Meet the Fockers (2004)

Ben Stiller: Greg Focker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jack Byrnes : I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.

  Greg Focker : It was Barry Poppins.

  Jack Byrnes : What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

  Roz Focker : Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

  Jack Byrnes : It was your idea?

  Roz Focker : Yes.

  Jack Byrnes : What is wrong with you people?

  Bernie Focker : You people?

  Dina Byrnes : I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

  Jack Byrnes : Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

  Greg Focker : Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?

  Jack Byrnes : He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.

  Roz Focker : The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.

  Greg Focker : Mom.

  Jack Byrnes : What are you saying?

  Roz Focker : I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.

  Jack Byrnes : And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.

  Pam Byrnes : Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.

  Jack Byrnes : I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

  Roz Focker : Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.

  Jack Byrnes : The Little Jack in me?

  [Greg is getting extremely frusrated] 

  Roz Focker : Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.

  Jack Byrnes : Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.

  Greg Focker : [everyone starts arguing]  Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?

  [everyone is quiet] 

  Greg Focker : Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

• Jack Byrnes : Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truely important. Do you know what that is?

  Greg Focker : Love... friendship... enjoying the moment... living... just love.

  Jack Byrnes : His legacy.

  Greg Focker : That, too. Right, yeah. Sure.

  Jack Byrnes : Let me put it very simply. If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.

• Greg Focker : What happened last night?

  Pam Byrnes : Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant, you revealed you have a 15 year old son named Jorge, and oh, apparently you have the hots for my mom.

• Pam Byrnes : In a few weeks, I'm not going to be Pam Byrnes. I'm going to be Pamela Focker.

  Greg Focker : Or Byrnes-Focker, we haven't totally decided yet.

  Pam Byrnes : No, no, no, I'm going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I know how that sounds but that's the name I'm taking.

• Greg Focker : It's great to be here with all of you as I am about to set sail in my ship of life with my first mate, the beautiful, young blonde lass over there. Hey baby.

  [blows her a kiss] 

  Greg Focker : I still masturbate to Pam.

  Pam Byrnes : Greg.

  Greg Focker : What? It's true. Honey, what? C'mon, you're hot. Look at her! Look at those boobs. Man! I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and just

  [shakes head making motorboat noise] 

  Greg Focker : . Man, I just want to nestle in there and take a little vacation in there.

  Pam Byrnes : Honey.

  Greg Focker : Honey, what? I'm sorry. Okay, excuse me for you being perfect! Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there, my future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes! Dina Dina Bo-Bina Banana Fana Fo Fina. I love D-D-Dina Byrnes! You know they say if you really want to know what a woman's going to look like when she gets older, you should look at her mother. Well I'm lookin' and I'm likin'! Woo, look at her! Sweetness!

  [chuckles] 

  Greg Focker : Good genes. Byrnes gene pool.

  [Spies Jorge] 

  Greg Focker : Hey, hey you! Hold on. Pam, I gotta tell you something about this little dude right here. In my first really passionate sexual awakening, I did, in fact lose my virginity to our beautiful housekeeper Isabel.

  Pam Byrnes : Greg, honey, that was in the past so why don't you just come sit down?

  Greg Focker : No, no, no, no, honey. 'Cause I have to get this off my chest. Really. We concieved a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. Come up here. Let's lift the veil of mystery. The fruit of my loins is right here! Everybody take a look. See his face. He is mine. Search your feelings Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa.

  [hugs him] 

  Greg Focker : It's okay. I know. Lot of information. You let it settle. Who'da thunk it, huh? Come on, give that kid a hand. Oh, and Jack? Pam's pregnant. Focker out.

  [passes out] 

• Greg Focker : Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat.

  Bernie Focker : Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained.

  Greg Focker : Dad, he humps everything that moves.

  Roz Focker : [laughing]  He's like your father!

  Bernie Focker : I never cheated on you!

• Bernie Focker : Do you want me to be macho wacho?

  Greg Focker : Dad, have I ever said the words macho wacho to you?

• Greg Focker : [about the coach loudspeaker]  I like that thing. Hey, mind if I, uh make a little announcement?

  Jack Byrnes : Only the captain gets to make an announcement, Greg.

  [pause] 

  Jack Byrnes : You want to honk the horn?

  Greg Focker : Um, sure.

  Jack Byrnes : Only the captain gets to honk the horn.

• Greg Focker : They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing.

  [they all laugh] 

  Jack Byrnes : Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?

  Greg Focker : [silence]  They wouldn't.

• Greg Focker : You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?

