Stella (2005)

Michael Showalter: Michael

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael : Ladies & gentlemen of the board... all black.

• Michael : Think of all the great things that have come out of this country!

  Michael : Rugby.

  David : Chicken Tikka Masala.

  Michael : Chinese People.

  Michael : Ass.

  David : Harry Potter.

  Michael : Rubber balls and liquor.

  Michael : Then I say something.

• David : It was Mr. Mueller, the landlord.

  Michael : He is such a Nazi.

  Michael : Michael, not all Germans are Nazis.

  Michael : That's not my understanding.

• [repeated line] 

  David , Michael , Michael : That is too funny!

• Michael : Wow, this is really fun, Mountain Man.

  Mountain Man : Nature is fun.

  David : Like boobs?

  Mountain Man : But it can also be dangerous.

  Michael : Like fire boobs?

• Michael : Now, come on. We have a date today with a lady named Fun.

  [pause] 

  Michael : She's a Korean lady.

  [pause] 

  Michael : "Fun" is a popular name in Korea.

• Michael : I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

  Michael : I feel the same way.

  Michael : You're bummed out, right?

  Michael : No, I want you to curl up in a ball and die.

• Michael : Where are we?

  Michael : Are we in heaven?

  David : Check to see if there's Godiva chocolates nearby. If there are, then yes, we're in heaven.

• Michael : I made an educated guess; I'm a Harvard man.

• Michael : We can't move... We're in a tableau.

• David : And what about Madonna, is she like a virgin or is she the material girl? I mean this girl's had more re-inventions than Thomas Edison.

  Michael : She's had more boyfriends than Madonna!

  Michael : I like English muffins.

  David : Totally.

• Greg : Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only.

  David : We are employees!

  Michael : Yeah! We're from the... Houston office.

  Greg : Houston?

  Michael : [in Canadian accent]  That's aboot right, eh?

  Ansel : I didn't know we had an office in Houston.

  Michael : [in Canadian accent]  Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister.

  Michael : [in Canadian accent]  ... Pierre Trudeau...

  Ansel : If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents?

  David : [in Canadian accent]  Take off you hosers!

  Michael , Michael : Yeah!

• Michael : [to girl at office party]  Touche... you've made worms' meat out of me.

• Michael : Hey, guys, check it out. They got brass knuckles.

  Michael : And numchucks.

  David : Sweeeeet.

• Michael : [looking at Michael and David in strange outfits]  Why are you guys dressed like that?

  Michael : [in a rain poncho]  Well, *I'm* dressed for rain.

  David : [in mountain climbing gear]  And *I'm* dressed for snow.

  Michael : [in a swimsuit]  Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?

• Michael : It's to the point where I don't even feel like I'm Michael Showalter any more, you know? It's like I'm Sainsbury's corporate employee #31427728651127720772132.

• Michael : I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God."

  Michael : Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God...

  Michael : Right.

  Michael : ...but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard.

  Michael : Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like...

  Michael : Literally, it could be this table.

  Michael : It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table.

  Michael : It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand?

  Michael : I totally...

  Michael : It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees.

  Michael : Oh, my God...

• Girl At Party : I like pain.

  Michael : I like cookies.

• Michael : Would a perfect world have turkeys?

• David : Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man!

  Michael : I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God!

  Michael : What are we gonna do?

  David : Call Marcus.

  Michael : Yeah, call Marcus.

  Michael : Who's Marcus?

  Michael : I don't know, I don't know!

  Michael : Hey guys, he's still alive!

  Michael : [Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man]  Why did you do that!

  Michael : It was either him or us, Mike!

  Michael : What are you talking about?

  David : You guys, we have to call the cops!

  Michael : No cops, Dave... not on this one!

  David : What are you talking about? We have to call the cops!

  Michael : [points gun at David]  I said no cops!

  Michael : Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey

  [points gun at Michael Ian Black] 

  David : Put the gun down, Mike!

  [points gun at Showalter] 

  Michael : Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you!

  David : I know? it's weird.

  Michael : Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down.

  David : Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down!

  Michael : 2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do?

  [all three throw guns down] 

  David : Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost!

  Michael : How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat!

  Michael : [looks at Mountain Man's dead body]  I have an idea...

• Old Woman : Everybody make a wish, now.

  Michael : I wish we had our apartment back.

  Michael : I wish we had our apartment back.

  David : I wish I was dry-humping Maggie.

• Michael : [to close up their presentation for the Big Account]  In conclusion, continued economic growth, building a bridge to the 21st century, Tippy Canoe and Tyler too. Thank you, very much.

• Michael : Oh, God, this rat race is killing me. I'm so exhausted.

  David : I know. I can barely keep my eyes open.

  Michael : I can barely keep my pee hole open.

  Michael : My urethra shut down at 4 o'clock today. That's how tired I am.

• Michael : I'm cold.

  Michael : I'm hungry.

  David : I'm David.

  [makes fart noise] 

• Michael : David went to Julliard, Michael.

  Michael : I don't care where he went!

  Michael : He's a classical violinist.

  David : And I'm a classical pianist!

  Michael : You're a classical dick, is what you are.