Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)
Matt Hullum: Sarge, Doc, O'Malley, Medical Officer Frank DuFresne, Meta, Wyoming, Maine, The Meta, Colonel Sarge, Sarge \ Doc, Agent Maine, Agent Wyoming, Matt Hullum, Medical Officer Frank 'Doc' DuFresne, Sarge \ Wyoming
Photos
Quotes
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Sarge : Ho, ho, ho... dirtbag.
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Sarge : [several soldiers are lined outside Red Base chanting "Halo 3!"] Shut up, lunatics, or I'll throw a tear gas grenade in there and none of you will get to play!
Nerdy Soldier : Tear gas grenades? We get tear gas grenades in Halo 3? I need to go update my blog!
[runs off]
Sarge : No, wait! That's not official information! Come back!
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Sarge : [Tex has finished repairing Shelia, and is now attacking the Red Base. Sarge is in the Warthog and radios Simmons] Simmons, I'm comin' around in the Warthog. Take the gunner position when I come by.
Simmons : Right, Sir.
Grif : I'll, uh, I'll just stay here.
Simmons : Yeah. Stay and guard this cement wreck. It's vital to our success.
[Simmons jumps into the gunner position of the Warthog]
Simmons : I'm in, sir.
Sarge : [they drive off towards Sheila] Good. Here's the plan, Simmons
[Tex blasts the Warthog, and Simmons flies off]
Sarge : Yowza!
Grif : [Sarge and Simmons run back to Red Base] Wow. You guys back so soon? Win the war already?
Simmons : Hey Sarge, you mind telling me the rest of the plan now?
Sarge : If we survive this, I'm gonna kill the both of you... slowly...
Sheila : [Shelia is still firing at the Red Base] Firing main cannon.
Donut : [Donut runs up the stairs, while Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are cowarding in the other staircase] What are you guys doing up here?
Grif : That chick with the black armor is back!
Donut : What chick? The one who stuck a grenade to my head?
Simmons : That's the one!
Donut : The one who's the reason why I'm in this Light Red Armor?
Grif : Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but it's so much faster just to say Pink.
Donut : Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...
[runs to edge of base, towards Sheila]
Donut : HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!
[Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker : [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade] Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex : [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut : HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!
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Grif : [*Grif starts his "eulogy" for the "dead" Sarge*] Hey everybody, it's great to be here! Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge? I mean, besides "good riddance!"? Hoooo!
[*both he and his sister chuckle*]
Grif : Ha-ha. But seriously. Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Ha-ha-ha-ha! You know what I'm talkin' about.
Sarge : Come on! Is this a remembrance or a roast?
Grif : Quiet in the front row! And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo!
Simmons : Too soon!
Grif : Hey now.
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Grif : What about HD DVD?
Sarge : Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy, so it's being replaced with HHDDVVDDBVD.
Tucker : [speaking to Grif and Simmons about the jeep they are repairing] All my life I've had girls tell me 'Not if you were the last man on Earth' ha ha. Well that may be true, but lets see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet ass pimped out ride Bitch!
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Grif : What the fuck was that?
Simmons : That was the weirdest match I ever played.
Church : Dude, that sucked! I got team-killed in like, the first ten seconds.
Caboose : Sorry that was my fault... Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Dude, Shut up!
Caboose : See?
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Alright, that's it. I'm muting him.
Sarge : Alright, let's play another!
Donut : Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
Sarge : Same teams?
Church : Yeah, same teams. New map.
Tucker , Church , Donut , Caboose , Simmons , Sarge , Grif : New map!
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[PSA presenting the difference between Real Life and the Internet. Title card reads "Discussing Politics: Real Life"]
Church : [calmly, but assertively] Look, that's just how I feel about it.
Sarge : Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
[title card appears reading "Discussing Politics: the Internet", and suddenly cut into a chaotic battlefield]
Church : [shouts] You deserve to die! Die and go to hell and burn!
Sarge : [shouts] Well, I hope you get raped? twice! Then maybe you'll feel differently? Jerk!
Grif : We don't *need* to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to *want* to! That's how it works!
Simmons : I voted for Nader; I hate everyone!
Frank DuFresne : Have you considered changing your homepage to MoveOn.org?
Donut : Politics gets me sooo horny! Check out my webcam pics at PresidentialSluts.com!
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Church : [re-enters the Blue Base and hears some racket going on*] Hey Doc, what the hell is going on in there?
Frank DuFresne : Church, everything's fine. Basically, he's just resting.
Church : Doesn't sound like he's resting.
Frank DuFresne : That's not Tucker; that's our new arrival! He got a lot of energy since his first feeding.
Church : Tucker... *fed*... the baby? Gross.
