Veronica Mars (2004–2019)

Kristen Bell: Veronica Mars

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Quotes 

• Veronica : Look at you, all helpful.

  Logan : Hey, your peskiness being unleashed on Conner brings me joy. Annoy, tiny blonde one, annoy like the wind!

• Lamb : [reading $100 bill]  Veronica Mars is... smarter than me...

  Veronica : Oh, you stop it!

• Keith : So how was your date?

  Veronica : Oh, you know. Lousy conversation, but the sex was fantastic!

  Keith : That's not funny.

  Veronica : I don't know. I'm pretty sure it was.

• [Veronica is trying to change a flat tire] 

  Troy : Flat?

  Veronica : Just as God made me.

• Veronica : Got any enemies you know about?

  Wallace : Well, there's the Klan.

• Veronica : I know I'm late. Sorry honey.

  [gives Logan a peck on the cheek, whispers in his ear] 

  Veronica : So I talked to this guy on the phone, let me handle it, he's a bit prickly.

  [they approach the desk] 

  Desk Manager : May I help you?

  Veronica : You may. My fiancee and I are looking for a honeymoon suite.

  Desk Manager : Oh how wonderful. These are our more affordable packages. The rooms run $350 for courtyard and $450 for full. On the weekends of course it's a two night minimum.

  Veronica : Of course. Here's a little bit more what I had in mind.

  [Veronica brings out a big wedding planner book and starts to flip through it as she shows off a big diamond ring] 

  Logan : [playing along]  Wow, sugar puss, you've certainly been a busy little bee.

  [Veronica and Logan share a fake laugh] 

  Logan : Oh, she's a keeper.

• Wallace : My mom thinks I'm staying at Norman's house.

  Veronica : Who's Norman?

  Wallace : Norman is my imaginary, straight-A, Eagle Scout, mama's boy friend.

  Veronica : He sounds boring for an imaginary friend.

  Wallace : Mom seems to like him.

• Meg : You believe me, right?

  Veronica : You are the last good person here at Neptune High. I believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

• Jackson Douglas : I hear you do detective stuff for people.

  Veronica : I do favors for friends.

  Jackson Douglas : I can pay.

  Veronica : Sit down, friend.

• Veronica : [surprising the Tritons with a camera]  Hi, everyone! Say "repressed homosexuality"!

• Veronica : [voiceover]  Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.

• Logan : [standing in front of Veronica's car]  Do you have any idea what your little joke cost me?

  Veronica : Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.

  Logan : [smashes Veronica's headlights with a crowbar]  Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?

  Veronica : Clearly your sense of humor...

• Keith : How's about an early peek at one of your Christmas presents?

  Veronica : What about our strict "Christmas morning only" rule?

  Keith : This Christmas, we make our own rules. Follow me!

  Veronica : [following Keith to her bedroom]  I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room!

• Veronica : I just don't want you to get your hopes up.

  Logan : I'm not paying you to worry about my health, I'm paying you to follow leads.

  Veronica : I wasn't aware you were paying me.

  Logan : This isn't a favor. It's a job you know. We're not exchanging friendship bracelets.

  Veronica : I'll stop braiding.

• Veronica : If I ever die, do me a favor. Go on Oprah and tell the world that I loved kittens.

• Veronica : [enter Keith]  And...

  Keith : [happy]  Who's your Daddy?

  Veronica : I hate it when you say that.

  Keith : This is important, you remember this, I used to be cool.

  Veronica : When?

  Keith : '77. Trans-Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, foxy, stacked blond riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything. I was never cool.

  Veronica : I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked".

• Veronica : Am I naked? Because in my nightmares I'm usually naked.

• Keith : Didn't he get busted for murder?

  Veronica : Assault.

  Keith : See? He's not even a very good murderer.

• Keith : I never want you to think that your mom is the villain in all of this.

  Veronica : Isn't she?

  Keith : No, it's not that simple...

  Veronica : Yeah it is. The hero is the one that stays... and the villain is the one that splits.

• Meg : All of a sudden everyone's running up to me, saying how they never believed I did those things...

  Veronica : I'm glad. Funny, no one's come running up to me.

  Meg : It's because people are afraid of you.

  Veronica : Then something's working...

• Veronica : It's all fun and games till one of you gets my foot up your ass.

• Weevil : Hey, you want a sody-pop?

  Veronica : Actually, I think I want something with a little more kick.

  [grabs Duncan's whiskey bottle and starts chugging it] 

  Veronica : Hmm, iced tea. How very musical theater of you.

• Veronica : So, my grandma Reynolds was always saying 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' I wish she was still alive, because I'd really like to ask her what she suggests for when life gives you Chlamydia.

• Veronica : I hope we're still friends after I taser you.

