Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000 Video)
Mark Hamill: The Joker
Photos
Quotes
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The Joker : [Batman puts the Joker in an arm lock] What are you doing?
Terry McGinnis : Fighting dirty.
The Joker : The real Batman would never -
[as Batman tightens his arm lock]
The Joker : Ooh!
Terry McGinnis : Told you you didn't know me.
[releases him]
The Joker : Funny guy...
Terry McGinnis : Can't say the same for you.
The Joker : Impudent brat... who do you think you're talking to?
Terry McGinnis : Not a comedian, I'll tell you that.
The Joker : [draws a laser pistol] Shut your mouth!
[fires at Batman]
Terry McGinnis : [retreats into the rafters] The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him.
[tossing a batarang, knocking the pistol out of the Joker's hand]
The Joker : Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
Terry McGinnis : Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out.
[hits the lights with a batarang, plunging the room into darkness]
Terry McGinnis : The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
The Joker : I'm not hearing this...
Terry McGinnis : Get a clue, clownie! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape... not that you ever had a good joke.
The Joker : Shut up... shut up!
Terry McGinnis : I mean, joy-buzzers, squirting flowers, lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
The Joker : Show yourself!
Terry McGinnis : You make me laugh. But only 'cause I think you're kinda pathetic.
[mimics the Joker's laugh]
The Joker : Stop that!
Terry McGinnis : [still laughing] So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What? You couldn't get a job as a rodeo clown?
[continues laughing]
The Joker : [pulling out some grenades] Don't you dare laugh at me!...
Terry McGinnis : [laughs some more] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
[continues laughing]
The Joker : [screaming in a fit of rage] YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!
[throws the grenades, knocking Terry out of the rafters and onto the ground]
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The Joker : What's the matter, Batman? No witty comeback? No threat? Then I'll provide the narration...
[the screen flickers to life and the words "Our Home Movies" appear]
The Joker : I'll begin with how I peeled back the layers of the boy's mind. Oh, he bravely tried to fight it at first. You would've been proud to see him so strong.
[on the screen, the home video of the Joker torturing Robin appears]
The Joker : But all too soon, the shocks and the serums took their toll, and the boy began to share such secrets with me. Secrets that are mine alone to know... Bruce. It's true, Batsy! I know everything. And kinda like the kid who peeks at his Christmas presents, I must admit, it's sadly anti-climactic. Behind all the sturm and bat-o-rangs, you're just a little boy in a play suit, crying for Mommy and Daddy! It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic.
[pause]
The Joker : Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway. HA HA HA HA HA HAA!
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The Joker : Ah, brave new world, that has such putzes in it.
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The Joker : Ah, the new boy. Ears are too long and I miss the cape. But not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.
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[Batman tosses the Joker out of the projection booth and slams him against a large building block]
Batman : I'll break you in two...
The Joker : Oh, Batman, if you'd had the guts for that kind of fun, you'd have done it years ago! I, on the other hand...
[draws a switchblade, slashes Batman across the chest and stabs him in the leg. Batman falls down the pile of building blocks and hits the ground hard. The Joker jumps down beside him]
The Joker : You've lost, Batman. Robin is mine. The last sound you'll hear will be our laughter.
[picks up the gun and tosses it to Robin]
The Joker : Here you go, Sonny-boy! Make Daddy proud! Deliver the punchline.
[Robin giggles; he pulls the trigger and the BANG flag pops out]
Batman : Tim...
[Robin only continues to giggle]
The Joker : Do it!
[Robin turns and shoots the Joker, impaling him with the flag]
The Joker : That's not funny... that's not...
[dies]
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The Joker : You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away. New Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested and I'm ready to give this old town a wedgie again!
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The Joker : [to Batman] If you don't like the movie, I've got slides.
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Terry McGinnis/Batman : Where's the Joker?
Timothy Drake : Joker?
Terry McGinnis/Batman : Drop the act. I know you're working for him.
Timothy Drake : No. Joker's gone. I don't know where he is. Really.
Bruce Wayne : The suit's sensors aren't picking up any pulse fluctuations. He's telling the truth.
Timothy Drake : I don't do this anymore. I have a home and family. I gave this up years ago. Kid's stuff. That's all it was.
Terry McGinnis/Batman : He may be telling the truth, but he's still whack.
Timothy Drake : Fun and games. Boy Wonder playing hero. Fighting off bad guys and no one ever gets... oh God. I killed him. I didn't mean to. I tried so hard to forget. But I still hear the shot. Still see the dead smile. Every night, the dreams get stronger... he's there when I sleep. Whispering! Laughing! Telling me that I'm as bad as he is! We're both the same!
Terry McGinnis/Batman : I'm calling an ambulance.
Timothy Drake : No. I'm all right. Forgive me, Terry, old nasty memories twist inside me like bad oysters. Nothing, really. I'm perfectly fine now.
Terry McGinnis/Batman : How do you know my name?
Timothy Drake : There's nothing about you I don't know, Bat-fake.
[throws the steel ball he is holding, which turns into an electric claw and grabs Terry by the arm, Terry collapses to the ground, immobilized]
Bruce Wayne : Terry!