  Jack Byrnes : I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?

  Greg Focker : Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?

• Greg Focker : What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little... funky.

  Jack Byrnes : That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.

• Greg Focker : [to Little Jack]  What? You don't like me. I don't like your little red outfit. It makes you look like a little demon baby. Maybe I'll get you a little pitchfork for Christmas, so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham. I'm sorry I can't make little poop sounds and I can't make little things that tell people when I want to do things. But I have a sign for you.

  [sticks up middle finger] 

  Greg Focker : How's that for a sign?

• Greg Focker : [singing]  And if that mockingbird don't sing, then... Greg is gonna buy you a... diamond ring. And if that diamond ring gets sold, then... Greg is gonna feel like a... big asshole.

  Little Jack : ...Asshole!

  Greg Focker : [surprised]  !... No... oh, no, you don't wanna say that word, cause that's a bad word!

  Little Jack : Asshole!

• Little Jack : Asshole.

  Greg Focker : Jack's Mole! 'Cause Jack has a big mole on his face!

• Greg Focker : This isn't about you, alright? It's not about either of you. It's about me and Pam. We're getting married. That's it. We're starting our own circle of trust. And guess what.

  [points to both of them] 

  Greg Focker : You're not in it.

  Jack Byrnes : You can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.

  Greg Focker : You know what, you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack. And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.

  Jack Byrnes : That is untrue! I say who's in or out of the circle!

  Bernie Focker : Well I'm confused. Who's circle am I in?

  Greg Focker , Jack Byrnes : Nobody's.

• Roz Focker : Well you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo, and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level.

  Greg Focker : Mm-hmm. Mom, I'm truely not comfortable having this conversation with you.

• Pam Byrnes : Did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant? Because she keeps touching my stomach and smiling like that.

  Greg Focker : No, I didn't tell her. She guessed.

  Pam Byrnes : She what?

  Greg Focker : Yeah, and then she told my dad.

  Pam Byrnes : Oh, my God.

• Pam Byrnes : This weekend is going to be fun, and your parents are great.

  Greg Focker : They're great in small doses.

• Greg Focker : [seeing the rear-camera view of the semi blinking its high-beams on and off to indicate impatience]  Sorry, Buddy - gotta keep this rig under 55... Captain Jack's orders!

• Roz Focker : How are things with you and Pam?

  Greg Focker : They're great.

  Roz Focker : They're great? Because after two years you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly?

  Greg Focker : Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, okay?

  Roz Focker : Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.

• Greg Focker : And do you talk yet, Mr. Munchkinhead?

  [makes baby noises at Little Jack] 

  Jack Byrnes : Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize him. Talk to him like an adult.

  Dina Byrnes : Muskrat.

  Jack Byrnes : Huh?

  Dina Byrnes : Muskrat, Jack.

  Jack Byrnes : Oh right.

  [to Greg] 

  Jack Byrnes : Just try to understand, he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands.

• Roz Focker : [about Greg's circumcision ceremony]  See that's Greg getting circumcised.

  Bernie Focker : We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it.

  Roz Focker : The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell.

  Greg Focker : You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle.

• Jack Byrnes : Officer, do you mind telling me why you're arresting these men?

  Officer LeFlore : Oh, mercy. It just gets better and better. This is none of your business, looky-loo!

  Jack Byrnes : At ease, son. Put down the taser.

  [pulls ID out] 

  Jack Byrnes : Jack Byrnes, C.I.A.

  Officer LeFlore : C.I... what?

  [looks at the ID] 

  Officer LeFlore : It says here you're retired. What are you gonna show me next, your AARP card.

  Jack Byrnes : Now you listen to me, and you listen good...

  Bernie Focker : What's he doing?

  Greg Focker : Don't worry, he's going to get us out of this.

  Jack Byrnes : You have no right to...

  Officer LeFlore : Stand down, sir!

  Jack Byrnes : No, I will not stand, you will stand down!

  Officer LeFlore : I will not stand down!

  Jack Byrnes : Oh, you will stand down or you will be walking a beat at a retirement home in Boyton Beach...

  Officer LeFlore : [shoots Jack in the chest with the taser, Jack starts shaking]  Remain calm!

• [first lines] 

  Gunther - Immigrant Man : You must do something! Baby's coming!

  Greg Focker : Yes, I know baby's coming. Miss, you have to stay calm and take deep breaths, okay?

  [to an admitting nurse named Myra] 

  Greg Focker : Myra! I need a doctor here right now!

