American Dad! (TV Series)

A Smith in the Hand (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Stan Smith, Roger the Alien, Greg Corbin, Alan Greenspan

Quotes 

• Stanley Smith : [singing]  Acid, lava, and your crotch. These are things you must not touch!

• Stanley Smith : [Talking to lighter]  Soon my pet, soon I will feed you the world.

• Stanley Smith : [to Steve]  So, what do you need to know?

  Steve Smith : Um, everything, I guess. I talk a big game, but I actually know very little about sex.

  Stanley Smith : Well, you don't have to worry about it, because you're not having it.

  Steve Smith : Oh. But I guess I just thought I should know...

  Stanley Smith : You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.

  Steve Smith : Well, I guess not, but...

  Stanley Smith : See, if l tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact: an ugly, moist fact squatting on your brain like an octopus, and you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son?

  Steve Smith : No.

  Stanley Smith : And that's where babies come from.

• Roger the Alien : Oh, what fresh Hell is this?

• Steve Smith : Anyway, I was talking to the Amish kid and I still have some questions about sex.

  Stanley Smith : Absolutely, son. Let's talk in private.

  Francine Smith : Stan, do you want me to come with you?

  Stanley Smith : No. This is a father's job. Besides, sons have complex relationships with their mothers, especially if they're as beautiful and sexy as my mother.

• Steve Smith : Dad! There you are.

  Stanley Smith : [nervously]  Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

  Steve Smith : Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.

  Stanley Smith : [laughs]  Well said, soldier.

• Steve Smith : So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?

  Stanley Smith : That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.

• Roger the Alien : As a shut-in, I only have two pleasures: trash TV and booze. Oh, and Shrinky Dinks. You put 'em in the oven, it's like baking art.

• Stanley Smith : [about Steve]  He's only 14. I don't want some unionized pervert teaching my son about nature's filthy secret.

• Francine Smith : Thank you for seeing us, Principal Lewis. My husband is just a teeny bit concerned that Steve may not be ready for sex education.

  Stanley Smith : That's right. My wife didn't spend 36 hours squeezing Steve from her birth canal so you could shove his face right back in there!

• Roger the Alien , Klaus : Francine!

  Roger the Alien : Good to see you, Mrs. S. You just missed happy hour, but we may still have some crab cakes. Miguel, tenemos crab cakes?

  [snaps his fingers] 

  Francine Smith : I don't want any crab cakes.

  Roger the Alien : Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.

• Francine Smith : [to Stan]  Look, I'm sorry that 30 years ago, you got some lousy advice about sex that screwed you up, but I cannot let you do the same thing to our son.

  Stanley Smith : I'm not screwing him up.

  Steve Smith : Yeah, Mom. I know my body is filthy.

  Francine Smith : No, it's not. Steve, urges are natural and it's healthy to explore them.

  Stanley Smith : Francine, no!

  Francine Smith : Because if you don't explore them, you'll repress them. Then one day, when you do discover them, you'll reject your wife, hurt your son and try to take down TV!