Timothy Drake : Have a time out, kid. Can't let you spoil the party too soon. And Brucie, I'm sure you've got Batboy wired somehow. That's just peachy. Because I want you to see every minute of this. It's a killer.
[laughs hysterically, holding his head, and after a while, becomes the Joker]
The Joker : [takes off the lab coat, showing the purple tights underneath] Oh, I never get tired of doing that!
Terry McGinnis/Batman : Drake, you're the Joker?
The Joker : That flabby oaf doesn't realize I'm using him as a time share. Beneath this puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius years ahead of my time. In the weeks young Robin was under my tutelage, I used him as the subject of my greatest experiment. Using cutting-edge genetics technology which I pinched here and there, I encoded my DNA in a microchip and set it in Bird Boy's bird brain.
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The Joker : [to Batman] You're welcome to try and stop us, but, heh-heh, I'm not taking bets on *that* happening any time soon... Toodles!
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The Joker : Bonk?... Oh, right! Dead.
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Batman : Where's Robin?
The Joker : [playing dumb] Robin? There's no Robin here.
Harley Quinn : Maybe he means our little Jay.
The Joker : Of course! That's it!
[seeing him indicate a nearby curtain, Batman heads towards it]
Harley Quinn : Uh-uh. No peeking.
[pulling a bazooka out from under the table; she fires it and snares him in cable restraints]
Harley Quinn : [patting it affectionately] Mommy's little helper.
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Barbara Gordon : I thought talking about it would get easier over time, but some hurts never go away. Dick Grayson - Nightwing - had left to establish himself in another city. There were three of us then: Bruce, myself, and Robin; Tim Drake. Robin was out alone that night when he came upon a woman in trouble.
Harley Quinn : Help! Help! Somebody, please help!
Robin : Hero time.
[firing his grappling gun, he swoops in and takes down two thugs]
Robin : That evens things up a little.
Harley Quinn : [revealing herself, hitting him with a mallet] Not really, Bird Boy.
The Joker : [entering, laughing] A bird in the hand...
Barbara Gordon : We soon realized Tim was missing. Night after night, we scoured the city, running down every lead, pressing every underworld connection. But no one had seen any sign of Robin. For three agonizing weeks, there was nothing. Then one night, we were sent an invitation.
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The Joker : You know, Bats, we've been doing this little runaround of ours for years. It's been loads of laughs, but the sad fact is, none of us are getting any younger.
Harley Quinn : That old clock's a-tickin'.
The Joker : Quite right, Pooh. And Harley and I were thinking it was time to start a family. Add a Joker Jr. to our merry brood.
Harley Quinn : But rather than go through all the joy of childbirth, we decided to adopt.
The Joker : We couldn't do it legally, but then we remembered you always had a few spare kids hanging around... so we borrowed one.
Batman : [they draw the curtain open] No.
Batgirl : [looking out from her hiding place] My God.
The Joker : He needed a little molding, of course. What kid doesn't? But in time, we came to love him as our own. Say hello, J.J.
[Robin, dressed as a minature version of the Joker, giggles hysterically]
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The Joker : Adios, Brucie. I guess I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is, I really did hate your guts.
[blows raspberries at Batman]
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Jordan Price : You! Where's Amy?
Dee Dee : Missed the boat, I'm afraid!
[Price looks out the window and sees Amy bound to a pole]
Jordan Price : Turn the yacht around!
Chucko : Detox, boss man. We're here to talk business.
Ghoul : We'll be quick. Woof gets seasick easy.
[Woof walks in front of Ghoul, looking nauseous]
Jordan Price : Our business is concluded.
[Batman flies to the window of the yacht and puts his finger on it to listen in]
Jordan Price : I gave you the security codes so you could ransack the lab while those bunglers tried to kill Wayne.
Chucko : Word is Wayne's terminal anyhow.
Dee Dee : That means you get to stay top dog.
Dee Dee : And everyone's happy.
Jordan Price : So why are you here?
Chucko : The big guy who put us all in contact has decided you're a loose end.
Ghoul : And loose ends should be tied up.
Ghoul : [Jordan Price, seeing that they want to kill him, heads for the door, Woof gets in the way and sends Jordan Price to the opposite wall with a jump kick. Ghoul then handcuffs him to a table]
[through an intercom]
Ghoul : Got him!
The Joker : Then amscray pronto, kiddies.
[pushes a button on a control panel and you see a 30-second timer show on the panel]
The Joker : Things are going to start popping.
Chucko : Let's go!
Terry McGinnis/Batman : [Batman breaks in through a window] No one's leaving until I get answers.
Chucko : [Ghoul breaks open another window with his pumpkin. Woof growls and prepares to attack, but Chucko stops him by giving him a light tug on the ear] No, you idiot, not now!
[they all jump out the window with Batman peering out and seeing them leaving on hover cars; he is about to chase them when he sees a blue light appear from above. He runs back into the room]
Jordan Price : They're getting away!
