Are You Being Served? (TV Series)
Dear Sexy Knickers... (1973)
Frank Thornton: Captain Peacock
Photos
Quotes
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : How are the sales going Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe : Well, in lingerie, pants are up and bras are down.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Better than the other way around, eh, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe : Now, now, Captain Peacock, you mustn't say things like that in front of my little assistant.
Miss Brahms : Don't worry about me. I don't wear 'em.
[Captain Peacock looks at her]
Miss Brahms : Bras I mean.
Captain Stephen Peacock : I'm sure it's against staff regulations. But still I'm always prepared to look the other way.
Miss Brahms : Yeah, you could've fooled me.
-
Mr. Humphries : Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock : [looks about him] Yes, I'm free.
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : [looks about him] Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
-
Mr. Dick Lucas : [after being caught kneeing a hole into a pair of trousers] Well it was like this, you see, Mr. Peacock. My customer's crotch was too tight and I was trying to stretch it... well, them. I was... I was... I was trying to stretch them, Sir.
Captain Stephen Peacock : You seem to have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries : [looks about him] Yes, at the moment.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Ask Mr. Grainger, if he's free, to step this way.
Mr. Humphries : Excuse me. Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : [looks about him] Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : Do you encourage your assistants to try to stretch trousers when they don't fit?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Most certainly not. Do we, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries : Certainly not, Mr. Grainger. We give them the same pair back, and say we found a larger size.
-
Mr. Dick Lucas : [Mr. Humphries has been caught "putting the knee in" a jacket and has been brought before Mr. Rumbold] You see, it was like this, you see, Sir. Erm, Mr. Humphries kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Ah! You mean, Mr. Humphries needed the jacket. Let's get our tenses right.
Mr. Humphries : No, no, you don't understand, Sir. You see, I kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : You need it now?
Mr. Humphries : No, I kneed it then.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : You mean, you needed it then.
Captain Stephen Peacock : If I might clarify the situation, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Thank you, Captain Peacock. It does seem to have got rather out of hand.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Yes. It's a matter of spelling, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Spelling?
Captain Stephen Peacock : Yes Sir. You spelled kneed with an N. Mr. Humphries was using a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Oh, you mean like kneading dough? Is that it, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas : Yes, that's it. I needed the dough, but he didn't want the jacket because it was too tight.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : So you kneaded it to make it more supple, which was why you needed the jacket, you may recall Captain Peacock. That is what I said in the first place.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Nearly right, Sir, yes. But what they're trying to explain, Sir, is that, erm... and coming from Hardware, you would not be aware of this, but there is a method used, and I disapprove of it myself, Sir. There is a method used to enlarge the arm holes of jackets, and the method used is to knee the jacket... with a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : [demonstrating how to knee a jacket to loosen the stitches] Now then, Sir. If you will er, listen carefully. I take the jacket so... and I pull so.
[knees the jacket]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I can't hear any stitches go.
Mr. Humphries : Perhaps it's already been done.
Captain Stephen Peacock : What makes you say that?
Mr. Humphries : Well, I sold it to you.
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe : At the moment, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to Mr. Grainger, and he, on his part, also made a complaint about the view of the ladies' fitting room from his department.
Mrs. Slocombe : What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broad-minded as we are.
-
Mrs. Slocombe : [seductively on the phone] Hello, Captain Peacock. This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock : [on the phone] Would you mind repeating that?
Mrs. Slocombe : This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock : That's what I thought you said. I beg your pardon, but am I speaking to a customer?
Mrs. Slocombe : [sly laugh] Naughty boy. Customer, indeed? Now, I'm not promising you anything, but I'll meet you outside at five thirty.
Captain Stephen Peacock : How shall I know you?
Mrs. Slocombe : [in her normal voice] What do you mean, how shall you know me? You sent me the note.
Captain Stephen Peacock : To whom am I speaking?
Mrs. Slocombe : Do you mean you really don't know?
Captain Stephen Peacock : I have no idea.
Mrs. Slocombe : Thank heaven for that.
[hangs up the phone]
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries : Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Is Mr. Lucas free?
Mr. Humphries : I think he's going to be free for a very long time.
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to Mr. Grainger, and he, on his part, also made a complaint about the view of the ladies' fitting from his department.
Mrs. Slocombe : What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?
-
Captain Stephen Peacock : Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written, "Dear sexy knickers, I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half past five and we'll get it together." Now, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each of you if you wrote this note. Mr. Grainger, did you write it?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I don't even understand it.
Mr. Humphries : Mr. Grainger wouldn't say "dear sexy knickers." You'd say "dear sexy bloomers," wouldn't you?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I very much doubt it.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?
Mr. Humphries : No. But thanks for the compliment.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Well, in view of those two denials, I can only come to one conclusion.
Mr. Dick Lucas : [laughing nervously] Shall I leave now, or work till five-thirty?