Fatty Drives the Bus (1999)

Tom Keevers: Bud

Quotes 

• Molly : [outside Wrigley Field]  Do they play baseball here?

  Satan : Yes.

  Sam : Can I go on the field today?

  Satan : I'm sorry, no.

  Lana : What year was it built?

  Satan : Uh, 19

  [mumble mumble] 

  Satan : .

  Bud : Is there a bathroom here?

  Satan : Around the corner to the left - watch your butt.

  Martin : Is there a game today?

  Satan : There are 14 games today, all 28 major league teams will be in action, none of it will be taking place in this building.

  Mamie : Do you have an emery board?

  Satan : Yes.

  [he pulls an emery board out of his shirt pocket] 

  Chuck : Do you prefer couches to armchairs?

  Satan : Depends on what I'm doing. If I'm lounging with a book, I might.

  Mr. Zodsworth : [while still aboard the bus]  Didn't you once have a lizard?

  Satan : Yes, and his name was 'Bubbles.'

  Bridget : Yeah, do the Cubs need a new ballgirl?

  Satan : I don't care.

• Molly : [holds up a candy]  Oh, I loved these as a child. You could open them up like this - this is what I always used to do to eat them, then you eat the whitesh stuff, which is probably made with animal lard, but I always say to myself, 'You know, if you don't enjoy yourself not only once in a while, what's the use, you know?'

  Bud : Boy, you just don't shut up, do you?

  Molly : It was funny, because when Chuck and I first got married, everything we ate was orange and pink...

  Bud : Would you please shut up?

  Molly : And now, orange and pink, and it feels like a second honeymoon!

  Bud : I'll give you money to shut up.

  Molly : Oh, this is good.

  Bud : I'll give you a hundred dollars to shut up.

  Molly : Mmm, this is delicious. Red delicious. Oh, that's redundant! Red Delicious apple, that's my favorite!

  Bud : I hate you.

  Molly : They are so delicious!

  Bud : I want to punch you in the throat, I hate you.

  Molly : I am so glad we didn't have tuna fish today...

• Bud : Hey Sam.

  Sam : Hey, what's going on, Bud?

  Bud : You remember last night when I said nothing ever happens around here and we never have any fun?

  Sam : Yeah, I just thought you were drunk.

  Bud : Well, I decided - I was - well, today I woke up and I decided we're going to the big city.

  Sam : Nah, I don't like the big cities.

  Bud : Come on, Sam, why not?

  Sam : Bad stuff happens in big cities.

  Bud : Aw, quit being a baby. What can happen?

  Sam : Well, like maybe you book us on a bus tour, except the real bus tour wouldn't be there, so we'd have to go on a smaller bus with a lot of weird couples that we don't know except there'd be a girl I kinda like, then maybe the real bus driver will be there and he's a really fat guy but the bus tour guy, he's sick, so Satan takes over and he tries to get our souls throughout our trip, and he's pointing out weird things, except I've never been to the big city so I don't know if what he's telling us is true or maybe it's not true, and then you're gonna lose all your money, and then we're just gonna come on home, and the next day I'll be out here just digging holes in the dirt *again*.

  Bud : Pssht, right. You're such a downer. I'm gonna go get the car.

  Sam : All right.