We Know Where You Live. Live! (2001 TV Movie)

Eddie Izzard: Fourth Yorkshireman

Quotes 

• Eddie Izzard : Good evening Wembley! The largest Wembley venue they've got - 'cause the other one's got a wheelbarrow in it.

• Eddie Izzard : [to a crew member who is moving a speaker from the front of the stage to the side]  Oh no, leave it there. It's quite nice there. Oh yeah, that's better. Oh, I see. You're giving me space so my feet can be seen. Yeah, that's

  [pause] 

  Eddie Izzard : a big part of comedy.

• Eddie Izzard : Taxidermy. It's definitely vocational. You can accidentally fall into taxidermy, you know, working at a chip shop and suddenly think 'I've got to stuff owls with sand'. Get as much sand into a rat as possible, the whole Ghobi desert. It's just a sand thing, nothing else. There's no 'I've done your dog with porridge. I know it's unusual, but you can move him about, see? Lean. Lie flat, just squash him down. Roll up. And I've done your cat with helium. You can tie him to your car and drive around'.

• Eddie Izzard : Skipping. Huge fucking boxers and very small girls are the only two social groups in the world who do skipping.

• Eddie Izzard : Matthew Kelly cannot be with us tonight, he has exploded.

• Eddie Izzard : Star Trek. You know, the original one? Phasers? Yeah, liked it. But they had two settings: stun and kill and that's about it. Now they had a lot of technology, they could have had a few more settings I think. Loss of memory setting would have been good - loss of memory, loss of short term memory, the crew were very casual, you know, as the enemy attacked

  [enemy] 

  Eddie Izzard : 'aaaaah... what are we doing here?'. Um, bit of a cough setting. Ice cream van nearby

  [enemy] 

  Eddie Izzard : 'ooh! two choc ices - you want one? So three choc ices and two 99s please' and I think my favourite was oven left on at home setting

  [enemy] 

  Eddie Izzard : 'oh fuck!'.

• Eddie Izzard : Beekeeping. You know when you're a kid and a bee comes round, your dad's like, "stand still," that's so the bee can come up and really get you. I think running around's better 'cause then they have a difficult job, but no apparently 'stand there' and wasps are just crap, they have a wasp's nest, they go in there, I don't know what they do, they just don't do anything, they're just like, "let's go out and sting someone," it seems.

• Eddie Izzard : And swimming's another one. I remember weird bits of shit like diving to pick up a brick from the bottom of a pool. As you so often need to... And I got my bronze survival award, I could survive in bronzy type way. Not in a silver or gold way, no just in a bronzy type way which is when you get out there and you're like 'are you drowning? Well, so am I now. The shore's over there so let's, no I can't pull you or then I'll drown and I'm only bronze'. I don't know what silver was, maybe they come out with a tray 'want a drink', gold they put you in a fucking speedboat. But my favourite part is when you're drowning in your pyjamas. Whip 'em off, tie knots in the end and make yourself your own personal life raft, and who goes on holiday in their pyjamas?

• Eddie Izzard : The Pope. First there was a Pope John, then there's Pope John Paul. We can see where they're going with this, the next one will be Pope John Paul George and then Pope John Paul George and Ringo.

• Eddie Izzard : He has a Popemobile and the only person in the world who's got anything like that is Batman. You've got Batman with a Batmobile, the Pope with a Popemobile, and the Pope's got a cave and whenever they show the picture of a sinner on a cloud, the Pope goes down to his cave where he's joined by Altar Boy.

• Eddie Izzard : This reminds me of playing Kingston Poly

  [faint cheer from part of the audience] 

  Eddie Izzard : yes, they're all in tonight, in fact it's entirely Kingston Poly

  [another faint cheer] 

  Eddie Izzard : , yeah all right, you're from Kingston Poly. It's good, but no-one's gonna fuck you.

• Eddie Izzard : [someone barely audible in the audience shouts something]  Very good point, mate, but fuck off. Never interrupt me in the middle of a gag.

• Eddie Izzard : There's a Fiat, oh God, one of these, a Fiat Punto, registration A329 BTU parked... in my dressing room.

  [Nokia ring tone] 

  Dom Joly : [shouting]  HELLO? WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR A THING. I'M AT WEMBLEY! WEMBLEY! NO IT'S RUBBISH. I DUNNO, THERE'S A TRANNY AND SOME POLITICS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. ALL RIGHT, CIAO, CIAO.

• Eddie Izzard : Pavlov did experiments with dogs. Fantastic ones, where he did "Day one: rang bell, dog ate food. Day two: rang bell, dog ate more food. Day three: rang bell, dog ate my leg." I mean, we know this, you ring bells and dogs are gonna fucking eat food. But his cat experiments were never published. "Day one: rang bell, cat fucked off. Day two: rang bell, cat went and answered door. Day three: rang bell, cat said, "There's a bell ringing." Day four: rang bell but cat put its paw on bell so it only made a thunk thunk thunk noise. Day five: went to ring bell but cat had stolen batteries. Day six: cat rang bell. I ate food."

• Eddie Izzard : Ahh... Very passable, that, very passable, indeed...

  Yorkshireman : Aye! You can't beat a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier...

  [huge cheers] 

  Eddie Izzard : Oh! I think Jesus has just come in!

• Vic Reeves : RIGHT! I used to get up at half past ten at night in the morning, half an hour before I went to sleep, eat a pile of hot steaming poisonous magma, go to work at mill for twenty-eight hours a day and pay mill-owner for privilege of lettin' us work there. And when we got home at night, our father would murder us in cold blood mind. Aaah! but then! He'd murders us in cold blood, buries us and dances on our graves singing "yes, sir I can Boogie".

  Eddie Izzard : And you try telling the young people of today that... and they'll be HIGHLY sceptical...

• Eddie Izzard : My old Dad used to say to me... "money cannot buy you a nuclear radar system".