Comedy Central Presents (TV Series)

Jim Gaffigan (2000)

Jim Gaffigan: Self

Quotes 

• Jim Gaffigan : Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden, and my mother was Elton John. He was a very good mommy.

• Jim Gaffigan : Life is a little easier for attractive people. Can we admit that? Think about it: If a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Huh, they're nice." But if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they WANT? Get away from me, weirdo."

• Jim Gaffigan : When you don't drink, people always need to know why, too. They're like:

  [falsetto voice] 

  Jim Gaffigan : "You don't drink? Why?" This never happens with anything else. "You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside..."

• Jim Gaffigan : I like living here in New York, but it definitely changes you. It'll make people impatient. Have you ever had someone not ask for directions but DEMAND 'em? You're just walkin' down the street, you hear a horn, some guy's like, "Holland Tunnel!" You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions? Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time! "Let's go, buddy, Holland Tunnel!"

• Jim Gaffigan : You ever have one thing to do all day, and you just can't get yourself to do it? "I gotta go to the post office. But I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open 'til five. I'm gonna have to do that next week, when I have a little more free time." I never have free time. I don't know about you, but whenever I go to the, you ever go to the cash machine and there's two people in line in front of you, you get kinda flustered, you're like, "FORGET IT! I'm not standing here for forty seconds! I got things to do. Okay?" Sometimes being lazy can get ya in trouble, y'know? Like, you ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, and then you're running late for work on Monday: "Oh no..." There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbecue on Friday night, I only have 48 hours to take a shower. Kinda busy."

• Jim Gaffigan : I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, too. But you know what's really addictive? Heroin. That'll grab you by the horn.

• Jim Gaffigan : My favorite channel is the Lifetime Channel, because Lifetime is "Television for Women. Lifetime: Television for Women." Yet, for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that network. "In a Lifetime Original, Meredith Baxter Bernie gets beaten with a rod, in a Lifetime original, "Rod"."

• Jim Gaffigan : The manatee is endangered, and I think it's because it's out of shape. It looks like a retired football player.

• Jim Gaffigan : You ever rent a movie that was released a while ago and you enjoy it, but there's kinda that awkwardness because you can't talk about it with anyone? "Hey, I just saw "Heat"!" ""Heat"? I saw that six years ago." "I... wanna talk about it now!" "No, loser." You ever talk with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending: "Aw, the book was MUCH BETTER than the movie." "Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, then I could take a nap."

• Jim Gaffigan : You ever read a book that changed your life? Me either. I don't have the attention span. Every now and then, I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation, people are like, "Hey Jim, how ya doin'?" "I read a BOOK! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great. What was it about?" "No idea! Took me two years!" You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it on a book shelf, don't ya? Like, "Hey, how was that book?" "I haven't read it." "Did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."

• Jim Gaffigan : I'm actually one of six kids, Catholic. You ever notice people from big Catholic families, they always throw that "Catholic" after the number? "Six kids, Catholic. Six kids, Catholic." Like, if you didn't hear the Catholic part, you'd think, "Six kids? His mother really likes sex. Oh, she was Catholic." I'm the youngest, and when you're the youngest of a big family, people are always like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" Y'know, the fact of the matter, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. "Hey, I'm goin' roller skating." "You're not going roller skating, you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer."

• Jim Gaffigan : Anybody a gym teacher here? You think when gym teachers are younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach, but I don't want to read. How about kickball for forty years?" I can't believe we get grades in gym class. I never used anything I learned in there. I've never been, "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I've learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy." Pope, that's a weird job, huh? Anyone Pope here?

• Jim Gaffigan : [ad-libbing reading from the Bible]  Letter from Peter to the apostles: "Uh, dear apostles, how was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Tell Jesus, "hey"."