- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, I do think we ought to have gotten the combination from Gomez.
- Uncle Fester: Oh, it wasn't locked, I just like to keep in practice on my safe blowing.
- Morticia Addams: You do have a delicate touch.
- Morticia Addams: We must think of ways to make money.
- Uncle Fester: I know an easy way.
- Morticia Addams: Oh?
- Uncle Fester: Print it.
- Gomez Addams: I haven't seen so much activity since the night I hid the hornets in Aunt Phobia's sleeping bag.
- [Fester's sign hangs upon the Addams mansion fence: "Escort Service. Suave continental types for hire. $50 per hour."]
- 1st Woman: Oh, look, Gladys. This must be one of those gigolo places.
- 2nd Woman: Fifty dollars an hour. Oooh, they must be absolutely dreamy.
- Uncle Fester: [popping up from behind the sign with Lurch] See for yourselves, girls!
- [the women scream and run]
- Uncle Fester: What's a matter with them?
- Lurch: Flighty.
- [Gomez explains why he's looking into buying a yacht]
- Gomez Addams: Well, I think we could use a change of scenery. The Dead Sea, perhaps. Some fun place.
- Morticia Addams: [sighs] My dear family, I'm afraid we didn't make very much today, but Thing sold a pencil.
- Morticia Addams: That settles it. I'm going to sell everything we own. I must get money for Gomez.
- Uncle Fester: You mean auction him off, huh?
- Uncle Fester: Did you see the paper this morning? The bottom fell out of the stock market again.
- Morticia Addams: They really ought to fix that rickety old place. The bottom's always falling out of it.
- Mr. Blooker, Stockbroker: But, Mr. Addams, what do you want with a broken down railroad like Big Swamp & Southern. You'll never make any money with it.
- Gomez Addams: Make money? I've got money. What I'm looking for is excitement, adventure.
- [Wednesday and Pugsley stand before their sidewalk drink stand sign: "Henbane on the Rocks 25¢."]
- Man at Drink Stand: Well, how's business, kids?
- Pugsley Addams: Pretty slow, sir.
- Man at Drink Stand: Gee, with a cute sign like that, you should be doin' great. "Henbane on the Rocks." Boy, those trade names get wackier every day. Let me have a tall one, son.
- Pugsley Addams: Yes, sir.
- Man at Drink Stand: Well, always like to help out the small business man. Cheers.
- Pugsley Addams: Cheers.
- [the customer drinks and chokes. Smoke shoots out of his ears]
- Wednesday Addams: Would you like some more?
- Man at Drink Stand: [gasping] I'd like some help! I'm gonna tell my lawyer about this.
- Pugsley Addams: [turns to Wednesday] See? Satisfied customers always tell their friends.
- [Grandmama returns from a day of job hunting]
- Grandmama Addams: I went to every beauty shop in town. Nothin'!
- Morticia Addams: I'm very surprised. Your talent is so obvious.
- Grandmama Addams: Honey, it isn't what you know, it's who you know.
- Morticia Addams: That's true.
- Gomez Addams: Whadda you mean you can't find any more stock, Blooker? I need only another hundred shares to control the whole railroad.
- Mr. Blooker, Stockbroker: Mr. Addams, there isn't another single share for sale. I've got men looking all over the country.
- Gomez Addams: Well, have them look in the city, too.
- Morticia Addams: What woman could possibly ask for more than Uncle Fester himself?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. Well, you got me there.
- Mr. Blooker, Stockbroker: I'll kill myself.
- Gomez Addams: Good thinking. Blooker, if you do get that stock for me, I'll buy you the biggest, thickest, juiciest camel hump stake in town. Whadda ya have to say to that?
- Mr. Blooker, Stockbroker: I'll kill myself.
- Gomez Addams: Got a one-track mind, Blooker - I like that!