- Stanley Smith: [to Hayley] What the heII do you think you're doing?
- Hayley Smith: Avery caIIed to apoIogise for what he said. We met for coffee and, weII, I know it's crazy, but I Iike him. He chaIIenges me, and he has a huge...
- Stanley Smith: Penis! I mean, HayIey. Damn, I was trying to cut you off before...
- Hayley Smith: I was gonna say ''heart'', but, weII, you shined his shoes.
- Francine Smith: [about Bullock] Stan, what is he doing here? And he's wearing HayIey's robe. God, I can see his junk.
- Avery Bullock: [to Hayley] How dare you taIk to me that way, you third-rate tart?
- Avery Bullock: Sir, she is my daughter.
- Avery Bullock: SiIence, man-horse!
- Hayley Smith: [after Bullock has maimed Jeff] Dad, do something!
- Stanley Smith: [to the waitress] So what, exactly is a frittata?
- Hayley Smith: Dad!
- Stanley Smith: Hey, I'm hungry. This guy rode me like an animal for three hours! Do you have any idea what that's like?
- [Hayley gives him a look]
- Stanley Smith: And now I'm not hungry.
- Hayley Smith: If the whoIe CIA is at this carnivaI, who's out there undermining democracy?
- Stanley Smith: The FBI pulls a double shift.
- Francine Smith: HonestIy, Stan, what does HayIey have to do with you getting a promotion? It shouId be enough you're good at your job.
- Stanley Smith: Yeah, it shouId, but we don't Iive in ShouIdIand. Ah, ShouIdIand, where cIean-cut kids cruise ShouIdIand BouIevard, and the ShouIdIand High team gets their asses kicked by their cross-town rivaI, ReaIity-Check Tech.
- Stanley Smith: [to Roger after he makes a napkin] What the hell is this?
- Roger: Metrosexual soccer icon, David Beckham. I can't do swans. I don't know why.
- Stanley Smith: I'm this cIose to a promotion and our darIing Squeaky Fromme decides to assassinate my career.
- Stanley Smith: I got the promotion, Francine!
- Francine Smith: Yes, but you Iost my respect. You're not the man I married.
- Stanley Smith: You're not the man I married.
- Francine Smith: That makes no sense.
- Stanley Smith: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!
- Bullock: [to Stan] You'II get your promotion, just as soon as you do one Iast thing for me.
- Stanley Smith: I've picked up your Iaundry, I've poIished your shoes, I've done everything but bend over backwards, and my daughter did that. What eIse couId you possibIy want me to do?