The Andy Griffith Show (TV Series)

Andy the Matchmaker (1960)

Don Knotts: Barney Fife

Photos 

Quotes 

• Deputy Barney Fife : [reading]  "There once was a deputy called Fife, who carried a gun and a knife. The gun was all dusty, the knife was all rusty, 'cause he never caught a crook in his life."

• Deputy Barney Fife : [about the limerick]  It makes out like I-I-I never wanted to catch crooks - and that just ain't so. I'd catch 'em in a minute, but how'm I gonna catch 'em if there ain't any, for heaven's sake? If only somebody would just commit a crime - one good crime! If only somebody'd just... kill somebody.

  Sheriff Andy Taylor : [shocked]  Barney!

  Deputy Barney Fife : Oh, I don't mean anybody we know.

• Sheriff Andy Taylor : Now, you can't be serious about resignin'. What in the world will you do?

  Deputy Barney Fife : Oh, I-I don't know. I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.

• Sheriff Andy Taylor : Uh, Opie, Barney says there was a poem written on the wall of the bank and that you was standin' along beside of it with a piece of chalk in your hand.

  Opie Taylor : Yeah, but I didn't do it, pa. Honest.

  Sheriff Andy Taylor : I believe you.

  Deputy Barney Fife : [angrily]  Are you pittin' your crime detectin' judgement against mine?

  Sheriff Andy Taylor : Well, Barney, I have to, because, for one thing, Opie wouldn't lie to me.

  Deputy Barney Fife : You call that evidence?

  Sheriff Andy Taylor : And for another, he ain't learned how to write yet.