Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)
Gustavo Sorola: Simmons, Pvt. Dick Simmons, Pvt. Dick Simmons 2.0, Gene, Cyclops, Gus Sorola
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Quotes
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[Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them]
Simmons : OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Grif : Wait. On three, or three and then go?
Simmons : On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Grif : OK. OK. On three.
Caboose : Here!
Sheila : Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.
Simmons : Ready?
Sheila : Acquiring targets.
Church : [to Tucker] I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Simmons : One...
[Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell]
Sheila : Target acquired.
Grif : Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
Simmons : Two...
Sheila : Target locked.
Simmons : Three!
[Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone]
Simmons : Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog]
Simmons : Son of a bitch!
Grif : Son of a bitch!
Church : Son of a bitch!
Sheila : Firing main cannon.
[Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank]
Tucker : [to Church] Hey dude, the jeep blew up!
Church : No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!
Simmons : [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at] "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!
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Church : [watching red team through a sniper scope] Okay, so the red guy is Sarge, their leader, which is lucky for us, because he's not a very good leader.
Simmons : Yeah.
Church : And that's Donut. I like Donut. He's pretty harmless, I don't think he'd hurt a fly.
Simmons : Plus he's kinda...
Church : What?
Simmons : Well... y' know...
Church : Actually, I don't know.
Simmons : Well, he's kinda into girly things. Like, feelings, and...
Church : I think you're projecting.
Simmons : I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation.
Church : I don't know. You seem pretty defensive for someone who's "not projecting".
Simmons : His armour is PINK.
Church : Pink? I wouldn't say pink. More of a... slightly less red.
Simmons : It's pink, okay? I know pink when I see it!
Church : I'm sure you do! You wanna talk about it?
Simmons : NO.
Church : And last is Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying. But at least he's smart. I think he's smarter than anyone, really.
Simmons : You mean smarter than all the people there are now, right?
Church : No, I mean all of them put together! There was this one guy, in maroon armour, I haven't seen him in a while, but he was a frickin' KNOW IT ALL! He walked around like he owned the place, but no one listened to him, and they didn't really like him.
Simmons : What did they say?
Church : Oh, just that he wasn't good at stuff, and he was dumb, and stuff he liked was dumb, and he wasn't as attractive as other people.
Simmons : [trying not to cry]
[sniff]
Simmons : Sounds like a real jerk!
[runs off]
Church : Hey, where are you going?
Simmons : [sobbing] I have to go to the bathroom!
Church : Well, could you hurry it up? I need to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner!
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Sarge : [Tex has finished repairing Shelia, and is now attacking the Red Base. Sarge is in the Warthog and radios Simmons] Simmons, I'm comin' around in the Warthog. Take the gunner position when I come by.
Simmons : Right, Sir.
Grif : I'll, uh, I'll just stay here.
Simmons : Yeah. Stay and guard this cement wreck. It's vital to our success.
[Simmons jumps into the gunner position of the Warthog]
Simmons : I'm in, sir.
Sarge : [they drive off towards Sheila] Good. Here's the plan, Simmons
[Tex blasts the Warthog, and Simmons flies off]
Sarge : Yowza!
Grif : [Sarge and Simmons run back to Red Base] Wow. You guys back so soon? Win the war already?
Simmons : Hey Sarge, you mind telling me the rest of the plan now?
Sarge : If we survive this, I'm gonna kill the both of you... slowly...
Sheila : [Shelia is still firing at the Red Base] Firing main cannon.
Donut : [Donut runs up the stairs, while Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are cowarding in the other staircase] What are you guys doing up here?
Grif : That chick with the black armor is back!
Donut : What chick? The one who stuck a grenade to my head?
Simmons : That's the one!
Donut : The one who's the reason why I'm in this Light Red Armor?
Grif : Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but it's so much faster just to say Pink.
Donut : Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...
[runs to edge of base, towards Sheila]
Donut : HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!
[Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker : [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade] Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex : [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut : HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!
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Grif : [*Grif starts his "eulogy" for the "dead" Sarge*] Hey everybody, it's great to be here! Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge? I mean, besides "good riddance!"? Hoooo!
[*both he and his sister chuckle*]
Grif : Ha-ha. But seriously. Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Ha-ha-ha-ha! You know what I'm talkin' about.
Sarge : Come on! Is this a remembrance or a roast?
Grif : Quiet in the front row! And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo!
Simmons : Too soon!
Grif : Hey now.
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Grif : What the fuck was that?
Simmons : That was the weirdest match I ever played.
Church : Dude, that sucked! I got team-killed in like, the first ten seconds.
Caboose : Sorry that was my fault... Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Dude, Shut up!
Caboose : See?
Tucker : BOM CHICKA BOW WOW!
Church : Alright, that's it. I'm muting him.
Sarge : Alright, let's play another!
Donut : Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
Sarge : Same teams?
Church : Yeah, same teams. New map.
Tucker , Church , Donut , Caboose , Simmons , Sarge , Grif : New map!
-
Grif : Hey, you're back! How'd the Humpday thing go?
Simmons : Umm...
Church : Oh, it went great, as long as you weren't on our team.
Grif : So you lost.
Church : Yeah, unless there's some new game type where you're supposed to catch the most amount of bullets with your torso. In which case, Simmons was the clear victor.
-
[PSA presenting the difference between Real Life and the Internet. Title card reads "Discussing Politics: Real Life"]
Church : [calmly, but assertively] Look, that's just how I feel about it.
