Are You Being Served? (TV Series)

Dear Sexy Knickers... (1973)

Trevor Bannister: Mr. Lucas

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mr. Dick Lucas : [writing a letter to Miss Brahms]  "Dear Sexy Knickers... "

  Mr. Humphries : [smirks]  That's subtle.

  Mr. Dick Lucas : Well, if you don't ask, you don't get, do you?

• The 28" Inside Leg : [after Mr. Humphries knees the jacket to make the sleeves longer]  Are these sleeves long enough.

  [begins pulling at the sleeves. Mr. Lucas panics in fear the sleeves will pull off] 

  Mr. Dick Lucas : No, I wouldn't do that if I were you, Sir. I wouldn't do that if I were you. No, no, they'll come down, Sir, with wear.

  The 28" Inside Leg : Will they?

  Mr. Dick Lucas : Oh yes, Sir, definitely. In fact, the more you wear it, the quicker they'll come down.

• Mr. Dick Lucas : [to the 28" inside leg customer who complains about tightness in his pants]  Unfortunately, they vary in size, too. The trousers, I mean.

• Mr. Dick Lucas : I am about to find the 'other' pair of trousers.

  [as he knees the trousers, he tears a hole through them] 

  Mr. Humphries : We don't knee trousers, Mr. Lucas.

• Mr. Dick Lucas : [after being caught kneeing a hole into a pair of trousers]  Well it was like this, you see, Mr. Peacock. My customer's crotch was too tight and I was trying to stretch it... well, them. I was... I was... I was trying to stretch them, Sir.

  Captain Stephen Peacock : You seem to have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.

• Mrs. Slocombe : Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

  Mr. Dick Lucas : [looks about him]  Yes, I'm afraid I am, Mrs. Slocombe.

• Mr. Ernest Grainger : Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Lucas, but do I understand that you got Mrs. Slocombe into trouble in the lift yesterday, and you had an affair with her this morning in her department?

  Mr. Dick Lucas : I'm sorry to disappoint you, but yes, you're wrong!

  Mr. Humphries : Oh, what a pity. I thought things were going to liven up a bit.

• Mr. Dick Lucas : [Mr. Humphries has been caught "putting the knee in" a jacket and has been brought before Mr. Rumbold]  You see, it was like this, you see, Sir. Erm, Mr. Humphries kneed the jacket.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Ah! You mean, Mr. Humphries needed the jacket. Let's get our tenses right.

  Mr. Humphries : No, no, you don't understand, Sir. You see, I kneed the jacket.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : You need it now?

  Mr. Humphries : No, I kneed it then.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : You mean, you needed it then.

  Captain Stephen Peacock : If I might clarify the situation, Sir.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Thank you, Captain Peacock. It does seem to have got rather out of hand.

  Captain Stephen Peacock : Yes. It's a matter of spelling, Sir.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Spelling?

  Captain Stephen Peacock : Yes Sir. You spelled kneed with an N. Mr. Humphries was using a K.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Oh, you mean like kneading dough? Is that it, Mr. Lucas?

  Mr. Dick Lucas : Yes, that's it. I needed the dough, but he didn't want the jacket because it was too tight.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : So you kneaded it to make it more supple, which was why you needed the jacket, you may recall Captain Peacock. That is what I said in the first place.

  Captain Stephen Peacock : Nearly right, Sir, yes. But what they're trying to explain, Sir, is that, erm... and coming from Hardware, you would not be aware of this, but there is a method used, and I disapprove of it myself, Sir. There is a method used to enlarge the arm holes of jackets, and the method used is to knee the jacket... with a K.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.

• Mr. Dick Lucas : Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

  Mrs. Slocombe : Well, at the moment, Mr. Lucas.

• Captain Stephen Peacock : Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written, "Dear sexy knickers, I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half past five and we'll get it together." Now, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each of you if you wrote this note. Mr. Grainger, did you write it?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : I don't even understand it.

  Mr. Humphries : Mr. Grainger wouldn't say "dear sexy knickers." You'd say "dear sexy bloomers," wouldn't you?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : I very much doubt it.

  Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?

  Mr. Humphries : No. But thanks for the compliment.

  Captain Stephen Peacock : Well, in view of those two denials, I can only come to one conclusion.

  Mr. Dick Lucas : [laughing nervously]  Shall I leave now, or work till five-thirty?