- Gomez Addams: We could go to the play room and find out to the penny. All we have to do is consult the computer that Pugsley and I built.
- Uncle Fester: Yeah, Whizzo knows everything. Even told me how to cure my baldness.
- Morticia Addams: Is it working?
- Uncle Fester: No, but it cured my cough.
- Ralph J. Hulen: Nobody could even begin to pick that many winners.
- Uncle Fester: Whizzo could!
- Gomez Addams: Why of course! Whizzo! Why, he could do it with 20 Watts tied behind his back.
- Gomez Addams: [about Morticia's knitting] Darling! A glove for Thing.
- Morticia Addams: No dear, it's a sweater for Pugsley's octopus.
- Gomez Addams: Since gambling bets aren't enforceable by law...
- Uncle Fester: Never mind about that, I'd shoot him in the back!
- Morticia Addams: Wouldn't that be rather drastic?
- Gomez Addams: For betrayal of trust? Violation of professional ethics? Shooting him in the back would be too good for him.
- Uncle Fester: No, I think it'd be about right...
- Morticia Addams: Mr. Hulen, how can you say things like that?
- Ralph J. Hulen: Easy, remember, I'm a hypocrite.
- Ralph J. Hulen: Where's the old Addams spirit?
- Uncle Fester: Right in your safe, with that eight million!
- Morticia Addams: [to Fester] Would you like to take the vulture for a little stroll? She seems to take to humans.
- Gomez Addams: Her favorite food.
- Gomez Addams: [in determining where to take a family holiday trip] I suppose Death Valley's been overrun with tourists since we first discovered it.
- Uncle Fester: [looking at the newspaper] Hey, did you know Little Orphan Annie's got no eyeballs?
- Morticia Addams: That's part of her charm.
- Uncle Fester: Hm! There must be some way to pick up that kind of money.
- Gomez Addams: I've got it! We'll invent something that costs a dime to make, sells for a dollar and is habit-forming.
- Ralph J. Hulen: Will you please forget this moon business? I tell you it's impractical, imprudent and absolutely impossible.
- Uncle Fester: Mr. Hulen, are you trying to discourage us?
- Ralph J. Hulen: I certainly am!
- Uncle Fester: Don't beat around the bush! Just answer yes or no!
- Gomez Addams: Here we are, Mr. Hulen, two thousand dollars. Not only cold cash but a little moldy, too.
- Ralph J. Hulen: Well, you seem quite intent upon following through with this madness, nevertheless I would like to leave you with these few words: "Gambling is the disease of barbarians" - Shakespeare; "It's the vice of knaves and fools" - Benjamin Franklin; and, "This whole scheme is absolutely nutty" - Ralph J. Hulen.
- Ralph J. Hulen: Let's suppose - this is a hypothetical case, of course - but let's suppose that your investment councilor hadn't placed any bets.
- Uncle Fester: Hadn't placed any bets? Where's my gun? I'd shoot him in the back!
- Track Announcer: Granny's Lover has been disqualified for crowding, shoving and kicking.
- Morticia Addams: How ridiculous! What else do they expect from a horse?
- Morticia Addams: You were quite right when you said "Gambling is a disease of barbarians."
- Ralph J. Hulen: Well, I didn't say that, Shakespeare said it.
- Gomez Addams: You quoted him.
- Ralph J. Hulen: Well, you know me, big mouth!