Frank DuFresne : Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say: it takes a village.
Church : How'd you get him to agree to that?
Frank DuFresne : It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.
Church : But he hates needles!
Frank DuFresne : No needles! It turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's like a miracle to see nature at work!
Caboose : [arriving on the scene, looking very weak*] I feel dizzy!
Church : Uhm... is he gonna be okay?
Frank DuFresne : Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'll be crazy!
Caboose : [looking up at the ceiling*] Ooooooooo...
Frank DuFresne : Anyway, blood is pretty important. So Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness or nausea or sensitivity to light...
Caboose : I think I'm going to stop standing up now.
[falls to the ground*]
Frank DuFresne : Or passing out.
Caboose : Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice...
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Vic : Hey dude.
Church : Vic! Hey, it's Church.
Vic : This is Vic, at 555-V-I-C-K, doo doodleydoo. I'm not in the casita right now so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta.
Church : Hey Vic, this is Church. I need ta...
Vics voicemail : You have reached the voice mail system.
Church : [sighs] Okay okay, come on.
Vics voicemail : To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
Church : I know how to leave a goddamned message.
Vics voicemail : When you are finished recording, just hang up, or push pound for more options.
Church : Really, "Hang up," no shit. I was just going to keep on talkin' until he decided to check his voicemail.
Vics voicemail : For delivery options, press five.
Church : [angrily] Just give me the damn beep!
Vics voicemail : To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six.
Church : *COME ON*!
Vics voicemail : To repeat this message, press nine.
Church : [evenly] I will fucking stab you computer phone lady!
Vics voicemail : [some time later] To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
Church : [yelling] There is no eleven you *fucking WHORE*!
Frank DuFresne : Ooh, language.
Vics voicemail : [some more time later] To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
Church : I *hate you*!
Vics voicemail : [beep]
Church : Vic, it's Church. I need y...
Vics voicemail : I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full.
Church : [frustrated] Uhchmmm... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.
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[Church and Tex are in Caboose's mind and are encountering his mental images of all the characters]
Caboose's Church : Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you, so listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!
[the Reds appear from behind obstacles one by one]
Simmons : Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!
Grif : [he is wearing yellow] Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.
Lady Donut : I love Caboose and yet I'm still afraid of him.
Sarge : [in a pirate voice] Arrgh. I be havin' a southern accent. Yorgh.
Lady Donut : He's so scary.
Caboose : Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
Church : Okay woah woah woah woah woah. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing.
[to the fake Church]
Church : First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
Caboose's Church : Shove it, dick-sniffer!
Church : And Caboose? Come on, dude. Seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
Caboose : I beg your pardon?
Church : First of all, that guy,
[Grif]
Church : he's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
Lady Donut : My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
Sarge : Argh. I got termites in me leg.
Church : And that is not a southern accent.
Sarge : Arr.
Lady Donut : Do you have any tampons?
Church : Seriously, what is the matter with you people?
Tex : Calm down, Church!
Grif : Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick!
Caboose's Church : Hey butt-brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! Shut your pie-hole!
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Simmons : Do you know what weapons we'll be using?
Sarge : Weapons. They're gonna be great!
Church : Okay awesome, what are they?
Sarge : That information is only given to people with the proper clearance.
Church : What's the proper clearance?
Sarge : Sorry, that information is only given on a need-to-know basis.
Church : Do I need to know?
Sarge : That's top secret!
Church : This sucks.
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Church : What's the big scoop?
Sarge : That the campaign is going to be great, and, you're really, going, to, enjoy it. That, is all. Thank you for your time.
Church : Wait a second, that's it? That's the big announcement? That we're going to enjoy the new campaign?
Sarge : No, that you're really going to enjoy it. Oh, and the part about it being great.
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Grif : So all we know is that there's gonna be some kind of an upcoming campaign...
Sarge : Possibly.
Grif : And that the Spartans will be involved in it...
Sarge : Those are your words.
Grif : But that we can't know anything...
Sarge : I can't say.
Grif : Including who we're fighting...
Sarge : I have no comment for the subject.
Grif : Or if we're even fighting in it...
Sarge : Sarge: I plead the fifth.
Grif : Or when it even starts...
Sarge : I refer you to my previous statement.
Grif : But that it's going to be great.
Sarge : I feel comfortable confirming that. Wait- Yes.
Grif : ...well I'm totally stoked!
Simmons : Kickass!
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Sarge : Doctor Turd I presume!
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Sister : Oh my god. Head.
Frank DuFresne : Okay please, really, no more stories.
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Gary : [Tucker is aware of Wyoming rewinding time] He knows.
Wyoming : How the devil is he keeping up with us?
Gary : Irrelevant. Eliminate him.
