George Carlin: Doin' It Again (1990 TV Special)

George Carlin: Self

Quotes 

• [about feminists] 

  George Carlin : When it comes to changing the language, I think they make some good points. Because we do think in language. And so the quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson." I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson." I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. They want me to call that thing in the street a "personhole cover." I think that's taking it a little bit too far!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : What would you call a ladies' man, a "person's person"? That would make a he-man an "it-person." Little kids would be afraid of the "boogie-person." They'd look up in the sky and see the "person in the moon." Guys would say "come back here and fight like a person," and we'd all sing "For It's a Jolly Good Person," that's the kind of thing you would hear on "Late Night with David Letterperson"! You know what I mean?

  [laughter and applause] 

• George Carlin : I don't like words that hide the truth. I don't like words that conceal reality. I don't like euphemisms, or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms. Because Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth. So they invent the kind of a soft language to protect themselves from it. And it gets worse with every generation. For some reason, it just keeps getting worse. I'll give you an example of that. There's a condition in combat, most people know about it, it's when a fighting person's nervous system has been stressed to its absolute peak and maximum, can't take any more input. The nervous system has either

  [clicks his tongue] 

  George Carlin : snapped, or is about to snap. In the first World War, that condition was called "shell shock." Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables. Shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was seventy years ago. Then a whole generation went by, and the second World War came along. And the very same combat condition was called "battle fatigue." Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say, doesn't seem to hurt as much. "Fatigue" is a nicer word than "shock." Shell shock. Battle fatigue. Then we had the war in Korea in 1950. Madison Avenue was riding high by that time. And the very same combat condition was called "operational exhaustion."

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Hey, we're up to eight syllables now! And the humanity has been completely squeezed out of the phrase, it's totally sterile now. Operational exhaustion, sounds like something that might happen to your car!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Then, of course, came the war in Vietnam, which has only been over for about sixteen or seventeen years. And thanks to the lies and deceit surrounding that war, I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition was called "post-traumatic stress disorder."

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. "Post-traumatic stress disorder." I'll bet you if we'd have still been calling it shell shock, some of those Vietnam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll bet you that.

  [applause] 

  George Carlin : I'll bet you that.

• George Carlin : Psychiatrists have actually started calling ugly people "those with severe appearance deficits". It's getting so bad that any day now, I'm expecting to hear a rape victim referred to as an "unwilling sperm recipient".

• George Carlin : You will not hear me say "bottom line", "game plan", "role model", "scenario", or "hopefully". I will not "kick back", "mellow out", or "be on a roll"! I will not "go for it", and I will not "check it out". I don't even know what "it" is!

• George Carlin : Some people, they're not stupid, they're not full of shit. They're fucking NUTS! Dan Quayle is ALL THREE!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : All three! Stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts! And where did he get that wife of his? Have you taken a good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her, at a Halloween party or something? She looks like Prince Charles, for Christ's sake!

  [more laughter] 

  George Carlin : That's my political humor. People like it when you're topical.

• George Carlin : [during his bit about euphemisms]  Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

• George Carlin : Don't you think it's just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan had an operation on his asshole, and George Bush had an operation on his middle finger?

• George Carlin : Did you ever meet somebody, and you go to shake the guy's hand... and you suddenly realize... he doesn't have a complete hand! And you gotta make believe it feels great! Right? You can't go "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" You can't do that! It's not even an option!

• George Carlin : As long as I'm being a complete pig up here, let me ask you guys a question.

  [intermitten laughter] 

  George Carlin : Let me ask one question of the men. Are you ever able to watch a woman eating a banana and NOT think about a blowjob?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : I can't do it. And I know why: I'm a sick, evil fuck! I admit that!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : I can't do it! Eating a banana, eating a pickle, licking on an ice cream cone. I'm thinking to myself "LOOK AT THE TOUNGE ON HER! WOW!"

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : So ladies, be careful when you're standing out in front of that Häagen-Dazs. 'Cause God damn it, we're watching. And God damn it, we're thinking!

