be a very gifted golfer to get that ball out of there. I don't even think Jack Nicklaus could get that ball out.

  The Caddy : Would require monumental skill.

  Leslie Nielsen : Not just skill. It would take GENIUS. Now, you're a very gifted golfer yourself, Brad, but I don't think that you have the power to execute that shot. But, of course, if you can hit the ball and put it on the green, then go for the birdie and make it, then you might win the hole. But no, no, I think it would be impossible.

  Brad : Well, I don't know about that.

  Leslie Nielsen : If YOU can make THAT shot, that will go down as the greatest shot in golf history.

  Brad : Well get ready to see history made!

  [repeatedly swings at the water trap, not remotely coming close to touching the ball] 

• Leslie Nielsen : Well well, looks like you're first on. Yeah. That'll be another fiver.

  Brad : No, I'm first on, you owe ME the five.

  Leslie Nielsen : No no, no, the bet is you get as close to the green as you can, WITHOUT getting on. Then you chip inside of each other's ball. But if you get on the green, then you lose. Of course, the good golfer's always going for the birdie, and that's why he always loses this bet, you see. Really good for your short game.

• The Caddy : Time to apply the repellent.

  Leslie Nielsen : Great Scott, I forgot. This is the whole, isn't it? Yeah.

  [the Caddy sprays Leslie Nielsen] 

  Brad : What is that stuff?

  Leslie Nielsen : Dianastydethylene. You better go ahead and spray yourself, too. This is the only surefire protection against the Death's Head Tick.

  Brad : The what tick?

  Leslie Nielsen : The Death's- didn't you check the bulletin board back at the club? This is what they recommend. It's a small biting bug about the size of a period at the end of a sentence. Ioxides...

  The Caddy : Demeaney.

  Leslie Nielsen : Ioxides Demeaney. Under a microscope, the shape of its back is like a skull, which is why they call it the Death's Head Tick.

  Brad : Well isn't that great. They must have a wonderful time at Halloween!

  Leslie Nielsen : You don't have any repellent?

  Brad : No.

  Leslie Nielsen : Uh...?

  The Caddy : [shakes spray can]  Sorry, we're empty.

  Leslie Nielsen : We better skip the hole.

  Brad : Not on your life, pal. There's no way you're gonna be able to say this wasn't an official 18-hole match. You wanna quit, you forfeit the match, you lose the bet.

  Leslie Nielsen : Hey, look, look. You go right ahead. We're the ones who are protected, you're not.

  Brad : ...What happens when one of these things bites you?

  Leslie Nielsen : It's on the bulletin board back at the clubhouse: High fever, seizures, paralysis, gangrene, short term memory loss. They even suspect that the tick is a carrier of leprosy.

  [pause] 

  Leslie Nielsen : Just a minute, hold on. Now...

  [points to a tree] 

  Leslie Nielsen : Right up there, by that tall tree?

  Brad : Where?

  Leslie Nielsen : Just to the left of it. You see that little dark cloud? That's a tick swarm. Right up there.

  Brad : I don't see it.

  Leslie Nielsen : Just to the right hand side of the tall tree.

  [the Caddy sticks a leaf in Brad's ear] 

  Brad : Aah! Something...

  Leslie Nielsen : What is it?

  Brad : ...in the ear!

  The Caddy : [waving the leafy stick wildly]  There was a SWARM of them, right by his head!

  Brad : In my ear!

  Leslie Nielsen : That would be the worst place to get one of those ticks, in that ear canal.

  [to The Caddy] 

  Leslie Nielsen : Are you sure?

  The Caddy : Positive.

  Leslie Nielsen : Well that, that does it. We'll skip the hole.

  Brad : Oh no, you don't. I'll... tee off from the blues.

• Leslie Nielsen : You call ahead about the mongoose?

  The Caddy : Yeah, it'll be waiting for us at the green. We can feed it then.

  Leslie Nielsen : Well, we BETTER. We shoulda fed it an hour ago! I hope nobody's fiddling with that cage. You remember what happened in Florida.

  The Caddy : Oh yeah.

  [to Brad] 

  The Caddy : There was BLOOD all over.

  Brad : [skeptical]  Mongoose?

  Leslie Nielsen : Yeah, fastest animal in the world. We use it to kill snakes. Like a cross between a Tasmanian Devil and a wolverine. You know about a wolverine: It'll take food from a lion. It's got jaws on it like a hyena, it can crush bone. It goes straight for the jugular vein all the time, it's so fast. They call it the "merciful killer". They're SO fast, that it's over before you know what hit you.

• Leslie Nielsen : [to crowd that's gathered around the mongoose cage]  Now look, I'd rather you weren't here, but if you want to watch, then stay back, and keep quiet. This is the fastest animal in the world. They use it for killing snakes. And this is a very dangerous time, this is feeding time. And he's hungry.

  [to The Caddy] 

  Leslie Nielsen : Got the meat?

  [the Caddy hands him a huge chunk of meat on a stick. The mongoose hisses] 

  Leslie Nielsen : If he should get out, just turn and run as fast as you can. This is fifteen pounds of beef. Got a bone in it. If he's hungry, he'll go through this is fifteen seconds. INCLUDING the bone. They don't call him the "Prairie Piranha" for nothing.