- Archie Bunker: What do you want me to do, spend over $600 on a funeral for a cousin who used to sit on my face?
- Edith Bunker: He'll never do it again, Archie.
- Mrs. McNab: [after Archie announces the service will be on Saturday] Will the funeral be in the morning? I usually do my shopping in the morning.
- Archie Bunker: I'll keep it in mind, maybe we can pass the market on the way.
- Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [Returning from the funeral] Boy, I'm glad that's over with!
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Yeah, what a travesty!
- Edith Bunker: It WAS nice, wasn't it?
- Edith Bunker: Wait, I think I remember: your sister, Alma, had a brother, Phil...
- Archie Bunker: Wait a minute, why do you say my sist, Alma, had a brother, Phil? If my sister has a brother, Phil, then I have a brother, Phil, too!
- Edith Bunker: [condescendingly] It's that way in ALL families, Archie.