- Dr. Dick Solomon: [reading "A Tale of Two Cities"] "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."
- [flips to the back of the book and promptly drops it]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: I'm not reading three-hundred and eighty-seven pages if he can't make up his mind in the first sentence!
- [after experiencing her first sneeze]
- Sally Solomon: Wow!
- Dr. Dick Solomon: What was that?
- Sally Solomon: I don't know, but I want another one.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: So, how was school today?
- Tommy Solomon: The best ever. I had my very first make-out session.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Good for you.
- Tommy Solomon: It was with Dina, my lab partner.
- Sally Solomon: Dina, the one with the...?
- Tommy Solomon: [slyly] Oooh, yeah.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Tell us everything. I want details.
- Tommy Solomon: At first, I was conflicted. We come from very different backgrounds. I'm an alien and she's a Presbyterian. I have a highly developed mind and she's got that... big, pouty mouth. I tell you, Dick, it was a tough decision.
- Sally Solomon: What tipped the scales?
- Tommy Solomon: She let me.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: What happened next?
- Tommy Solomon: Well, I don't know what came over me, but... they were so big and round and beautiful... I just had to touch them.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: And then what?
- Tommy Solomon: She screamed, "Ow, my eyes!" and that just basically killed the mood.
- [after Sally had her first sneeze, Harry also had his first sneeze]
- Sally Solomon: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: I have to tell you this... I come from a different world.
- Dr. Mary Albright: And this is news?
- [Dick is clutching a toaster at the wedding]
- Dr. Mary Albright: Where did you get that?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: It was in the room full of prizes.
- Priest at the wedding: We are gathered here, before God...
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Now, which one of those guys is God?
- Dr. Mary Albright: Will you be quiet?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Okay, but be sure to introduce me later because I want some answers.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Nina, are you married?
- Nina Campbell: No.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, why not? What are you doing wrong?
- Nina Campbell: You sound just like my mother.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: That must be very confusing for you.
- Harry Solomon: [opening the mail] Ooooh, finally. My pictures of the Today Show gang. Ooooh, my favorite. Martha Stewart.
- Sally Solomon: Is it autographed?
- Harry Solomon: No, but she signed it.
- [explaining a wedding]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: The ceremony begins with the bride being given away.
- Sally Solomon: Excuse me? Given away? Like an object? As in 'free girl with every large fries'?
- Tommy Solomon: Hey, there are free girls? Can I go?
- Harry Solomon: Fries? Can I go?
- Sally Solomon: [Complaining about the cold they all have] Oh, my head is THROBBING!
- Harry Solomon: So is mine...
- Tommy Solomon: Mine, too...
- Sally Solomon: And my back is ACHING!
- Harry Solomon: So is mine...
- Tommy Solomon: Mine, too...
- Sally Solomon: And my breasts feel like two bowls of hot, steaming chili!
- Harry Solomon: She wins.
- Tommy Solomon: [after arranging to get together with Dina again] Oh, this is Dina; she's the one who made us all sick.
- Sally Solomon: [Pointing at Dina] Kill the incubator!
- [Dina runs out, terrified]
- Tommy Solomon: [to Sally] Thank you so very much!