- Velvet Von Black: Draping my ass over your hairy-ass fucking shoulders like I was a mink-ass stole and shit.
- Otto: Mink stole? More like a stanky mole.
- Velvet Von Black: Motherfucker! If you want to scratch this here, you better watch your ass mouth!
- Velvet Von Black: Hey, monkey, where's your organ grinder?
- Otto: I find that very hurtful.
- Velvet Von Black: You know what else is hurtful? Your thumb all up in my ass.
- Otto: My thumb is not in your ass.
- Velvet Von Black: Well, why not?
- Velvet Von Black: Where the fuck are we going now? What kind of "Fright Night" bullshit is this?
- Otto: Oh, please refrain from speaking. I know you must be proud of your beauty-school education, but your constant abuse of profanity is an assault on my Wellingtonian sensibilities.
- Velvet Von Black: I ain't the one with a dingleberry hanging off my ass hairs, nasty ape and shit.
- Otto: Yes, well I'm not so sure about that.
- Velvet Von Black: I think I left a nickel onstage. Consider it my donation to the Sad-Ass Ho Club.
- Stripper in Hall: Ay! What did she say?
- Velvet Von Black: I said "sad ho," you sad-ass deaf ho.
- Theater announcer: How do you do? Mr. Rob Zombie feels it would be a little unkind to present this picture without just a word of friendly warning. We are about to unfold the story of El Superbeasto, a man of action. It is one of the strangest tales ever told. I think it will thrill you. It may shock you. It might even horrify you. So if any of you feel that you do not care to subject your nerves to such a strain, now's your chance to, uh - Well, we warned you.
- [Velvet farts in the elevator]
- Otto: Oh. Speaking of gas prices. Ew!
- Velvet Von Black: Shit. Even my ass is bored. Don't think I'm apologizing, neither. You know that shit smells good.
- Otto: Oh, delicious, the plowman's lunch.
- El Superbeasto: You picked the wrong guy on the wrong night. I just lost another goddamn pilot to that punk from "Malcolm in the Middle"!
- Michael: [El Superbeasto drives down an alley where he encounters Michael Myers from Halloween] Holy shit!
- [El Superbeasto hits him with his car causing him to get stuck on the windshield]
- Michael: Hey man, what the hell? When I get my hands on you I'm going to...
- [El Superbeasto turns on the wipers]
- Michael: Geeze wipers!
- [gets thrown from the car]
- Michael: Woo hoo hoo!
- Suzi X: What's up, bro? What's the dealio, yo?
- El Superbeasto: I need your help with a little problem. I mean, it's barely even that, really. Let's call it a situation.
- Suzi X: Beasto, man, don't waste my time. Is this about pussy?
- El Superbeasto: No.
- Suzi X: Poontang
- El Superbeasto: Nada.
- Suzi X: Tool shed?
- El Superbeasto: Nein.
- Suzi X: Cockpit?
- El Superbeasto: Nope.
- Suzi X: Love box?
- El Superbeasto: Negative.
- Suzi X: Fur patch?
- El Superbeasto: No.
- Suzi X: Bearded clam? Nipsey Russell? Fish patty? Panty hamster? Vertical bacon sandwich?
- El Superbeasto: No ma'am.
- Suzi X: Okay I'll help.
- El Superbeasto: You didn't say "bat cave".
- El Superbeasto: Take your stinking paws off her, you damn dirty ape!
- Otto: Now that's a little derivative, don't you think?
- El Superbeasto: I bet if I save Velvet from that screwy ape she'll love me long time. But my order of hot wings is almost up, and I do love the hot wings.
- El Superbeasto: [Holds up the jar with the head of Hitler in it] Hey, I recognize this dude. He's the Little Tramp! He's hysterical. He's taller than I thought.
- Suzi X: Primate kidnappers? Sounds groovy, baby. I'm in. But if you're just trying to get into said village girl's knickers, then you are gonna be the sorry chimp, buster.
- El Superbeasto: [Can't decide if he should save Velvet or wait for his hot wings] Oh, but she does have an amazing ass. And those jumbo jiggly-wigglies! The only thing that comes close is the bleu cheese they give you with the wings. You see, the wings are spicy, and the bleu cheese cools them off just so.
- Dr. Satan: Women, women everywhere, but none of them bear the mark. My army of video voyeur bats are everywhere, and I can spy on them all! I can see them in their showers, in their boudoirs, even on the can. Where are you, my future queen of evil?
- Dr. Satan: [Sees "666" on Velvet's backside] Oh oh oh, is that it, Otto? The mark-- I think I see the mark.
- Otto: I think that mark could be due to G-string chafing.
- Dr. Satan: Otto, you must fetch her for me. That could be the mark of my unholy bride!
- Otto: Oh, just when I've almost perfected my souffle.
- Dr. Satan: Listen you, you wouldn't even be able to say 'souffle' if I hadn't put that smart screw in your head. I can always take it out you know, send you back to the jungle. You remember the jungle, don't you?
- Otto: No! Not the jungle! There's no cable in the jungle!
- Dr. Satan: Are we on the same page, monkey?
- Otto: Yes yes, master, yes.
- Dr. Satan: Now huff it out of here, gold brick!
- El Superbeasto: Dr. Satan will shrink back to normal size if he squashes his unholy bride with the heel of his cloven hoof under a crescent moon. As an albino Barry Manilow lookalike warbles through "Copacabana" under a shower of rainbow sparkles while a disgustingly cute kitten screams a Moroccan death chant. Great, now where are we gonna find a kitten like that?
- Varla: You think I wanna talk to you, squirrel?
- Otis Driftwood: I ain't here to talk, I'm here for the All American Ass Party.
- Varla: Why don't you make yourself useful and go get me some Beer Nuts?
- Otis Driftwood: [Grabs crotch] I got your nuts right here. Why don't you give 'em a -
- [Door gets slammed on both of the characters]