- Harold Asailian Jr: Carmichael Astune's greatest triumph as a director came at the helm of such period epics as, "Spartacum" and "Pilgrim Poontang."
- Rich Longfellow: To be or not to be? That is the question.
- [He breaks from Hamlet and turns to the camera]
- Rich Longfellow: Shakespeare! A goddamn genius!
- Lee Fernandez: What I want you to do, Rich, is look at her breasts when you say that line.
- Rich Longfellow: But in Michael Caine's acting video, he said you should pick one eye of the other actor and concentrate only on that. If you pick just one eye, not both of them, but just one eye, then you're more focused and you don't seem shifty or nervous.
- Lee Fernandez: Michael who? Look, I don't give a shit about that. In this scene, you're horny and I want you to look at her tits!
- Lucy "Lace" Liebowitz: Maybe you should just pick one, then your eyes won't shift.
- Rod Blank: Capturing the essence of the culture you're doing is extremely important. For example, French passion my go something like this, "ohhhhh"; where as in Germany, it's like this, "ohhhhh".
- Harold Asailian, Jr.: So then sub-titles would be out of the question?
- Rod Blank: Lovemaking is an international language. It doesn't need sub-titles!
- Lee Fernandez: I went into the men's room to use the urinal. I noticed this kid next to me. I could tell right away he was talented. So I started talking to him. I come to find out he's a young actor looking for experience. Let me tell you about Rich Longfellow. He's got that special something that makes him stand out in this business.
- Lee Fernandez: Right now we're working on something that's selling like hotcakes. It's called, "America's Homemade Sex Videos."
- Harold Asailian, Jr.: What's that?
- Lee Fernandez: They're amateur sex movies that are made at home by everyday people on their home video cameras. They're very popular.
- Harold Asailian, Jr.: Didn't you say they were supposed to be made by amateurs... by average people?
- Lee Fernandez: Who'll know the difference? Besides, we're average people, too. It'll look very realistic. Nobody will know the difference.
- Alice Bine: As you well know, light is part of the visible electromagnetic scale. There are also lights that are part of the invisible electromagnetic spectrum, such as infrared and ultra violet light, which I seldom use because no one can see them.
- Lucy "Lace" Liebowitz: When I was young, I said, "I have to lose my virginity." So I did. Then I thought, "I wanna have an orgasm." So I accomplished that. Then I figured, "What's next? Multiple orgasms!" And I did it. Incredible! But then I wondered what could top all that. Now I've got my family, and it's beautiful. There's never a dull moment.
- Harold Asailian, Jr.: Lucy said this might be your last film for awhile. How come?
- Misty Flavors: I'm going to have a baby!
- Harold Asailian, Jr.: Really? Congratulations!
- Misty Flavors: This time I'm going to keep.
- Mike: So which one of the actors got you pregnant!
- Misty Flavors: What?
- Mike: Which one of the studs is going to be a dad?
- Misty Flavors: Shut up, you asshole! What I do on the set is work. This child is a result of love.
- Harold Asailian, Jr.: My father was temporarily called away to work on a project for the National Geographic, where, in Mozambique, he was trampled to death by a herd of migrating wildebeest.
- Lee Fernandez: We discussed it, and I've decided that you've got the part! I'll have the contracts drawn up tomorrow.
- Rich Longfellow: I can't believe it! I'm going to be in "Aristotle and His Horny Time Travels!" Thank you!
- Harold Asailian, Jr.: When we first met, you told me you had a "career plan". Could you talk about that now?
- Rich Longfellow: Sure. I figure I'll do a couple more adult videos. Then I'll do some major movies here in Hollywood. Then I figure in about six months, Shakespeare at the Old Globe in London, England!
- Harold Asailian, Jr.: Rich landed the lead in Hamlet, and the company was soon touring the senior citizen recreation centers throughout the greater San Fernando Valley.