- Dave Attell: If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
- Dave Attell: Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly.
- Dave Attell: Usually when you hear a laugh like that, it comes with a chainsaw.
- [referring to a jack-o-lantern]
- Dave Attell: You know you're drunk if you try to fuck one of the holes.