- Sam L. Hilliard: But I was referring to more formal learning. Eh, eh, reading?
- Gomez Addams: What is there for a six-year-old to read?
- Sam L. Hilliard: But someday she'll be 26.
- Gomez Addams: See you then.
- Uncle Fester: School? I never went to school and look how I turned out.
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, looks, charm and personality aren't everything.
- Morticia Addams: Did I just hear a peal of thunder?
- Gomez Addams: You did, Tish, you did.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, that most heavenly sound... it makes life worth living.
- Sam L. Hilliard: You meant to blow them up?
- Gomez Addams: Of course, why else would a grown man play with trains? Wanna blow the other bridge?
- Morticia Addams: Wasn't that that nice Mr. Hilliard? He certainly is an odd one, isn't he?
- Miss Comstock: Have you noticed it too?
- Morticia Addams: Yes, why do you know he suddenly ran out of our house the other day? Frightened by a simple game of darts.
- Miss Comstock: I'm going to have to have another talk with him. B.O.O.Z.E.
- Wednesday Addams: Booze.
- Gomez Addams: Really? Guess I underestimated him.
- Wednesday Addams: What if Mr. Hilliard doesn't come?
- Morticia Addams: Angel, your father sent Lurch for Mr. Hilliard, and it's very difficult for people to refuse Lurch. He has such a nice way with them.
- Miss Comstock: I'm sure the children are going to be very happy here.
- Gomez Addams: If we wanted them to be happy, we'd have let them stay home.
- Wednesday Addams: Oh father, it was terrible, they killed him!
- Gomez Addams: Mr. Hilliard?
- Wednesday Addams: The dragon!
- Gomez Addams: [shocked] What dragon, who killed a dragon?
- Wednesday Addams: A knight in shining armor, he killed the dragon.
- Gomez Addams: [turns to Morticia] I can't believe anyone would kill a dragon.
- Morticia Addams: Poor, defenceless dragon!
- Morticia Addams: Now, let me see your hands. Oh, excellent, Pugsley. The nails are nice and clean and sharp.
- Sam L. Hilliard: But they've got to go to school. Everybody sends their kids to school.
- Gomez Addams: Ridiculous. Why have children just to get rid of them? I'm opposed to the whole nonsense.
- Morticia Addams: Oh dear.
- [Dabs tears away from her eyes]
- Morticia Addams: I'm going to miss the patter of their little feet... sneaking up behind me.
- [last lines]
- Morticia Addams: That was that nice Mr. Hilliard. He said the school board accepted our ideas enthusiastically.
- Gomez Addams: Really? Well, now, Mr. Hilliard may be right. We may have saved the world.
- Morticia Addams: Do you think we did the right thing?
- Sam L. Hilliard: Ohhhhhh, no --- I am NOT going back to THAT creepy house to speak with THOSE insane people again!
- Miss Comstock: [soothingly] But, Mr. HILLIARD --- they INSIST upon seeing you!
- Sam L. Hilliard: ForGET it --- I haven't MADE OUT MY WILL yet!