Poirot (TV Series)

The Incredible Theft (1989)

Hugh Fraser: Captain Hastings

Quotes 

• Miss Lemon : This lady keeps telephoning, Mr. Poirot.

  Hercule Poirot : Sacré. What a terrible circumstance.

  Miss Lemon : There's no need to be sarcastic, Mr. Poirot. I was going on to say that I didn't put her through to you, because she wouldn't give her name.

  Hercule Poirot : Ah.

  Miss Lemon : I told her you don't take anonymous phone-calls.

  Hercule Poirot : But I do, Miss Lemon. Sometimes I think anonymous telephone calls are the only ones worth taking.

  Miss Lemon : But how will I know where to file her if I haven't got a name?

  Hercule Poirot : Life first, Ms. Lemon, filing second.

  Miss Lemon : Very well then.

  [Hastings huffs in amusement] 

  Miss Lemon : Next time she calls, I'll let her talk to you. And on your own head be it.

  Captain Hastings : You shouldn't tease her, Poirot.

  Hercule Poirot : She makes it irresistible.

• Captain Hastings : If you ask me, it just shows the danger of meeting anonymous women at the zoo.

• Captain Hastings : [Imitating Chief Inspector Japp, who was talking in his sleep]  Stand back lads, he's got a blancmange!

• Captain Hastings : You shouldn't tease her, Poirot.

  Hercule Poirot : She makes it irresistible.

• Hercule Poirot : [polishing his shoe]  Petroleum jelly, Hastings, that is the secret. You rub it well in and it will prevent the cracking, yes.

  Captain Hastings : [resting on a sofa]  How do you work out cubic thingummies?

  Hercule Poirot : Comme?

  Captain Hastings : Cubic thingummies, how do you work them out? I mean, this ceiling is what? Ten feet up, yes. So do you multiply ten...

  Hercule Poirot : Hastings, I am trying to instruct you in the care of patent leather, something that will be of use to you in later life.

  Captain Hastings : So will be cubic thingummies. Suppose I'll have to survey something or something.

  Hercule Poirot : You do not deceive me, Hastings. You are having these eccentric thoughts because of this girl of yours, eh? This student of architecture.

  Captain Hastings : Well, we never seem to have anything to talk about. I tried reading a book about Bernini. She is very keen on Bernini. I couldn't make head or tail of it.

  Hercule Poirot : No, no, no, no, no, Hastings, women do not wish to talk about Bernini and cubic "thingummies".

  Captain Hastings : I don't know if she wants to talk about anything. She's never in when I call around to see her. I end up having tea with her mother every day.