• [about the organ donor card people are supposed to carry in their wallet] 

  George Carlin : Do you honestly believe that if a paramedic finds that card on you in an automobile accident, he's going to try and save your life? Bullshit, he's looking for parts, man!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Absolutely! "Look, Dan, here's that lower intestine we've been looking for! Never mind the oxygen, this man's a donor!"

• George Carlin : I happen to agree with most of the feminist philosophy I have read. I agree, for instance, that for the most part, men are vain, ignorant, greedy, brutal assholes who just about ruined this planet...

  [cheers and applause] 

  George Carlin : ...who just about ruined this planet because they're afraid someone might have a bigger dick out there somewhere. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, so they have to kill one another over it. You do not have to be a political scientist or a history major to see the bigger dick foreign policy theory at work. It sounds like this: "what? They have bigger dicks? Bomb them!"

• George Carlin : Another thing I wonder is does a rapist have a hard-on when he leaves the house in the morning, or does he develop it during the day while he's walking around looking for somebody?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

  [laughter] 

• George Carlin : I got strange ideas anyway. You know what I think they ought to do with that Miss America contest? I think they ought to make the losers keep coming back until they win.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : I tell you, that would get a little spooky after about thirty-five years or so, huh?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : "I just want to work on world peace." Fine. Sit down before you fall down, will ya? And pick up all these God damn batons!

• George Carlin : I got a lot of good ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

• George Carlin : And for those of you who "need a little space," please... GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE!

• George Carlin : There's a lot of things you never see. And you know you don't see them 'cause you don't see them. You've got to see something first to know you never saw it, then you see it and say "hey, I never saw that." Too late; you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says "shit happens."

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : You never see a really big tall fat Chinese guy with red hair.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : You never see a wheelchair with a roll bar.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : You never see someone taking a shit while running at full speed!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : And you never see a picture of Margaret Thatcher strapping on a dildo.

  [laughter, whoops, and hollers] 

• George Carlin : If you want to know what a moronic word "lifestyle" is, all you have to do is realize that, in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an "active, outdoor lifestyle."

  [laughter] 

• George Carlin : Here's something that's going to make a fortune. Get in on this: this is a roach spray. It doesn't kill the roaches, but it fills them with self doubt as to whether or not they're in the right house.

• George Carlin : We have no more stupid people in this country. Everybody has a "learning disorder". Or he's "minimally exceptional".

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Imagine being told that about your child. "He's minimally exceptional." Oh, thank God for that.

• George Carlin : And frankly, I'm not impressed with people who tell me what they're gonna do when they go to the bathroom in the first place.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Doesn't that bother you a little bit, people who'll announce it? "I'll be right back, I'm gonna take a shit." Never mind! Do what you have to do and leave me out of it! And don't describe it when you come back! "Boy, should have seen-" NEVER MIND! "It set off the smoke alarm." *NEVER MIND*!

• George Carlin : Did you ever notice that, how many really stupid people you run into during the day? Goddamn, there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around! Carry a little pad and pencil with you, you'll wind up with 30 or 40 names by the end of the day. Look at it this way: think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn't take you very long to spot one of them, does it? Take you about eight seconds. You'd be listening to some guy. You say, "This guy is fucking stupid!"

• George Carlin : Want to piss off a feminist? Call her cum-catcher, that'll get her attention.

  [Groans from audience] 

  George Carlin : Oh, don't act disgusted! Don't act disgusted! Half of you are gonna go home and go down on each other tonight, remember? If you're willing to swallow cum, let's not make believe that something I said was disgusting!

• [On people who think rape isn't funny] 

  George Carlin : I say fuck you! I think it's hillarious, how do you like that? I can PROVE to you that rape is funny! Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd!

• George Carlin : I promise not to refer to any as a "class act", a "beautiful person", or a "happy camper"!

• [after talking about cancer] 

  George Carlin : Well, I know some people don't like you to talk about those things, I know that. Some people don't like you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things, they might happen. Some people are really fucking stupid.