Mon, Oct 4, 2004
Megan invites Bernie Widmer to her school's professional guest-speaker day and only "allows" her dad to join in with a long list of stringent conditions. Despite Will's warning that it's such a tough crowd, even senator-astronaut John Glenn was crying when booed away, Tony prepares a speech and bribes a kid to queue him a "spontaneous question", but they could both have spared themselves the trouble: everybody hangs on big ex-jock Bernie's lips and ignores O-shaped tiny Tony. Furious when Bernie also turns up at home just in time to scare off a nasty cheater, Tony takes it out on his partner on-air, making a total ass of himself, and walks off claiming he will no longer deprive his family of his priceless presence, which in fact is all but prized, barely welcome, and doesn't work out for him either.
Mon, Mar 21, 2005
Megan is thrilled to get the part of Gretel in the local community theater until the director asks Tony to play Hansel, figuring that his "celebrity" status will boost audience attendance. When Tony starts to drive everyone crazy and tries to take over the production, Megan and the rest of the cast realize that, in order to save the show, they must band together to get rid of Tony--quickly.
Mon, Jan 17, 2005
When ever-docile Mikey follows his girlfriend Rebecca to Gettysburg, five hours away, for her dad's battle re-enactment, Tony tells sonny his life is about to be totally taken over by the other sex--bad advice according to womanizer Bernie, who isn't making any headway with new studio crew member Susan himself. Tony and Dana didn't even know their previous neighbors' names and now practically ignore their successors, until they realizes that they were the only ones in the neighborhood who weren't invited to their first barbecue, even after they bring them a bottle of wine. When Tony finally manages to invite equally aloof Andy and Jane McKillop to dinner, everything conspires to make the worst possible impression.
Mon, Feb 14, 2005
When Bernie has an insurance-required colonoscopy (a miniature camera on a tube right up the rectum), Tony is loudly approving and supportive as he tags along for moral support--but Dr. Lou Swerling seizes the opportunity to schedule Tony for the next morning. Giving Mickey's hospital orderly observations and Dana's "childbirth's worse" routine, he can't even milk it for sympathy. It gets worse: Swerling finds a probably benign polyp but still schedules Tony's butt for the scalpel next day. His attempts to sneak out are foreseen and countered. While he is being prepped, Swerling recognizes Dana as a college date's friend, and Tony fears being "conveniently lost in OR" and runs, albeit only to maternity. So the surgery goes through, but the weirdest twist is in the tail.
Mon, Feb 7, 2005
When construction workers whistle at Tony and Dana, not for her looks but as his show's fans, he decides to concentrate on better fan contacts. She feels she needs a rougher, sexy angle, and after consulting Bernie she gets a Chinese character tattooed on her butt. Tony protests that's "half his" body, to which she replies that he must lose 20--or at least 10--pounds from "their" body, for which Tony crankily blames Bernie. Megan sees sweet Mickey's adored girlfriend Brooke blatantly kissing another boy in public, but he refuses to believe it. When Brooke passes the other boy off as her nonexistent Latvian cousin when it's really Mickey's lab partner, even meek Mickey must mark the truth.
Mon, Apr 25, 2005
The TV station sends Tony and Bernie on a promotion trip to Las Vegas, but since that means not sharing her favorite Elvis marathon, Dana makes him take her and the kids along so they can celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary there as a family. Mickey and Megan are refused casino entry, being underage, but figure there must be many teenagers thus afflicted and set up their own gaming table in their hotel room, and a more experienced local little girl proves a thorny twist... Conflicting loyalties soon cause a row between the spouses, so Bernie takes Tony to a strip-club, but hearing that the lap dancer is called Megan makes him turn paternal and entreat her to return to home and study; then he surprises Dana, who painstakingly resists the tenacious overtures of showman Teller and his mate Penn Jilette.
Mon, Oct 25, 2004
When ever-gentle son Mickey literally swallows a bee, he and dad Tony decide to let him finish the last hole of his golf course before rushing him and the tournament cup to the hospital. Dana is appalled by such poor prioritizing but has bad news: Mickey's report card is a crushing testimony to his inability to combine top-level golf practice--his best shot at a college scholarship--with limited academic talent. Bernie makes Tony admit that any sports career is far too fragile to rely upon, but then Mickey, who has taken up hospital volunteer work, says he wants to be there when doctors save lives in ER, so Tony thinks he has his little heart set on medical studies. Alas, when proud pa interviews sonny dear on his own TV show, Mickey points out he wants to become a humble orderly: no college required. Yet at the hospital Tony sees that doing the shitty (bedpans!) jobs nobody wants makes both patients and his kind kid sincerely happy. Meanwhile. Megan maintains that if Mickey isn't forced to get good grades, she can slack off a little....lot.
Mon, Nov 22, 2004
Bernie's widowed mother Pamela Widmer is a bossy know-it-all who lives alone since he moved out but still has 'Bernard' whipped, so he keeps her at arm's-length except for family traditions such as flying over for the elaborate Thanksgiving dinner, and this year he got her and his crazy girlfriend Kiara (his mother's type, he hopes) invited to Tony's home, where Dana finds that she can't do a thing alone (well, not quite right) and sweet son Mickey is 'skinny,' as if Dana didn't feed her family properly (only true compared to O-shaped giant Bernie). Mickey and Megan wrestle with the table-leaf, which is in a sad state after years of non- and misuse. The men couldn't resist betting on the football game by phone, but Pamela must not find out.
Mon, Nov 8, 2004
Sick and tired of his wife outclassing him with cooler gifts Tony bets that he can do better for his pa Max's birthday. Since Max, who lives in Tampa, is addicted to the Weather Channel, Tony decides on surprise congratulations during a walk-on there. Alas, the station's executive producer Sal Vedetti expects a favor back: a formal dance date for his horrible daughter Loretta with Tony's cute boy Mickey, who is told that Grandpa's heroic war generation deserves a sacrifice out of gratitude, and bites the bitter apple. Alas, Max has an unexpected idea.
Mon, Nov 29, 2004
Megan is happy with a box of dad's old clothes mailed by grandma, as "ugly old clothes" are in. Megan didn't give her soccer team's final a single thought despite dad's efforts, but by pure luck her averted head happens to be on the equally accidental path of the winning goal. Tony declares her the sports hero of the century, filling an entire episode of his TV program with Bernie to her accession to the Temple of Sports. Good son Mickey, whose devotion to golf was always boundless, ditches class the next day, neglects his clubs, and sneaks out, all firsts; Megan attributes this to Dad's "hippie period" diary--and the weed that they found in his 1970s pants. Tony finds deeply-disappointed Mickey practicing golf and gets arrested as trespasser in possession, but the kid's bone is of another, younger, meaner nature..