Nayak: The Real Hero (2001)

Paresh Rawal: Bansal

Quotes 

• Bansal : This is not a paid crowd, not lured with chicken-and-booze. Not the ones laden on trucks. They're here because they want to. Because they believe. This is a good man, a good leader. He will give us a good future, he will give us good governance. Ask any man, and he will say he wants to become a doctor, a civil servant, but no man wants to become a leader. Ask them. Everyone shuns politics, because it's filth, but no one's willing to clean it up. They leave the country in the hands of old hyenas who don't even have time to live. In this country, every man aspires for a 20,000-buck job, right? And a pretty girl to marry. Come time to retire you expect to save up enough to buy half an acre of land in the suburbs. To build a 700 square feet house. Painted yellow, and a garden to recline in the sun, while reading newspapers and tell your wife "Darling, politics is ruining this country". You have no right to blame a politician. Had Mahatma Gandhi cozied up at home with his wife and kids, you would've been cleaning latrines in some Englishman's house. Had Thomas Alva Edison not left home, would we have electricity? Had Graham Bell thought like you, would we be using telephones? Even the silkworm, before it dies uses its spit to weave silk to be remembered by. And we are humans.

• Bansal : [Briefing Puri on the ongoing riots across Maharashtra]  Sir, if we don't stop them right here they'll convert the entire state into a graveyard. And you're aware that the so-called intelligentsia will keep howling over this day and night. Atleast we can save a few places from getting tattered.

  Balraj Chauhan (Chief Minister) : [Responding to Rawal when irritated by the reality]  You'll tatter me. It's not me who'll be tattered but my government. The 4 legs of this chair on which I am sitting aren't mine alone. One of is of those coalition parties, the other is of caste based communities we're catering to, third is of those who're financing our organization and fourth our grassroots activists. Even if one leg is pulled, this chair shall fall as a whole.

  [Turning his face towards Rawal in a furious tone] 

  Balraj Chauhan (Chief Minister) : And the day it happens, I'll pick the remains and smash it on your face.

  [In a normal tone] 

  Balraj Chauhan (Chief Minister) : Such problems aren't meant to be solved, instead an issue is created out of them for the sole purpose of future politics.

  [On his CB communicator to police authorities] 

  Balraj Chauhan (Chief Minister) : Commissioner, no arrests, no tear gas. They want to scream, be it. First they'll shout, then they'll be exhausted and finally they'll forget everything and return to normal.

  [Disconnects] 

• Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [Returning to the Secretariat as day end approaches]  Yes Mr. Bansal. Is the list of the officials I requested for in process ?

  Bansal : Yes Sir. First, the people who misuse their authority. Second, the people who intervene in matters of those trying to conduct tasks honestly. Third, those who don't even bother to perform their duties. Breaking down by districts, municipalities, divisions, subdivisions, whosoever has become a millionaire is on these lists. Total headcount is 45,518 characters.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [after a brief shock, in a normal tone]  Suspend all of them.

  Bansal : [Shocked at the radical decision]  But Sir, signing these many suspension orders would take over midnight.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : So issue an ordinance order, publish the names on the government's internet portal, put these lists on the bulletin board like exam results. If there's something stopping the officials, I'll order the Collectors to round these people myself.

  Bansal : There are several Collectors on these lists themselves Sir.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : No problem, you sign their suspension orders.

  [In a humorous tone] 

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : In case your name's too in the list, I'll sign that.

  Bansal : [In a comical tone]  Sir I can assure you, I maybe loud mouthed but my hands are completely clean.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : But from where the hell did these people get the guts to indulge in such activities ?

  Bansal : From ministers obviously, all are hand in glove after all.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : Who's on the list ?

  Bansal : [Sarcastic on the corruption]  Who's NOT ? Food, housing, revenue, finance, PWD. Combined there are 12 wolves in the pack.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : What action do you suggest for these wolves ?

  Bansal : To be honest, they should be caged.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : Do it.

  [Camera flashes multiple times across Paresh Rawal's face] 

• Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [Reaching the hospital after issuing the bomb alert]  Mr. Bansal why have you called me here ? We were supposed to have Pandurang arrested and interrogated.

  Bansal : Sir that walking drum roll got the word we're gonna nab him, so he feigned ill health and is hiding here.

  [Entering Saurabh Shukla's ward] 

  Bansal : Take a look, he's lying on the bed like a sliced watermelon.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [to Saurabh Shukla]  Mr. Pandurang, we've an important issue to discuss with you. I hope you'll co-operate.

  Bansal : [Seeing Saurabh Shukla gesturing them to leave]  Wow, what an acting performance isn't it Sir.

