- Max: I'm going to get in touch with Tina. She knows we're innocent, she knows the truth.
- Paddy: Well you'd better do it quick. Its all right for you, you know. A good looking lad like me is a valuable commodity in here you know.
- Max: Its all right I've seen a pay phone and... What do mean its all right for me?
- Paddy: When Paddy steps in those showers, them lads will think its Christmas morning. They'll ride me like a Blackpool Donkey.
- Max: Well what we've got to do, is make them lot think that me and you are a couple of hard nuts. Let them think we're a couple of big time gangsters. Come on chest out, chin up! We're doing a bit of bird as per! Me and you, Tango and Cash, Magnet and Steel! What do you say?
- Paddy: I'm going to get bummed.
- Paddy: Chuck us some water flower.
- Max: [hands Paddy a bottle of water] It wouldn't hurt you to show some manners after all they are free.
- Paddy: [studying Bottle] Hang on what's this? Bottled in the mountains of Afganistan? I bet Osama's had a bath in this. Why do you keep buying all this cheap rubbish like 4p Beans and Al Queda water?
- Paddy: [approaches dancers] Alright love? Here's 10p go and phone yer mum, tell her you won't be home tonight.
- Dancing Girl 1: I've got a mobile, dickhead!
- Paddy: [Paddy moves onto next group] Ladies think of a number between one and ten.
- Dancing Girl 2: Eight.
- Paddy: You lose, now take your tops off!
- Dancing Girl 2: Fuck off!
- Paddy: [approaches another girl] Hey there, can you catch love?
- Dancing Girl 3: Why?
- Paddy: Because there is a couple of balls coming your way.
- [Girl holds up a mechanical claw hand]
- Paddy: Dave is that you mate?
- [Paddy quickly moves off]
- Paddy: I don't understand it, those lines are tried and tested.
- Max: You mean they're tired and tested more like it. Woman in this day an age don't want that. Woman today like a bit of romance, like a bit of sensitivity.
- Paddy: Where'd you learn that?
- Max: Watching Trisha.
- Max: [remembering an old girlfriend] I almost threw her out for being Under age...
- Paddy: Under age? How old was she you dirty dog?
- Max: No, she was old enough it was just that she was, she was a kind of midget.
- Paddy: Ain't that a Queen song?
- Max: No you clown...
- Paddy: You mean she was a dwarf?
- Max: No she wasn't a dwarf, she was a midget.
- Paddy: There's no difference...
- Max: There is actually! Mr Politically Incorrect. Dwarfs for your information are in the circus and do cartwheels. Midgets are like normal people just shrunk down.
- Paddy: Well you live and learn.
- 'Charlie' [on the porn DVD Charlie's Anals]: Good morning Anals!
- The three 'Anals' in unison: Good morning Charlie!
- [Zip-undoing sound effect]
- Wolf-ster: You're not Patrick O'Shea?
- Max: You know him?
- Wolf-ster: Everyone knew Spazzy Paddy. Where's your calipers and your brace?
- Paddy: Long time ago that.
- Wolf-ster: He was worth more for scrap. You don't remember me do you? My sister you to babysit him. He were a right dirty little sod.
- Max: Oh I?
- Wolf-ster: We had to rush him to hospital one night, he'd only stuck Okay Wan Benobi up his arsehole, he was always at it...
- Max: Obi Wan Kenobi...
- Wolf-ster: Bootshakka...
- Max: Chewbacca...
- Wolf-ster: C3-D2...
- Max: PO...
- Wolf-ster: Star Trek mad he was.
- Max: Star wars Wolf-Ster, Star Wars.
- Paddy: Like I say long time ago that Wolfie.
- Paddy: [Max and Paddy are in prison] Look, you've got get me out of here. I can't take anymore more of that Millennium Prayer.
- Max: I've already made a start, check the door. I did this last night when everyone was asleep.
- [Lifts a poster on wall to reveal three scratch marks]
- Paddy: What is that?
- Max: Escape Tunnel.
- [Paddy starts crying]
- Max: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa come on man, get a grip you're coming apart.
- Paddy: Where you tunneling to? The next cell?
- Max: [Max exits cell and sees the mistake he's made] Oh shit!
- Paddy: [after hitting a fellow inmate in the face with a dinner tray] Play with feathers, you get your arse tickled!
- Bouncer: Empty your pockets please, sir
- [Max empties pockets onto desk]
- Bouncer: Afro comb!
- Max: [turns to Paddy] You never know! You never know!
- Bouncer: Pound-coin holder! Empty! One key attached to one keyring
- [reads from keyring]
- Bouncer: "I've stroked a beaver at Drayton Manor"! Have you now?
- [Max nods]
- Bouncer: sign here please!
- Max: [signs document] What do i do now?
- Bouncer: just through there please, sir
- [Max leaves making Paddy first in line]
- Bouncer: Name?
- Paddy: Patrick O'Shay!
- Bouncer: Empty your pockets please, sir
- [Paddy empties pockets onto desk]
- Bouncer: one pornographic magazine, the Finger Club! One pack of condoms, ripped for the lady's pleasure. Flavour: Biscuit.
- Brian Potter: Here, I've got a cake here for you, Holy Mary made this.
- Max: A Cake!
- Brian Potter: Yeah, you know, a cake?
- Max: I know what a cake is, what do we want a cake for?
- Paddy: No, he means a cake. I know what you mean, you mean a "Cake", don't you?
- Brian Potter: Yeah, that's right a "Cake".
- [Brian winks]
- Max: Oh a "Cake", you mean a "Cake". What's in this "Cake"?
- [Max getting excited]
- Brian Potter: Sponge and a bit of Jam. What do you want son? It's real life, this, not the frigging Shawshank Redemption. If you hadn't stolen a bus filled with kiddies, you wouldn't be in this mess!