The Addams Family (TV Series)
Uncle Fester's Toupee (1965)
Carolyn Jones: Morticia Addams
Photos
Quotes
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Uncle Fester : [about his pen pal] She's coming here to visit me.
Morticia Addams : Marvelous. We'll have the guest room unbolted.
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Gomez Addams : By George, Morticia, you've done it again. With a hairpiece, Fester will knock her dead.
Morticia Addams : I don't think we need to go that far, darling.
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Gomez Addams : Kitty-Cat doesn't need a hairpiece. Never met a lion who did.
Max : A lion? In this house?
Morticia Addams : How else are the children going to learn anything about nature?
Gomez Addams : I can't wait till pet day at school.
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Morticia Addams : [pointing to a portrait] Now, who is that?
Uncle Fester : Well, that's General Ulysses S. Addams.
Gomez Addams : And what did he do at Vicksburg?
Uncle Fester : He surrendered!
Gomez Addams : Not till they caught up with him!
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Gomez Addams : Where were we?
Morticia Addams : On Madeline's five husbands.
Gomez Addams : I checked into them. They all died.
Morticia Addams : Mysteriously?
Gomez Addams : Not at all. Suicide.
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Morticia Addams : You'll want to know some of Uncle Fester's favorite recipes.
Madelyn Smith : French pastry?
Morticia Addams : Oh, no, no. Simple things like, um, eye of newt.
Madelyn Smith : Newt? Aren't they those little crawly things?
Morticia Addams : Not after you cook them.
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Uncle Fester : Hm. I told you it wouldn't work.
Morticia Addams : It's just as well, Uncle Fester. A woman who doesn't know how to make a man happy certainly wouldn't make a good wife.
Gomez Addams : Besides, her French was atrocious.
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Morticia Addams : We'd like something nice for our uncle Fester.
Gomez Addams : Something sporty that'll take a few years off him.
Morticia Addams : Perhaps twenty or thirty...
Max : Madam, I am not a magician. I can only cover his head, he'll have to cream his own wrinkles.
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Morticia Addams : Darling, have you noticed how people take to Uncle Fester?
Gomez Addams : Especially the ones who never met him.
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Morticia Addams : Darling, I'm worried.
Gomez Addams : About what?
Morticia Addams : Uncle Fester and Madeline. I think those two are in love.
Gomez Addams : With whom?
Morticia Addams : With each other.
Gomez Addams : Impossible.
Morticia Addams : No, it's not at all impossible, darling. According to their horoscopes, it's perfect - she's a Capricorn and he's a bachelor.