• Veronica : [voiceover discussing her date rape]  You want to know how I lost my virginity? So do I.

• Troy : I'm Troy, by the way.

  Veronica : I'm Veronica.

  Troy : Really? Veronica. Okay, yeah, that does make a lot more sense.

  Veronica : Makes more sense how?

  Troy : Ah, it's nothing. I just should never listen to those guys. I mean, really, who names their daughter Trampy McBitch?

• Veronica : Butters?

  Butters : Butters is the name of the weak loser suck-up on South Park. Butters implies soft and fat.

  Veronica : But oh, so delicious...

• Logan : Do you even know how to play poker?

  Veronica : No, but it must be really hard if all you guys play.

• Veronica : [girlie voice]  Finally, a deep throat to call my own.

• [in a dream] 

  Veronica : Why would he have wanted to kill you?

  Lilly : Honestly! I was awesome, right?

• Veronica : You prank-called Mandy?

  Lenny : What if I did?

  Veronica : Well, I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition in your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone.

  Lenny : Hey, everyone knows you're the biggest...

  Veronica : Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a Snausage in front of your nose. You use Mandy again to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life. Got it?

• Wallace : I was gonna hang out with some of the guys on the team at lunch.

  Veronica : And ruin the sanctity of our lunch duo? You know that'll send me crying to the bathroom.

• Veronica : I love the smell of testosterone in the morning.

  Logan : This is why I suggested attack dogs, but no, my mother wanted an Alpaca.

  Veronica : My father sent me with paperwork for your mom.

  Logan : You just wanted to say hi. I would have had my slam book out.

  Veronica : I wanted to ask you about the game.

  Logan : I've been meaning to ask you something. Does your super sleuth kit come with a decoder ring? Do you have a pen that writes with invisible ink? Never mind. Don't care. Mush! Mush!

• [Veronica is trying to get a drunk Logan's keys] 

  Veronica : Come on, Logan just give me your keys. Leo, can you follow us in your car?

  Logan : [giggling]  No. No. No. No. Let's not have a party like it's 1999.

  Logan : [points to Leo]  Wait, who's this dude?

  Veronica : As I have told you now three times, this is the friendly officer of the law who is going to overlook your underage public drunkenness.

• Veronica : Hi, Dad.

  [beat] 

  Veronica : Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial.

  Keith : [to Cliff]  You know the odd thing? Those were also her very first words.

• Veronica : Here's what you do... you get tough. You get even.

  Meg : Really?

  Veronica : Works for me.

• Duncan : Great game the other night, man. 18 points and 8 assists.

  Wallace : On the streets, we call those dimes.

  Veronica : Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.

• Veronica : I saw Meg.

  Duncan : What do you mean, you...

  Veronica : Meg's pregnant.

  Duncan : I know.

  Veronica : You know?

  Duncan : There was a letter, from her aunt. I guess Meg had asked to live up there and raise the baby.

  Veronica : Oh my God, Duncan, how could you...

  Duncan : Last spring, before we broke up...

  Veronica : OK, stop, I was shown a diagram once, I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?

  Duncan : This has nothing to do with us.

  Veronica : Oh, no! Nothing. Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

• Veronica : You're fly's open.

  Dick Casablancas : I know. Party ritual.

• Wallace : I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from "The Outsiders".

  Veronica : Be cool, Soda Pop.

• Keith : [seeing the game hens Veronica has cooked]  You know, elf, we might not be the richest family in town, but we can afford normal-sized birds once a year or so.

  Veronica : Game hens. They were just so cute. Plus, this way, we won't have to eat left-overs on New Year's.

  Keith : That's smart thinking. Come on, what do they taste like?

  Veronica : [laughing]  I don't know. Dense little turkeys?

• Logan : There's a witness who said they saw my mom get in a white van.

  Veronica : There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.

• Veronica : Well, actually, despite popular opinion you really can't beat the truth out of someone.

• Logan : I'm no doctor but, um... I'm pretty sure penicillin will clear that problem right up.

  Veronica : I can't say I was expecting you.

  Logan : Yeah, I usually avoid buildings with stained glass.

  Veronica : That's why you haven't come to visit.

• Veronica : [about a "spy pen"]  How covert ops of you!

  Lilly : [jokingly]  I'm going to use it to pass secret messages to all of my lovahs.

  Veronica : That's going to be a very busy little pen.

• Wallace : [about a suicide]  I heard she left a note on her Blackberry.

  Veronica : Talk about post modern.

• Keith : You'll never guess who stopped by today.

  Veronica : If you say Josh Hartnett, I am going to be so bummed.

• Veronica : I hate fake deer, too. Everytime I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em.

• Gia Goodman : Wow. How mission impossible. I feel like at any moment Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.

