- Fu Manchu: [to Captain Kidd] I am the man called Fu Manchu. I am a greater menace than than you. I kill just to have something to do. Some fun, eh, Kidd?
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: Officer, would you think to look at me that I'm the greatest menace of them all?
- Police Officer: Yes.
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: Aw, now wait a minute. It's not my fault. I didn't know they were human.
- Police Officer: Don't worry, the judge isn't.
- preface: This is the tale of a man who imbibed not wisely - but far too well from a bottle that contained a potent brew. He'll never forget the sights that he saw in his inebriated spell. Don't laugh! - It could happen to you - or you - or you!
- [first lines]
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: [drunkenly singing 'I'm Always Chasing Rainbows' as he stumbles down the basement stairs by wear the window dressers are at work] I'm always chasing rainbows, doo doo doo doo-doo doo...
- Mannequin Dresser: That's Joe, drunk again.
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: ...I'm always chasing rainbows,
- [stumbles into a male mannequin]
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: oh, look out, look out - don't make a pass at me.
- Mannequin Dresser: I'm gonna put a stop to that once and for all.
- [approaches Joe and taps him on the shoulder with a mannequin arm]
- Mannequin Dresser: Hey menace... how'd ya like to have somebody jerk your arm off?
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: Haha, he couldn't take it. Haha.
- [offering his bottle of liquor]
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: Have a nip? Aged in cellophane.
- Mannequin Dresser: Thanks, but I never drink when I'm working...
- [points to a mannequin]
- Mannequin Dresser: uh, Shirley would object.
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: Haha, I'm not that drunk. Haha, that's a dummy.
- Mannequin Dresser: Shh, if she hears you she'll be very insulted.
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: You guys act like ya think they were human.
- Mannequin Dresser: Were? Why, they are human! Why, if you only understood them, you'd realize they have feelings too - just the same as you have.
- Mannequin Dresser: And they're just as smart.
- Mannequin Dresser: [Approaches 'Shirley'] Ahem, Madame, you have an appointment in window two.
- [applies fake tears to her face]
- Mannequin Dresser: Aww look, she's cryin'.
- Mannequin Dresser: It breaks her heart to leave her boyfriend, but that's alright honey; I'll place him in the window next to yours.
- [they exit the room with the mannequin couple]
- Joe - the Inebriated Custodian: [approaches another male mannequin and briefly examines him, realizing that he's facing/looking at another female mannequin in a negligee] Huh, maybe you are a human after all.
- [the scene fades out]
- singing female mannequin trio: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, do-da do da, da-da da-da da-da da... / We may be dummies but we're not mummies. We're always / hummin' - hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm. And / though our emotions are made of wax, / we can always get a thrill runnin' up and down our backs / when that awning music from next door / comes to brighten up our lonely store in / tempo - tempo - tempo, tempo, presto chango! / Overture...