[Batman breaks the handcuffs]
Terry McGinnis/Batman : Yeah, and I think they've got a good reason!
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Bonk : He's got us running around, ripping a bunch of geek junk, but no cash! He won't tell us what his plan is, if he even has one! I-want-out!
The Joker : If you insist.
[he raises a gun; the Jokerz gasp]
Bonk : Hey, man, take it easy... I-I was just kiddin'!
[the Joker pulls the trigger, and everyone jumps in shock. A BANG flag comes out of the gun]
The Joker : That's funny! So was I!
[he chuckles, and all of the Jokerz let out a sigh of relief. As Bonk relaxes, the Joker pulls the trigger again, and the flag pole shoots out of the gun, impaling Bonk in the forehead and poisoning him with Joker venom]
The Joker : Oops! No, I wasn't! That's *also* how we did it my day!
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The Joker : [the guidance system of the satellite is out of control] Oh, good! The beam's headed here! Now we'll have to start all over again. Thanks for wrecking everything, kid. See ya 'round.
[begins to walk away]
Terry McGinnis : Hold it!
[grabs the Joker]
The Joker : Oh, wise up, Junior. GAME'S OVER!
Terry McGinnis : I'm taking you in!
The Joker : [laughs] Right!
-
Ms. Carr : Today, Gotham billionaire Bruce Wayne stunned the financial world with his plans to resume active leadership of Wayne Enterprises. While shareholders have generally welcomed Wayne's return, support from some key members of the Wayne board has been oddly lukewarm. Company operations manager Jordan Price offered this comment.
Jordan Price : I, of course, join the rest of our Wayne Enterprises family in welcoming back our most valuable senior resource, Bruce Wayne. I'm sure we'll all profit from his years of experience. Still, the day-to-day rigors of running of a vast, multinational conglomerate would be stressful even for a young man. I hope Mr. Wayne is up to the challenge.
Terry McGinnis : [watching on TV] He's not bitter. Much.
Bruce Wayne : Price was next in line for the top spot. My return torpedoed any dreams he had of succession.
Terry McGinnis : You gonna keep him around?
Bruce Wayne : If he'll stay on my terms. I've worked long and hard to regain control of my family's company, and I won't hand it over again. Price can either get with that program or start e-mailing his résumé.
Terry McGinnis : With all the long hours you're planning on putting in at the office, does this mean you'll have less time for...
Bruce Wayne : [Terry sets his backpack with the Batsuit inside on a chair] Who sleeps anymore?
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The Joker : Your renewed faith puts a smile in my heart. What say we forget tonight's mishap and start over?
Chucko : Great, boss.
The Joker : Ghoul, my boy, we're going to need another systems scanner. Who's got one they'd be willing to donate?
Ghoul : Checking. What we're after is cutting-edge. These are the only other places we'd find one.
The Joker : [running down the list] Hmm... nope. Uh-uh. Nope. Ah!
Ghoul : What, there? Security's gonna be tight.
The Joker : Oh, yes, but think of the fun.
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The Joker : So, where should I make Ground Zero? Gotham General, where our hero's dear little Dana is recuperating? Or here, in the happy garden of Mrs. Mary McGinnis? I always think it adds resonance to a hero's mission to have some defining element of tragedy in his background, don't you? Ahh! But the one and only kickoff point must be stately Wayne Manor. Gone in a flash before Brucie can hobble to safety or mount a rescue. Don't worry, though. I'll be hitting those other spots soon enough.
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The Joker : Aren't you the nasty tattletale! Ratting me out before I've had my fun... Poppa spank!
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The Joker : [pulls off Terry's mask and begins choking him] HA HA HA! Come on, McGinnis! Laugh it up now, you miserable little punk! LAUGH!
[puts his face close to his]
The Joker : I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Terry McGinnis : Ha... ha...
[reaches his hand, holding one of the Joker's electric hand buzzers, to the back of his neck and electrocutes him]
The Joker : GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
[a close-up of the DNA microchip in the Joker's neck breaking apart is briefly seen]
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The Joker : You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peaks.
Terry McGinnis : Maybe, but you don't know a thing about me.
The Joker : You? What's to know? You're a punk, a rank amateur, a costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man.
[rolls up his sleeves]
The Joker : Still, if it's a whuppin' you're a-wantin'...
[Batman runs towards the factory door]
The Joker : That's right. Better to run and save yourself. It's about your speed.
Terry McGinnis : [Batman pushes the lever upwards to close the door and then breaks off the lever and turns to face the Joker] Let's dance, Bozo.
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[the Joker detonates a bomb, destroying a balcony and letting two bystanders dangle. As they yell for help, the Joker pops into his escape vehicle]
The Joker : Well, what's it gonna be, Bat-fake?
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The Joker : This is one of Uncle Sam's orbiting defense satellites. Hyperion-class, laser armed. Handy little gadget for shooting down unfriendly missiles, or giving somebody a world-class hotfoot!
[a simulation of the satellite firing down on Gotham appears]
The Joker : Think of it as urban tagging on a grand scale, reminding all and sundry that *this* is Joker territory!