  Balraj Chauhan's legal counsel : [to Anil Kapoor and Paresh Rawal]  Excuse me Sir, my client suffers from high cholesterol, high diabetes and multiple organ failure. So kindly leave and let him rest.

  Bansal : [Comically mocking Chandramani Jangde]  So you've left legal practice and become a doctor ?

  Balraj Chauhan's legal counsel : I am not saying so, take a look at his medical reports here.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [Understanding the folly]  Mr. Bansal, what treatment is Mr. Pandurang subject to ?

  Bansal : Sir, Mr. Pandurang suffered from an infectious growth on his leg which transformed into gangrene, so we had to cut off that leg.

  Pandurang : [Wakes up screaming]  No, what've you done, my leg ?

  Bansal : It's upstairs, drying in the sun.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [Playing along]  Mr. Bansal further treatment would also be required right ?

  Pandurang : [Realising his game's up]  No treatment would be required, I am fully fit, take a look

  [stretches his muscles] 

  Pandurang : .

  Bansal : Before dying, everyone thinks the same. After all, you also have hypertension, organ failure amongst others.

  Balraj Chauhan's legal counsel : Sir you're harassing my client, please leave.

  Pandurang : Aye Counselor, you leave damn it.

  [Turns to Anil Kapoor and Paresh Rawal] 

  Pandurang : Sir, all these certificates and reports are fake, fabricated. I swear on my Mother.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [On seeing Chandramani Jangde bang his hands on his bald head]  Get lost, immediately.

  Balraj Chauhan's legal counsel : [to Saurabh Shukla, furiously]  Go to hell

  [leaves] 

  Balraj Chauhan's legal counsel : .

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [Closes in on Saurabh Shukla, in a serious tone]  Now, Pandu, tell us where have you planted the bombs ?

  Pandurang : [Trying to downplay the event]  Tiger Bomb or Zhandu Bomb ?

  Bansal : Trying to act funny, ha ha ha. Listen up Pandu, speak out the truth OR you ain't leaving this place alive.

  Pandurang : [Feigning ignorance]  Sir what are you saying, I am not able to comprehend.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : Pandu, by presenting fake medical certificates, you've landed in your own trap. Now, if we're to cut off your hands or your legs, nobody gives a damn.

  Bansal : [Brings a cutter cum driller]  Pandu Bhai, choose any one of my 3 fingers

  Pandurang : [Frightened]  What's this finger for ?

  Bansal : For your other leg.

  Pandurang : So the other finger ?

  Bansal : For your hands.

  Pandurang : [Terrified]  So what's the last one for ?

  Bansal : That's for your special organ

  [referring to his penis] 

  Bansal : .

  Pandurang : No, please, don't cut anything. I'll tell you the locations. The first bomb is outside the State Bank building. The second, at VT Station. The third, at the parking booth of the blue cabs.

  Bansal : [Revealing his severed leg was a hoax]  Here take your furniture.

  Pandurang : [Delighted]  Hey I haven't lost my legs. Ganpati Bappa Morya.

  [Asking Paresh Rawal] 

  Pandurang : Now can I sleep ?

  Bansal : [In a sarcastic tone]  Sleep tight in the lockup.

• Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [to Amrish Puri, after having all corrupt cabinet ministers arrested]  Across this one day, neither did I do anything extraordinary, nor did I commit some social service. I simply dispensed the duties of a regular Chief Minister. If you had done the same in the past 5 years, imagine what heights our state would have scaled Sir.

  Balraj Chauhan (Chief Minister) : [Replying to Anil Kapoor in a sarcastic tone]  I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your day's over. You're free to go home.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : There're still 5 minutes left. And one last job too. The prime source of all the corruption of your ministers is YOU

  [pointing to Amrish Puri] 

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : . You've a significant share in their malpractices. Therefore I am placing you under arrest too.

  Bansal : [Standing in the crowd, in a concealed voice]  This old wolf wasn't meant to be in our list.

  Balraj Chauhan (Chief Minister) : [In overconfidence]  Don't act childish. You're oblivious to the procedure of the law. A Chief Minister isn't some drunk bum on the street who can be simply put on remand. You need arrest orders from the Supreme Court, signatures of approval on the same by the Governor and many other formalities.

  Shivaji Rao Gaekwad : [Reminding Amrish Puri of his situation]  I am sorry to say but it's ME who's the Chief as of this moment. And you are just another citizen of our country. Therefore, I have the power to arrest you.

  [Instructs the Police Commissioner to apprehend Amrish Puri] 

  Balraj Chauhan (Chief Minister) : [to Anil Kapoor in a threatening tone with a smile as he is carried away in handcuffs]  Your good time, has just begun.

  Bansal : [to Anil Kapoor as Amrish Puri is loaded in the police van]  The day he's out of jail, he'll bite me first and foremost.