Sarge : Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
[title card appears reading "Discussing Politics: the Internet", and suddenly cut into a chaotic battlefield]
Church : [shouts] You deserve to die! Die and go to hell and burn!
Sarge : [shouts] Well, I hope you get raped? twice! Then maybe you'll feel differently? Jerk!
Grif : We don't *need* to find weapons of mass destruction, we just need to *want* to! That's how it works!
Simmons : I voted for Nader; I hate everyone!
Frank DuFresne : Have you considered changing your homepage to MoveOn.org?
Donut : Politics gets me sooo horny! Check out my webcam pics at PresidentialSluts.com!
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[during a Public Service Announcement asking NASA to stop sending Mars rovers to Blood Gulch]
Simmons : At least Grif figured out how to turn them into skateboards.
Grif : [Grif runs past the camera very fast] Whoohoo!
Simmons : Hey! Sarge says you're supposed to wear a helmet!
Grif : [Off camera] I'm gonna build a ramp! Who wants to help?
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Sister : [*Simmons has threatened to call Red Command to confirm that Grif and his sister have to run*] You keep talking about them! Why don't you call *our* guys?
Grif : "Our" guys?
Sister : Yeah! The Blue guys!
Simmons : Excuse me, the wazza-wha?
Sister : The Blue guys! The guys that sent me here! In the big ship!
Simmons : Grif?
Grif : Uh, yeah... this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my sister is colorblind.
Simmons : WHAT?
Sister : I don't get it! What's the gray guy so upset about?
Simmons : But girls can't be colorblind!
Sister : Yeah? Well, they say girls can't ejaculate either! But guess what?
Grif : Yeah! Wait, what?
Simmons : I can't believe it! It was such a simple espionage plan, the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick, quick, get me a shovel! Oh, Sarge is gonna be pissed!...
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[Church and Tex are in Caboose's mind and are encountering his mental images of all the characters]
Caboose's Church : Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you, so listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!
[the Reds appear from behind obstacles one by one]
Simmons : Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!
Grif : [he is wearing yellow] Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.
Lady Donut : I love Caboose and yet I'm still afraid of him.
Sarge : [in a pirate voice] Arrgh. I be havin' a southern accent. Yorgh.
Lady Donut : He's so scary.
Caboose : Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
Church : Okay woah woah woah woah woah. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing.
[to the fake Church]
Church : First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
Caboose's Church : Shove it, dick-sniffer!
Church : And Caboose? Come on, dude. Seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
Caboose : I beg your pardon?
Church : First of all, that guy,
[Grif]
Church : he's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
Lady Donut : My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
Sarge : Argh. I got termites in me leg.
Church : And that is not a southern accent.
Sarge : Arr.
Lady Donut : Do you have any tampons?
Church : Seriously, what is the matter with you people?
Tex : Calm down, Church!
Grif : Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick!
Caboose's Church : Hey butt-brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! Shut your pie-hole!
-
Simmons : Do you know what weapons we'll be using?
Sarge : Weapons. They're gonna be great!
Church : Okay awesome, what are they?
Sarge : That information is only given to people with the proper clearance.
Church : What's the proper clearance?
Sarge : Sorry, that information is only given on a need-to-know basis.
Church : Do I need to know?
Sarge : That's top secret!
Church : This sucks.
-
Grif : So all we know is that there's gonna be some kind of an upcoming campaign...
Sarge : Possibly.
Grif : And that the Spartans will be involved in it...
Sarge : Those are your words.
Grif : But that we can't know anything...
Sarge : I can't say.
Grif : Including who we're fighting...
Sarge : I have no comment for the subject.
Grif : Or if we're even fighting in it...
Sarge : Sarge: I plead the fifth.
Grif : Or when it even starts...
Sarge : I refer you to my previous statement.
Grif : But that it's going to be great.
Sarge : I feel comfortable confirming that. Wait- Yes.
Grif : ...well I'm totally stoked!
Simmons : Kickass!
-
Simmons : Andy, is that you?
Andy The Bomb : No, I'm the other talking bomb. Francis. Pleased to meet ya, dickheads!
-
Grif : [Sarge has gone off to look for a levitation ray in order to get the crash-landed ship off of Donut*]
[sighs*]
Grif : Sarge just drove away with our Jack, didn't he?
Simmons : And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.
Church : [appearing behind them*] The fuck you guys doing out here? You're breaking the canyons!
Grif : Fuck off, Blue! The ship just crashed on one of our guys!
Church : What, this ship?
Simmons : [sarcastically*] No, another ship! Then that ship left and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
Church : Where'd it come from?
Grif : It's a spaceship. It came from *space*.
Church : [momentary pause*] ... Dibs.
Simmons : What?
Church : Dibs. I just called dibs. It's my ship now. Dibs.
Simmons : No it isn't, jackass! We found it first!
Church : Yeah, but you didn't call dibs; I did. Dibs. See?
Grif : You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!
Church : Heh, yes I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can.
Simmons : Don't call me "Tomato Can"!
Grif : Try and take it then!
Church : Um, okay... Sheila?
[Sheila suddenly appears behind Church*]
Sheila : You bet!
[points her turret at Simmons and Grif*]
Grif : Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you?
Simmons : Yeah, kinda.
Sheila : Now step away from the ship, Tomato Can!
Grif : Ha ha, "Tomato Can"!
Sheila : You too, Lemon Head!
Grif : Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!
