Bad Santa (2003)
Brett Kelly: The Kid
Photos
Quotes
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Kid : What are their names?
Willie : Who?
Kid : The Elves.
Willie : Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey...
Kid : That's the seven dwarfs!
Willie : You're shittin' me? I thought... I was thinking there was a... I don't know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them... I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys.
Willie : What the FUCK is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
Kid : How old are they?
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Kid : Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.
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Kid : Why do you need a car?
Willie : What the fuck are you talking about?
Kid : This car.
Willie : Which turn is it?
Kid : Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?
Willie : It's in the shop, getting repaired.
Kid : Where are the reindeer?
Willie : I stabled them. Is it left or right?
Kid : That way. Where's the stable?
Willie : Next to the shop.
Kid : How do they sleep?
Willie : Who? The reindeer? Standing up.
Kid : But the noise. How do they sleep?
Willie : What noise?
Kid : From the shop.
Willie : They only work during the day, all right?
Kid : I thought it was always night at the North Pole.
Willie : Well, not now. Right now it's always day.
Kid : Then how do they sleep?
Willie : Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
Kid : On *my* head?
Willie : Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?
Kid : How can they drop me onto my own head?
Willie : No, not *onto* your... Would... God damn it! Are you fucking with me?
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Hindustani Troublemaker : I am not gay!
Willie : What the hell, buddy.
Hindustani Troublemaker : Buddy? I said I am not gay!
Willie : Are you off your fucking meds or something?
Hindustani Troublemaker : Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as queer as a ten dollar bill.
Willie : Let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...
Hindustani Troublemaker : [grabs Willie and pins him against the car] Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...
Kid : Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker : Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
Kid : Leave Santa alone!
Hindustani Troublemaker : [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave] Ass clown.
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Willie : Is that your underwear?
Kid : Part of it.
Willie : Where the hell's the rest of it?
[the kid opens his mouth to speak]
Willie : Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?
Kid : I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.
Willie : Yeah? What?
Kid : Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing.
[Santa looks at the kid in confusion]
Willie : Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?
Kid : He made it all better?
Willie : No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
Kid : Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
Willie : What the fuck? No!
Kid : He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
Willie : No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.
[the kid stares at Santa]
Willie : Or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.
Kid : Okay. Thanks Santa.
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Kid : OW... OW... OW... I cut my hand, by mistake OW... OW... OW...
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Willie : [the kid on his lap stares blankly at him] Well, what do you want? Great. Another fucking Mongoloid. Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right? What the fuck are you doing, Don't fuck with my beard.
Kid : Its not real.
Willie : No shit.
Willie : Ya see, it was real, but then Santa got sick and all the hair fell out, so I have to wear this fucking thing
Kid : How did you get sick?
Willie : I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid : Mrs. Santa?
Kid : No, it was her sister
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Willie : That's the seven dwarfs!
Willie : You're shittin' me? Fuck, kid; i just call them you know like hey bub or chief, i tell them to make the god dammed toys
Willie : What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
Kid : How old are they?
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Herb : Howdy. Herb Gunner. I live two streets over on Burningtrail Road. I don't think we've met.
Willie : I'm Uncle Willie.
Herb : I'm organizing all decorations for all the subdivision this year. Do you mind if I come in?
Willie : Yeah.
[Herb tries to walk into their house, but Willie stops him]
Willie : I mean, yeah, I mind.
Herb : Ok. Uh... Will you be participating in our Luminarias program this year?
Willie : What the hell is a Luminarias?
The Kid : Luminarias!
Herb : Small sacks filled with about a pound of sand each. Then we insert a candle in the middle, we light it, and the bag glows. Then we light all the sidewalks here. All around the neighborhood.
Willie : See we don't celebrate Christmas around here. We're Muslims.
Herb : Look, this is my first year running this and I would like it if there weren't any gaps in it. So what if I come by Christmas Eve and do it for you?
Willie : No, you know what, you don't have to do that. I'll do it. Alright? I mean, me and the kid will do something.
Herb : Great! I got the supplies. I'll just throw them in the garage.
Willie : Perfect.
Herb : Awesome!
[Willie shuts the door on Herb]
Herb : Going into the garage.
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Kid : It's a wooden pickle.
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Willie : Is daddy home?
Kid : He's on an adventure, exploring the mountains. He's been gone a long time.
Willie : Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?
Kid : Until next year.
Willie : Yeah? What about mommy?
Kid : She lives in God's house; with Jesus and Mary and the ghost and the long eared donkey and the talking walnut.
Willie : Well, who the fuck takes care of you then?
Kid : Grandma.
Willie : Yeah, what's her name?
Kid : Grandma.
Willie : Is Granny spry?
