"The events, characters, and firms depicted in this photoplay are fictitious. Really. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental, and very weird. We suggest moving, and/or staying away from, pretty much anywhere because the vampires will find you no matter what."
"No vampire hunters were hurt during the production of this screenplay. Plenty of vampires, but none of the hunters."
"Why are you still reading this? Go back to the video store and rent another Asylum film. You know you want to."