- Tommy Solomon: Sorry I'm late, Coach.
- Coach: Hey, anybody can sell fifteen boxes of chocolate in my class can be a little tardy. What's your secret, Champ?
- Tommy Solomon: Well, uh, y'know, I just kept thinkin' about sending the band to Washington.
- Coach: Yeah. They're gonna owe you some real thanks when they get back next week.
- Tommy Solomon: Whoa... they're coming back?
- Coach: Well, yeah.
- Tommy Solomon: [to his teammates] All right, which one of you tools sold enough chocolate to buy 'em a return ticket?
- [when Tommy is selling chocolate door-to-door to benefit the school band, one of his customers is a priest]
- Tommy Solomon: Hi, Father, I'm trying to sell these chocolate bars so the High School band can go to Washington... and learn about Christianity... and, ahh, become priests.
- [the priest shuts the door in Tommy's face]
- Tommy Solomon: Fine, then! They'll stay here in Rutherford and worship *Satan*!
- [Dick has sprained his ankle, and Sally is showing no sympathy]
- Dr. Mary Albright: Have a little compassion, Sally. We're healthy. We have to help him.
- Sally Solomon: I say he's lame. Shoot him.