- Maxwell Selwyn: [while telling them of a vampire antidote] Well, there are some side effects
- Steve: What kind?
- Maxwell Selwyn: [holds up a poorly carved vampire stake] Death.
- Bob: Thank God, I thought you were going to say stick. I'd rather die than be a stick.
- Steve: I thought vampires were supposed to be all hardcore, we ended up being pussies!
- Bob: Fuck you, dude, I'm not a pussy. You're a pussy.
- Steve: You're a pussy!
- Bob: You're a pussy!
- Steve: Oh, what's this?
- [pretends to pull a letter from his pocket]
- Steve: It's a letter from the PUSS-R.S., you didn't pay your pussy taxes!
- Bob: Is that a knock at the door?
- [walks up to the door and opens it]
- Bob: Holy shit! It's Ed McMahon! You just won a million dollars from the PUSSinghouse Clearing!
- Floyd Faukman: The police are not sure whether these are genuine vampires or just people who are mimicking vampires... or Theresa Heinz.