  Admitting Nurse : I'm working on it!

  Venka - Immigrant Woman : You're not doctor?

  Greg Focker : No, I'm a nurse.

  Gunther - Immigrant Man : You're a man and you're a nurse?

  Venka - Immigrant Woman : What kind of man is nurse?

  Greg Focker : Look, folks. I'm a professional, okay? I know exactly what I'm doing. So, just trust me. Everything's gonna be fine, all right? Yeah... Yeah, you're fully dilated.

  [turns back to her] 

  Greg Focker : Hey! I need that doctor right now!

  Admitting Nurse : There are no free doctors! Nurse, you're gonna have to deliver that baby yourself.

  Gunther - Immigrant Man : [sees that the baby's head]  I can see a head!

  [He turns to her] 

  Greg Focker : Holy shit.

  [He comes to her and see the baby's head. Venka screaming] 

• Greg Focker : [sings]  Mr. Moose likes to say good words! He doesn't like you to say bad words!

• [Jack is telling Greg how to babysit Little Jack] 

  Jack Byrnes : Now, remember, Greg, we're Feberizing him, so unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances should you pick him up or cuddle him in any way when he cries.

  Greg Focker : OK.

  Jack Byrnes : He's learning to self-soothe. That means no television, no unapproved toys, and most of all, no monkey business of any kind. Is that clear?

  Greg Focker : Got it. No monkey business.

• [Jack, Greg and Bernie have been arrested and are in jail; Jack and Bernie sit facing each other on bunk beds either side of the cell; Greg stands by them] 

  Greg Focker : Look, we're starting a family, all right? We're gonna have a baby. I have a fifteen-year-old son. You guys just gotta put aside your differences and do what's best for us, OK?

  Jack Byrnes : [sighs]  Greg, Jorge's not your son.

  Greg Focker : What?

  Jack Byrnes : I had a comparative DNA analysis conducted last night, and I made a mistake.

  Greg Focker : You made a mistake?

  Jack Byrnes : Yes, I did.

  Bernie Focker : Wait a minute! Truth serum? DNA matches? Who the hell *are* you, Jack Byrnes?

  Jack Byrnes : I'm not really a florist, Bernard. I was in the CIA for 32 years, and I retired right before I met Greg.

  Bernie Focker : Oh, sure. Well, that makes sense.

• [Jack and Bernie are arrived at home, looked at Little Jack holding the rum bottle with his glue hands, watching the movie Scarface on TV, shocked] 

  Bernie Focker : There's someone you don't see every day.

  [Moses began to humping on Jinx's back] 

  Jack Byrnes : Focker! Focker!

  [Greg enters with wearing moose antlers and a breast] 

  Greg Focker : Okay. I know this is bad. But, I can explain.

  Jack Byrnes : What the hell happened? I said no monkey business!

  [Little Jack began to crying] 

  Greg Focker : No! There's no monkey business.

  Jack Byrnes : No monkey business? You're wearing my breast!

  [Moses barking at Jinx, he gets off his back, Jinx hissing at Moses] 

  Jack Byrnes : Little Jack is drinking, Moses is sodomizing Jinx and you're telling me there's no monkey business? What is going on here?

  [turns to Little Jack] 

  Jack Byrnes : Are you all right, LJ?

  [Roz, Pam and Dina enters home] 

  Roz Focker : Hello, we're home! Hey, guys!

  Jack Byrnes : [grabbing the rum bottle]  Give me the bottle. Give me the bottle.

  Pam Byrnes : Oh, my god. What happened to Little Jack?

  Bernie Focker : Looks like his hands has stuck in the bottle of rum.

  Greg Focker : Thank you, dad.

  Jack Byrnes : You bet, they're stuck.

  Pam Byrnes : Greg? How did this happen?

  [sees his wearing antlers] 

  Pam Byrnes : And why are you wearing antlers?

  Greg Focker : [takes his antlers off]  It's... very complicated.

  Roz Focker : [sees the glue]  It's just a little glue, he's fine.

  Jack Byrnes : He's not fine! If he could use of his hands, he'll tell you by himself!

  [to Little Jack] 

  Jack Byrnes : All right, that's all right. Come on.

  [Little Jack continues crying] 

  Pam Byrnes : Oh, Little Jack. Honey, are you okay? Greg?

  Jack Byrnes : Dina? Pam?

  Dina Byrnes : Yes, dad. I'm coming.

  Pam Byrnes : Little Jack?

  Roz Focker : [to Greg]  Honey, I said a thimble. Not a bottle.