Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica (2003–2005)

Jessica Simpson: Self

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Jessica : Why don't you open the car door for me any more? At the begining of our marriage you were so eager to open the door for me.

  Nick : Because at the beginning of our marriage I got laid.

• Jessica : Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.

• [discussing the new sheets Jessica bought] 

  Nick : How much were they?

  Jessica : Huh?

  Nick : How much? How much?

  Jessica : $1400.

  Nick : Jessica Simpson!

  Jessica : What?

  [giggles] 

  Jessica : Don't be mad. Oh, Nick, come on.

  Nick : $1400 for sheets?

  Jessica : Well, you sleep on 'em every night.

  Nick : I sleep on the ones we got now every night. I don't have a problem.

  Jessica : Well, I don't like them. I don't sleep good.

  Nick : Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets.

• Jessica : Whatever, I think they're sluts.

  Nick : [to the waiter]  Excuse me, sir, can I just get your opinion on this? Do you think the girls who work at Hooters are sluts?

  Waiter : I really don't have one opinion one way or the other.

  Nick : [Nick looks perplexed.]  Well, would you ever date one?

  Waiter : No, I'm gay.

• Jessica : What does it mean when you take a really big breath and it hurts?

  [inhales big] 

  Jessica : It hurts really bad right here.

  Nick : It means you shouldn't talk for a day and a half.

• Jessica : I could feel your teeth.

  Nick : They're not my teeth, actually.

  Jessica : Oh, I forgot. They're "ventures". No, that's dentures.

  Nick : Ventures?

  Jessica : What are they called?

  [Nick laughs] 

  Jessica : Veneers.

  [Nick laughs] 

  Jessica : I thought "dentures" and I thought "veneers". And then I came up with "ventures".

  Nick : Yeah. "Think" is the key word.

• [trying to tuck in her napkin] 

  Jessica : Not there.

  Nick : Oh, I'm sorry.

  Jessica : You'll mess up my cleavage.

  Nick : Impossible.

• Jessica : I still love you.

  Nick : What do you mean, 'I still love you.' What the hell is that supposed to mean?

  Jessica : No I mean...

  Nick : I still love you in spite of what? I still love you in spite of what?

  Jessica : In spite of your decorating.

  Nick : Well then you get off your ass and do it.

• Nick : Do you remember, right after we got married - I tried to get some in the car and you weren't having it?

  Jessica : Well, no! I wanted my first time to be in a bed. You think I'd wait that long and then go at it in a car? Ew.

• Jessica : I have bubbles in my tummy... it's just air. It's not stink. Promise.

• Jessica : My boob gets in the way.

• [after being offered Buffalo wings] 

  Jessica : No thanks. I don't eat buffalo.

• [discussing the curved champagne glass] 

  Nick : It's got a little lean to it. Kind of reminds you of something else, doesn't it?

  Jessica : Okay.

  Nick : Oh, I can't help myself.

  Jessica : Don't be nasty. And don't tell everybody you lean.

• Nick : What do you mean we're going to be in Atlantic City on our anniversary.

  Jessica : My dad didn't know it was our anniversary and he scheduled me to perform.

  Nick : Are you kidding me?

  Jessica : I wish. He doesn't know when our anniversary is.

  Nick : Oh, bulls**t he doesn't know when our anniversary is. He was at the wedding.

• Jessica : I'm complaining about the money to get a designer. That is all I'm complaining about. And I will just hire you. That's fine.

  Nick : Well how am I getting paid if you are hiring me?

  Jessica : In the bed.

  Nick : Well I want a raise. With extra benefits.

  Jessica : What are those?

  Nick : You know what I'm talking about.

• [talking on her cell phone] 

  Jessica : I'm 23, that's almost 25, and that's almost mid-twenties.

• [using "gaa" instead of "God"] 

  Jessica : Oh gaa!

  Nick : That's it, I'm going to bed.

• Jessica : I love the smell of these candles, I wonder what are they again?

  [checks label] 

  Jessica : Oh, unscented.

• Jessica : I have to go... drop some kids in the pool.

• Jessica : Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?

• Jessica : Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?

• Jessica : I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it.

• Jessica : Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?

• Jessica : Why were there mouses?

• [on the aftermath of death] 

  Jessica : Rigor who?

• Jessica : I still managed to spend $200.

  Nick : That's never been a problem with you.

• [saying why she is not going to eat the fast food] 

  Jessica : I have a hard booger in my nose, and it makes it - I think it's going to make it bleed.

• Jessica : The first thing I'm going to do is poop.

• [discussing Nick's diamond studded watch] 

  Jessica : Do you like your gift?

  Nick : I love it Baby. I like it a lot. How much did you pay for it? I'm serious. How much was it?

  Jessica : $55,000

  Nick : Fifty - are you crazy? - $55,000?

• Jessica : Well, I'm gonna take a shower. And wash off everybody's foot jam.

  Nick : [snickers]  Foot- foot jam?

  Jessica : Yeah, I mean, I was in a pool of water all day long that everybody's feet was in.

  Nick : Isn't it toe jam?

  Jessica : Whatever.

• [someone reading off restrauntant names] 

  Guy : All right, Hamburger Hamlet, Harbor House, Oriental Seafood...

  Jessica : Anal Seafood? What?

  Tina : Angel Seafood.

  Jessica : Oh.

  Guy : No, Oriental Seafood.

  Jessica : Oriental.

  [laughs] 

  Jessica : I thought he said "Anal Seafood".

• Jessica : [talking to Nick]  Lea had dinner on the table and I had dinner in grocery sacks. I'm sorry.

• Jessica : [talking on the phone]  Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties.

• Jessica : So you want to go to Home Depot today?

  Nick : I'm kissing your neck and you ask about Home Depot. What the hell is wrong with that picture?

• Nick : [walking into Home Depot]  Alright. Bee killer. Draperies.

  Jessica : No. I'm not getting my draperies at Home Depot.

• Jessica : [talking to Nick]  I like your hairy ass. If you want me to lick it, I'll lick it.

• Nick : Do you want to go have sex?

  Jessica : No.

• Jessica : You married me.

  Nick : Don't remind me!

• [Nick is trying to discuss his plans to decorate the house] 

  Jessica : You're such a girl. Why do you care? I'm going to do it.

• Nick : Listen, Miss Bossy Britches.

  Jessica : I'm asking you. I'm not bossing.

  Nick : Yes, you are.

  Jessica : I'm not. I'm asking you. Please.

  Nick : No, you didn't ask.

  Jessica : Baby, I'm drunk. Let me be bossy.

• [on plane] 

  Jessica : Oh gaa!

  Lea : Jessica!

  Nick : Shut it!

• [smelling candle] 

  Jessica : Oh, I love this scent!

  Lea : What scent is it?

  Jessica : [to friend]  Do you remember what scent this is?

  [reads label] 

  Jessica : Oh, it says it's unscented.

• Jessica : We're going to have to re-wall our house.

• Jessica : Get fired up!