- Canny Tim: Captain Fortesque, it's me, Canny Tim. Does the battle go well?
- Sir Daniel Fortesque: Not too good.
- Canny Tim: How I wish I could fight at your side again, sir. But hold, you could take my crossbow. It's got rapid fire, and you can ricochet the darts off walls to shoot around corners. I used it at the Battle of Gallowmere. After you were slain, I shot Zarok's champion, Lord Kardok, a clean kill through the eye at some thousand yards!
- Sir Daniel Fortesque: Get on with it!
- Canny Tim: Not that there's anything clever about shooting someone in the eye, sir.
- Imanzi Shongama: Dan, Dan, Dan! Tell me, what's a warrior queen got to do to meet someone like you?
- Sir Daniel Fortesque: Huh? What... me?
- Imanzi Shongama: Don't be shy, baby. I've seen you giving me the eye.You may be weak and feeble like all men, but I like you, Daniel.
- Sir Daniel Fortesque: Oh, no...
- Imanzi Shongama: Oh, I love a man who doesn't talk back! I think if you return, I may take you for my husband!
- Sir Daniel Fortesque: [gulps]
- Jack of the Green: At night they come without being fetched, by day they are lost without being stolen.
- Jack of the Green: I tolerate the moon and stars, I can't abide the sun, banish me with torch light and you'll see me turn and run.
- Jack of the Green: Outrageous as it seems, my vast intellect has been matched by your badly-decomposed brain!
- Jack of the Green: You think you're so clever, don't you? Here you are, Sir Clever Cloggs! I grant you free passage through my maze. Find your own way out!
- Karl Sturnguard: People say to me, "Sturnguard, what do you think of this sword or that axe?" But I say to them, "Nein! Modern warfare is a question of science! The science of shields!"
- Karl Sturnguard: Some people say that it is better to have a magic sword than a magic shield, but I say to you that is rubbish! So long as you use it properly, this shield will make you invincible!
- Dirk Steadfast: You can't go into battle with an undead army without a magic sword! Here, take mine. You will never have to sharpen another blade again, or my name is not Dirk Steadfast. It's not enough just to have a magic shield, you know, no matter what that soft thickie, Sturnguard says!
- Sir Daniel Fortesque: Great!
- Dirk Steadfast: Good, lad. Why I'd sooner go into battle holding a tea tray than carry that weedy girl's shield of his!
- Gargoyle: Back and forth like a supernatural yo-yo!
- Ravenhooves the Archer: You don't quite have my breeding, Mr. Johnny Come Lately, but there's hope for you yet.
- Stanyer Iron Hewer: Take my warhammer. It'll smash anything, and it won't fall apart like a club. I only ever get to use it cracking walnuts around this place.
- Woden the Mighty: How I pity the people of Gallowmere, that their fate should once again be in the hands of a chump like you! Still, I supposes it's not fair to take it out on them.
- Woden the Mighty: You know, I've always had my doubts about you, Fortesque. You're just not carved from hero material.
- Sir Daniel Fortesque: I'll show you!
- Megwynn Maelstrom: Off you pop, then, and keep your chin up.
- Sir Daniel Fortesque: Watch it!
- Megwynn Maelstrom: Oops! Sorry, Daniel.
- The Town Mayor: By 'eck am I glad to see you! That Zarok tried to force me to hand the shadow Artefact - he means to release the Demons from their tomb under the enchanted forest... But I said to him I said: 'You can't touch me you lanky windbag, I'm the mayor'. Aye, that told him, But then he had me locked up in here with all these nutters. Oh it's been terrible - I haven't managed to get a word of sense out of anyone in weeks!
- Dragon: Who dares to enter my lair and wake me from my slumber? Ah-ha! Prepare yourself little man! I shall roast the flesh from your bones. Oh, um, I see... well in that case, I will pluck out both of your eyes... oh, great... I'm... I'm just going to give you a good hiding!
- Captain's Guard: Captain, I thought you ought to know, we have a stowaway on board, I've told the men to scour the decks for him.
- Captain: Good, I want the scurvy dog dangling from yon yarder on by his bowels!
- Captain's Guard: Is that really necessary? Couldn't we just give him a good tongue lashing and drop him off at the next port?
- Captain: Look, there's not a man jack on this ship who wouldn't keelhaul his own grandmother for the silver in her hair - they'll be no tongue lashing! Bring the landlubber to be and I'll tear him a new orifice!
- Guard 1: Hurry, comrades, tear this place apart!
- Guard 2: If we don't find the Shadow artifact, Lord Zarok will have us mucking out the demons for the next millennium!
- Blood Monath: I lend you my axe. You swing her, you throw her, she thirst for slaughter as much as I! Drink deep of demon blood, my proud beauty!