Gilmore Girls (2000–2007)

Kelly Bishop: Emily Gilmore

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Quotes 

• [Lorelai answers her cell phone] 

  Lorelai : Hello?

  Emily : You get over here right now!

  Lorelai : Who is this?

  Emily : This is you in twenty years! "Who is this?", I swear!

• Emily : You were on the phone?

  Richard : Long distance.

  Lorelai : God?

  Richard : London.

  Lorelai : God lives in London?

  Richard : My mother lives in London.

  Lorelai : Your mother is God?

  Richard : Lorelai...

  Lorelai : So, God *is* a woman.

  Richard : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.

  Richard : Make her stop.

  Rory : Oh, that I could.

• Lorelai : Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.

  Rory : Hmm.

  Lorelai : I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.

  Emily : Oh dear God.

  Lorelai : "Poodle" is another funny word.

  Emily : Please drink your drink, Lorelai.

  Lorelai : In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."

  Rory : Hehe.

  Lorelai : So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:

  Rory : Oy with the poodles already.

  Lorelai : I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.

• Emily : I *just* found out that Sookie is pregnant.

  Lorelai : Uh huh...

  [Emily stares in disbelief] 

  Lorelai : Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.

• Emily : Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening, and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past, but I want to make this very clear: you, young lady, your person and your existence, have never ever been, not even for a second, included in that list. Do you understand me?

• Lorelai : This is amazing chicken, Mom. I mean it, really great.

  Emily : Thank you, Lorelai.

  Lorelai : It's like super chicken. I bet it could fly. Have you tried tossing it out the window?

• [Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk] 

  Miss Patty : So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.

  Emily : It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?

  Lorelai : Ab fab, sweetie darling.

  Emily : Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?

  Gypsy : Please make your mother stop talking to me.

  Lorelai : If only I had that power.

• Emily : Obviously you have a maid.

  Christopher : Yes, I have a maid-nanny combo.

  Emily : Ah, how McDonald's of you.

• Lorelai : Hey Mom. You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?

  Emily : Could you be any cruder?

  Lorelai : Yeah, I can be cruder. Hey mom, did you get la...

  Rory : Thanks for coming. It was fun. Is everything okay?

• Emily : I did not steal your father, I simply gave him a choice.

  Richard : When you came to my fraternity in that blue dress, I had no choice.

  Lorelai : You stole my father with fashion.

  Emily : I can't believe you remember the dress.

  Lorelai : I can't believe you were the other woman.

• Emily : What is that?

  Lorelai : It's a paper clip.

  Emily : And what do you intend to do with that paper clip?

  Lorelai : I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door.

  Emily : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : What rhymes with Nantucket?

• [Lorelai swallows several pills] 

  Emily : What are you taking?

  Lorelai : Rufies?

  Rory : Aspirin.

• [Emily has purchased a very small "panic room"] 

  Lorelai : Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you.

  [makes claws with her hands] 

  Emily : [annoyed]  Oh, my God.

  Lorelai : [attempting to be scary]  You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!

  Emily : Stop it.

  Lorelai : I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on.

• [Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in] 

  Lorelai : Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.

  Rory : Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.

  Lorelai : Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.

  Rory : Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.

  Lorelai : [dialing on her cell phone]  Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it.

  [on phone] 

  Lorelai : Hey Mom!

  Emily : Well, hello.

  Lorelai : So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?

  Emily : No, she did not.

  Lorelai : Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.

  Emily : Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.

  Lorelai : Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.

  Emily : Well, good for you.

  Lorelai : Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.

  Emily : Excuse me?

  Lorelai : Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.

  Emily : Lorelai, you can't be serious.

  Lorelai : Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.

  Emily : This is ridiculous.

  Lorelai : Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?

  Emily : All right.

  Lorelai : Start measuring.

  [hangs up] 

  Rory : You feel better now?

  Lorelai : Waffle's very happy.

• [Emily's friend 'Sweetie' has just passed away] 

  Lorelai : Was that her real name - Sweetie?

  Emily : No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname.

  Lorelai : Why?

  Emily : What do you mean, why?

  Lorelai : I mean, how did they get Sweetie from Melinda?

  Emily : They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname.

  Lorelai : Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.

  Emily : She was sweet. That's the story.

  Lorelai : Okay.

  Emily : She had a very sweet nature.

  Lorelai : Hmm.

  Emily : Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?

  Lorelai : No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story.

  Emily : No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?

  Lorelai : Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's...

  Emily : All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man - so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that?

  Lorelai : Now, that was a pretty good story.

• Emily : Champagne, anyone?

  Lorelai : Oh, that's fancy.

  Emily : Well it's not every day I have my girls here for dinner on a day the banks are open.

• Lorelai : Independence Inn.

  Emily : You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.

  Lorelai : Sorry. Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?

• Emily : You brought us used dessert?

  Lorelai : It's not used. It's leftover.

  Emily : How nice. I'll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer.

• Rory : Grandma, I can't believe you found the recipe for Beefaroni.

  Emily : It wasn't easy. Antonia thought I'd gone insane.

