- Nick DiPaolo: [on Colin Quinn] This guy's been canceled more times than Mary-Kate Olsen dinner reservations!
- Lisa Lampanelli: [on Nick DiPaolo] Nick is the most unlikeable guy on the planet. Women would rather go Christmas fishing with Scott Peterson than hang out with Nick DiPaolo!
- Ron White: [introducing Greg Giraldo] Our next roaster needs no introduction because nobody cares who he is.
- Nick DiPaolo: Psychologists have proven that when you play Jeff's humor to a baby when it's in the womb, it'll eventually be wearing a hockey helmet and shitting its pants at forty.
- Bill Engvall: [about The Jeff Foxworthy Show] Near the end, he wanted me to be on the show. Yeah, that's like being the fifth pallbearer for a four handle casket.