Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)
Joel Heyman: Caboose, Pvt. Michael J. Caboose, O'Malley, Blue Rookie, O'Malley (Omega), Joel Heyman
Photos
Quotes
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O'Malley : And they will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... which is disgusting!
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Sarge : [several soldiers are lined outside Red Base chanting "Halo 3!"] Shut up, lunatics, or I'll throw a tear gas grenade in there and none of you will get to play!
Nerdy Soldier : Tear gas grenades? We get tear gas grenades in Halo 3? I need to go update my blog!
[runs off]
Sarge : No, wait! That's not official information! Come back!
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Tucker : [realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church : Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker : I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[brief pause*]
Tucker : I'm talkin' about women.
Church : I know, yes. I got it.
Tex : Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker : You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex : Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker : Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church : Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker : What? Then who?
[he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker : No fucking way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose : Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[the Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb : He says he's a healer.
Caboose : Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb : [chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[chuckles again*]
Caboose : Just like chiropractors!
Tucker : This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church : What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose : Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb : What the hell does that make me?
Caboose : You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb : A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose : That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker : I'm gonna fuckin' die.
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[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons : OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif : Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons : On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif : OK. OK. On three.
Caboose : Here!
Sheila : Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons : Ready?
Sheila : Acquiring targets.
Church : [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons : One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila : Target acquired.
Grif : Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
Simmons : Two...
Sheila : Target locked.
Simmons : Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons : Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons : Son of a bitch!
Grif : Son of a bitch!
Church : Son of a bitch!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker : [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church : No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons : [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!
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Church : [after Tucker and Caboose imply that "someone" has put on weight] Are you guys talking about me?
Caboose : We, uh, we didn't want to say anything...
Tucker : Right. That's why we said something.
Tucker : [Beat] Fatty.
Church : Hey, back off, guys. I've been under alot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fuckin' team!
Tucker : Where did you carry us, to the buffet?
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Grif : What the fuck was that?
Simmons : That was the weirdest match I ever played.
Church : Dude, that sucked! I got team-killed in like, the first ten seconds.
Caboose : Sorry that was my fault... Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Dude, Shut up!
Caboose : See?
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Alright, that's it. I'm muting him.
Sarge : Alright, let's play another!
Donut : Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
Sarge : Same teams?
Church : Yeah, same teams. New map.
Tucker , Church , Donut , Caboose , Simmons , Sarge , Grif : New map!
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Church #2 : There's Sheila. Sheila!
[runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol]
Church #2 : Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Church : [running off of Blue Base] Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Church #2 : [runs behind the tank] Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
Sheila : Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
Church #2 : Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
Sheila : Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
Church #2 : Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
Sheila : Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers are enabled.
Church #2 : Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, hurry.
Sheila : Extra ammo management is disabled. The friendly-fire protocol is enabled.
Church #2 : Friendly fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
Sheila : Affirmative.
Church #2 : All right. *Disable* the friendly-fire protocol.
Sheila : Friendly-fire protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by auto-lock.
Church #2 : Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
[Caboose enters the tank]
Church #2 : I want the other thing.
Sheila : [to Caboose] Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose : Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila : Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Church #2 : Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
Sheila : This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.
[drives off]
Church #2 : [left behind] Wait! Oh my God, no!
Sheila : I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
Church #2 : [chasing on foot] No no no no no no no no no no n...
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Tucker : [Tucker meets his "baby" for the first time] Uh, what do I do?
Church : Why are you asking me?
Tucker : I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it.
Church : You *planned* this? Tucker, I had no idea...
Tucker : No, no, I mean I always wanted to have that ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for, like, 8 hours every other week and send checks to someone that I hate.
Caboose : It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.
Church : All right, look, let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.
Tucker : Hey, don't leave me here with him! What am I supposed to say?
Caboose : Ask him if he likes baseball!
Church : It's an alien baby, Caboose.
Caboose : Ask him if he likes T-ball!
Church : *Alien*, Caboose. "Alien" was the keyword in that sentence.
Tucker : Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start!
Church : Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and then impregnate them! So... let's just start with that. Y'know, common ground.
Tucker : Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose : Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!
Church : CABOOSE!
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Church : [re-enters the Blue Base and hears some racket going on*] Hey Doc, what the hell is going on in there?
Frank DuFresne : Church, everything's fine. Basically, he's just resting.
Church : Doesn't sound like he's resting.
Frank DuFresne : That's not Tucker; that's our new arrival! He got a lot of energy since his first feeding.
Church : Tucker... *fed*... the baby? Gross.
Frank DuFresne : Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say: it takes a village.
Church : How'd you get him to agree to that?
Frank DuFresne : It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.
Church : But he hates needles!
Frank DuFresne : No needles! It turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's like a miracle to see nature at work!
Caboose : [arriving on the scene, looking very weak*] I feel dizzy!
Church : Uhm... is he gonna be okay?
Frank DuFresne : Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'll be crazy!
Caboose : [looking up at the ceiling*] Ooooooooo...
Frank DuFresne : Anyway, blood is pretty important. So Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness or nausea or sensitivity to light...
Caboose : I think I'm going to stop standing up now.
[falls to the ground*]
Frank DuFresne : Or passing out.
Caboose : Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice...
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[Church and Tex are in Caboose's mind and are encountering his mental images of all the characters]
Caboose's Church : Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you, so listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!
[the Reds appear from behind obstacles one by one]
Simmons : Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!
Grif : [he is wearing yellow] Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.
Lady Donut : I love Caboose and yet I'm still afraid of him.
Sarge : [in a pirate voice] Arrgh. I be havin' a southern accent. Yorgh.
Lady Donut : He's so scary.
Caboose : Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
Church : Okay woah woah woah woah woah. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing.
[to the fake Church]
Church : First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
Caboose's Church : Shove it, dick-sniffer!
Church : And Caboose? Come on, dude. Seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
Caboose : I beg your pardon?
Church : First of all, that guy,
[Grif]
Church : he's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
Lady Donut : My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
Sarge : Argh. I got termites in me leg.
Church : And that is not a southern accent.
Sarge : Arr.
Lady Donut : Do you have any tampons?
Church : Seriously, what is the matter with you people?
Tex : Calm down, Church!
Grif : Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick!
Caboose's Church : Hey butt-brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! Shut your pie-hole!
-
Caboose : Please don't go.
Sheila : I am... not leaving.
Caboose : Oh good. Good. Stay.
Sheila : You are acting strangely, and I would like to find out why.
Caboose : Oh, OK. Um...
Sheila : Caboose, the Omega AI has been missing, and everyone has been attempting to find him. If you continue to act erratically, they may mistakenly think he is inside of you, and take drastic measures against you.
Caboose : Oh, I wouldn't want them to do that.
Sheila : Exactly. Luckily, I know where Omega is.
Caboose : You do? Where?
Sheila : He is inside Blarrrrr...
[Tex just shut down Sheila]
Tex : Got it!
Caboose : Who is Blarrr... Blerr...