  Lorelai : Well...

  Emily : No one needs a comment from you.

• [Emily and Richard have split up] 

  Emily : At some point you have to face facts, and the facts are, he's moved on. And therefore I should move on also.

  Lorelai : Absolutely. MoveOn.org.

  Emily : [pause]  I think it's time for me to date.

  Lorelai : [chokes on her drink]  Oh, my God.

  Emily : I want to go on a date.

  Lorelai : With - a *man*?

  Emily : No, a weasel. Of course, a man!

  Lorelai : I'm not hearing this.

  Emily : Well, why shouldn't I date? I'm still a viable commodity.

  Lorelai : I need a paper towel and a Valium, please.

  Emily : There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past, have made their interest in me known, I just need to figure out how to reciprocate their feelings. You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available?

  Lorelai : Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.

  Emily : Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure! Now take me through this step-by-step. You see a man, you walk up to him and you say...

  Lorelai : ...Hello.

  Emily : Is that too forward?

  Lorelai : No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.

  [Emily glares] 

• Emily : I'm sure he would have appreciated having his life's work honored like that.

  Luke : He would've called me a damn fool.

  Emily : Oh.

• Emily : I guess it must be present time.

  Rory : You didn't have to.

  Lorelai : Oh yeah, Mom, you didn't have to. Unless you got something that'll fit me too, in which case, good going.

• Richard : Lorelai, this is just beautiful. It's like something out of Architectural Digest. You should be very proud.

  Lorelai : Thanks Dad.

  Emily : Your dress needs pressing.

  Lorelai : Thanks Mom.

• Emily : You know, some men retire.

  Richard : Yes, and some men tattoo their mother's names on their biceps.

  Emily : I don't think the two are necessarily linked.

• Natalie : [to Lorelai]  You have your mother's wit.

  Emily : Sometimes I wish she'd give it back.

• Emily : I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.

  Lorelai : No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.

  Emily : Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.

• Emily : What can we do in a bathroom?

  Lorelai : Meet George Michael.

  Emily : What?

• Richard : His head is shaped like a football.

  Emily : It is not.

  Richard : If he fell asleep in the park, someone would try to punt him.

• Emily : Lorelai, you almost ran me over.

  Lorelai : Well, good thing we're in a hospital.

• [on Emily's panic room] 

  Emily : It'll stop a 9-millimeter shell.

  Lorelai : Handy for when Suge Knight comes for tea.

• Emily : [Emily is trying on clothes]  Look at the red pantsuit.

  Lorelai : [Lorelai looks at it]  Nice.

  Emily : Nice?

  Lorelai : Nice... and red... and pantsuity.

• Emily : Focus the picture Lorelai.

  Lorelai : It is focused.

  Rory : That's how it came out.

  Emily : It's hurting my eyes.

  Lorelai : Come on Mom, they're supposed to be a little arty.

  Rory : Plus she doesn't know how to use her camera.

  Lorelai : I've only had it six years.

  Emily : It's like I have glaucoma.

• Lorelai : Okay, I'm just gonna let everyone deal with all this because I need to relax and get a cup of coffee and maybe hammer a nail into my head.

  Emily : You're not needed here, Lorelai. Go get your coffee, relax. You're going to redo your makeup later, aren't you?

  Lorelai : Maybe an Irish coffee.

• Emily : When a woman gives birth to a crack baby you do not buy her a puppy.

• Emily : You have the word "Juicy" on your rear end.

  Lorelai : Well, if I knew you were coming over, I would've changed.

  Emily : Into what? A brassiere with the word "Tasty" on it?

• Emily : I'm sorry. You were on the phone?

  Richard : Long distance.

  Lorelai : God?

  Richard : London.

  Lorelai : God lives in London?

  Richard : My mother lives in London.

  Lorelai : Your mother is God?

  Richard : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : So, God *is* a woman.

  Richard : Lorelai.

  Lorelai : *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.

  Richard : Make her stop.

  Rory : Oh, that I could.

• Lorelai : Please do not tell me that you are sitting right in front of me.

  Emily : No, it's a hologram. Life like, isn't it?

• Emily : I'm surprised you can eat at this point, even salad.

  Rory : There's still room.

  Lorelai : And if there isn't room, we'll add on. I know a good contractor.

  Claude : She's like your Jerry Lewis. She's very, very funny.

• Emily : Oh my God. There was a bench here.

  Richard : They moved it last year.

  Emily : I can't believe this.

  Lorelai : Me either. What if we wanted to sit down?

• Emily : Walk as you babble please.

• Emily : You're having a baby - do you know that, Lorelai?

  Lorelai : Well, that explains the stomachache.

• Emily : You have a gentleman friend of significance.

  Lorelai : [in a Southern accent]  Rhett is my gentleman friend, yes.

• Emily : Well, I had this wonderful idea. Christopher's parents are in town too. You remember Straub and Francine don't you?

  Lorelai : Ah yes - the Schnickelfritzes.

  Emily : The who?

  Lorelai : The Hayden's.