Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)
Jason Saldaña: Tucker, Pvt. Lavernius Tucker, Junior
Photos
Quotes
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Tucker : You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
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Baby Alien : [Tucker makes a comment about Tex] Bow-chicka-honk-honk!
Doc : Well, I guess you HAVE been teaching him some things.
Tucker : Teach? That shit's genetic!
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[repeated line]
Tucker : Bow Chicka Bow Wow.
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Tucker : [realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church : Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker : I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[brief pause*]
Tucker : I'm talkin' about women.
Church : I know, yes. I got it.
Tex : Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker : You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex : Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker : Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church : Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker : What? Then who?
[he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker : No fucking way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose : Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[the Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb : He says he's a healer.
Caboose : Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb : [chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[chuckles again*]
Caboose : Just like chiropractors!
Tucker : This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church : What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose : Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb : What the hell does that make me?
Caboose : You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb : A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose : That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker : I'm gonna fuckin' die.
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[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons : OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif : Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons : On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif : OK. OK. On three.
Caboose : Here!
Sheila : Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons : Ready?
Sheila : Acquiring targets.
Church : [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons : One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila : Target acquired.
Grif : Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
Simmons : Two...
Sheila : Target locked.
Simmons : Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons : Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons : Son of a bitch!
Grif : Son of a bitch!
Church : Son of a bitch!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker : [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church : No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons : [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!
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Sarge : [Tex has finished repairing Shelia, and is now attacking the Red Base. Sarge is in the Warthog and radios Simmons] Simmons, I'm comin' around in the Warthog. Take the gunner position when I come by.
Simmons : Right, Sir.
Grif : I'll, uh, I'll just stay here.
Simmons : Yeah. Stay and guard this cement wreck. It's vital to our success.
[Simmons jumps into the gunner position of the Warthog]
Simmons : I'm in, sir.
Sarge : [they drive off towards Sheila] Good. Here's the plan, Simmons
[Tex blasts the Warthog, and Simmons flies off]
Sarge : Yowza!
Grif : [Sarge and Simmons run back to Red Base] Wow. You guys back so soon? Win the war already?
Simmons : Hey Sarge, you mind telling me the rest of the plan now?
Sarge : If we survive this, I'm gonna kill the both of you... slowly...
Sheila : [Shelia is still firing at the Red Base] Firing main cannon.
Donut : [Donut runs up the stairs, while Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are cowarding in the other staircase] What are you guys doing up here?
Grif : That chick with the black armor is back!
Donut : What chick? The one who stuck a grenade to my head?
Simmons : That's the one!
Donut : The one who's the reason why I'm in this Light Red Armor?
Grif : Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but it's so much faster just to say Pink.
Donut : Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...
[runs to edge of base, towards Sheila]
Donut : HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!
[Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker : [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade] Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex : [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut : HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!
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Church : [after Tucker and Caboose imply that "someone" has put on weight] Are you guys talking about me?
Caboose : We, uh, we didn't want to say anything...
Tucker : Right. That's why we said something.
Tucker : [Beat] Fatty.
Church : Hey, back off, guys. I've been under alot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fuckin' team!
Tucker : Where did you carry us, to the buffet?
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Grif : What about HD DVD?
Sarge : Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy, so it's being replaced with HHDDVVDDBVD.
Tucker : [speaking to Grif and Simmons about the jeep they are repairing] All my life I've had girls tell me 'Not if you were the last man on Earth' ha ha. Well that may be true, but lets see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet ass pimped out ride Bitch!
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Grif : What the fuck was that?
Simmons : That was the weirdest match I ever played.
Church : Dude, that sucked! I got team-killed in like, the first ten seconds.
Caboose : Sorry that was my fault... Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Dude, Shut up!
Caboose : See?
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Alright, that's it. I'm muting him.
Sarge : Alright, let's play another!
Donut : Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
Sarge : Same teams?
Church : Yeah, same teams. New map.
Tucker , Church , Donut , Caboose , Simmons , Sarge , Grif : New map!
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Tucker : Church, it hasn't been the best holiday, but I think I found the perfect gift for you. Merry Christmas buddy.
Church : I thought we agreed not to get each other anything this year.
Tucker : No we didn't.
Church : Oh. Well, maybe I'm mistaken.
Tucker : Mistaken? You specifically told me to get you something.
Church : I did?
Tucker : You gave me a catalogue with stuff circled in it.
Church : Huh, doesn't ring a bell.
Tucker : You set a budget for us, between 300 and 350.
Church : Oh well, I guess its just one of those things.
Tucker : Fuck you, I'm keeping it.
Church : Tucker, isn't Christmas the season of giving... Holy shit blue Santa.
Tucker : Where?
[He Looks and sees nothing. When he looks back for Church he is gone, along with the present]
Tucker : Aww crap.
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Tucker : [Tucker meets his "baby" for the first time] Uh, what do I do?
Church : Why are you asking me?
Tucker : I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it.
Church : You *planned* this? Tucker, I had no idea...
Tucker : No, no, I mean I always wanted to have that ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for, like, 8 hours every other week and send checks to someone that I hate.
Caboose : It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.
Church : All right, look, let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.
Tucker : Hey, don't leave me here with him! What am I supposed to say?
Caboose : Ask him if he likes baseball!
Church : It's an alien baby, Caboose.
Caboose : Ask him if he likes T-ball!
Church : *Alien*, Caboose. "Alien" was the keyword in that sentence.
Tucker : Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start!
Church : Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and then impregnate them! So... let's just start with that. Y'know, common ground.
Tucker : Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose : Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!
Church : CABOOSE!
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Tucker : We're all getting lumps of coal for Christmas, aren't we?
Church : Fuck no! You know how much coal costs? It's like five bucks a ton! I'm not spending that kind of money on you. You're all getting lumps of smoal.
Tucker : What the heck is smoal?
Church : It's a knockoff synthetic coal. It's just as good as the real thing. Except when you burn it it doesn't make any heat, it just makes smoke.
Tucker : What? How the hell does it burn without making any heat?
Church : How do I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal!