  Veronica : Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.

• Veronica : Let's not forget Logan Echolls. His dad makes twenty million a picture. You probably own his action figure. Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours.

• Wallace : I thought being a private eye was all about shooting dudes and making out with sexy widows.

  Veronica : Sexy widows come later.

• Veronica : 98 out of 100 people at that party would walk over my corpse for free gum.

• Meg : So what do you think?

  Veronica : I look like Manilla Whore Barbie.

• Veronica : J. Geils was right. Love stinks. You can dress it up in sequins and shoulder pads, but one way or another, you're just gonna end up alone at the spring dance strapped in uncomfortable underwear.

• Veronica : Howdy, Rick. Do I know you? No. Then why'd you tell Sherriff Lamb I sold you a fake ID?

  Rick : It's what they told me to say.

  Veronica : Who's they?

  Rick : No way. They're everywhere. They will destroy me.

  Veronica : I'll destroy you worse.

• Wallace : Oh, you don't even want to mess with me on that today. I just about murked my mom's lazy no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.

  Veronica : That guy is sleazy. So I hope murked means something bad.

• Veronica : Kimmy, why do you insist on pissing me off?

• Lilly : Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served...

  Veronica : Really?

  Lilly : Yeah that, and as kind of a side project, I dispense fashion advice.

• Veronica : [voiceover]  Let's be honest though, the only reason I was allowed past the velvet ropes was Duncan Kane.

• Pauline Elliot : I know exactly who stole him. It was those damn PHAT kids!

  Veronica : 'Cause I take it monkeys are delicious?

• Veronica : Just be glad I don't flip my hair - I'd own you.

• Veronica : Did you guys know that 90 per cent of all identity theft is committed by relatives of the victim? That's an interesting fact. At least I think so.

  Caitlin Ford : But you know what? Nobody cares what you think, Veronica Mars. Not any more. Not since you stabbed all of your friends in the back.

  Veronica : You seem to care a bit what I think.

• Veronica : Here's a thought. If Tijuana was Logan's idea then stealing the car could've been the master plan.

  Troy : It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.

  Veronica : Ah. So what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?

  Troy : Let's see. From eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. So after that was all donkey shows.

• Veronica : Wow. A snack and an ego stroke. I wish I was a baller.

• Veronica : Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.

• Veronica : I guess 'dress to impress' meant to dress like your favorite Pussycat Doll.

• Veronica : My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him.

• Veronica : Wouldn't it be nice to have glasses in the kitchen that don't have the Hamburgler on them?

• Wallace : I liked the other place you worked better.

  Veronica : Think maybe that's because we had food there?

• Veronica : It's amazing how fleeting perfection can be.

• Veronica : It's not often you get to see bikini babes in their natural habitat. Such gentle, yet elusive, creatures.

• Veronica : [to Logan after sex]  Woof! You should seriously consider going pro in that.

• Veronica : Here it is, first day of college. What do you say, Veronica? New school, fresh start - how about you try not to piss anyone off this time around?

• Veronica : So my Grandma Reynolds was always saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I wish she was still alive because I'd really like to ask what she suggests for when life gives you chlamydia.

• Veronica : Is that lasagna I smell?

  Keith : Keith Mars' secret recipe.

  Veronica : You double the cheese. Your secret is out... You're making salad? I know pity cooking when I see it. There must be more bad news.

  Keith : Maybe we should wait 'til after dinner, huh?

  Veronica : Spill it. I promise I won't let it ruin my appetite.

• Mandy : [about someone being mean to her]  Oh, Veronica! Please, don't worry about it, it's not worth it!

  Veronica : Oh, it's so worth it.

• Veronica : That guy's too big, that guy's too small, and that guy's... not a guy. Just in desperate need of a stylist.

• Veronica : If there's a justification for my actions right now, it's this: I have gone completely mad.

• Veronica : Hey, Carrie, wait up!

  Carrie Bishop : [sarcastically]  Why? Did you want the chance to tell me how much you admired me for my brave stand?

  Veronica : I want to give you a chance to recant before I prove you're lying.

  Carrie Bishop : Why do you even care?

  Veronica : There aren't many great teachers. Mr. Rooks is one of them.

  Carrie Bishop : Yeah, if you can get past the part where he seduces his students.

  Veronica : Hey, Carrie, this is me, Veronica. I know you.

  Carrie Bishop : You're so naive.

  Veronica : Yeah, that's me, naive.

• Veronica : So tell me about it.

  Meg : On our way back from our last away game I got this weird text message. I looked around and saw two guys on their cell phones. Caz is always flirty with me, but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs.

• Veronica : What's that?

  Desmond Fellows : Did she try to draw herself?

  Veronica : It's a Chinese character.

• Veronica : Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.